the paperwing diary

Today it's a depressing day. Rain and cold weather do not make me smile. I have had a lot of experiences and emotions throughout the grieving process. It is hard to completely grieve something that is still around. It is like gum on the bottom of my shoe.

I don't see it but I am reminded by it by the feelings of it whenever I want to go somewhere. It does not go away unless you pull it off and if I pull it off it sticks to my hand and then you know the rest...

It is so annoying to get rid of it and there is still some sort of remnant left there.

This is how I have been feeling.

This year I feel free but every now and then weighed down by the memories and feelings of the past. The life I pictured for myself is gone but I can feel the wave of independence in each moment.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in this season of my life is this:

Don’t ever let anyone treat you like an option.

I finally had the self-respect to walk away after feeling like I was constantly being disrespected and minimized. After so many years with someone, I never thought things would end up like that. It was honestly shocking.

There were a lot of moments that stuck with me—feeling blamed, being spoken to in ways that didn’t feel right, and dealing with dishonesty that slowly started to wear me down. Over time, I started questioning myself and wondering if everything was somehow my fault.

I walked away.

I was told I wasn’t doing enough. That I wasn’t showing up the right way. That I was the problem.

And yes—I can take accountability. I’m not perfect. I know I had things to work on, and I’ve learned a lot about myself through all of this. But there’s a difference between taking responsibility and carrying everything alone.

A lot of this happened during a really vulnerable time in my life. I wasn’t in a good place physically or emotionally, and I was trying to get through each day the best I could. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

It’s been a long year. I recently listened back to a voice memo I recorded when I was at my lowest, just asking “why.” I kept it so I could one day see how far I’ve come. I was exhausted, not sleeping, not eating—it was a lot.

But after giving chance after chance, I finally hit a point where I knew I deserved better. No one deserves to feel like that, no matter what.

The final moment for me was realizing I couldn’t keep choosing someone who wasn’t choosing me.

So I chose myself.

Looking back now, I can see things more clearly. I’ve had time to reflect, to heal, and to separate what’s true from what I was made to believe. And I’m no longer angry—I’m just grateful for the growth, the lessons, and the life that came from that chapter.

I can appreciate what was, while also accepting that it’s not what it is anymore.

The person I referenced in a lot of my past posts is someone I ended up building a full life with—years together, a home, kids, everything that comes with it. It was a lot, and it was real.

This entry I’m sharing is from March 25 at 3am. At the time, I had no idea how much my world was about to change, especially during such a vulnerable season of my life.

What is happening…

A couple of days before this, I found out something that completely broke my trust. It involved someone I loved deeply and someone I never expected to be part of that kind of situation. I was angry, hurt, and honestly in shock.

After everything came out, I felt dismissed and confused. There were moments of warmth and regret, and then moments of distance and coldness. It was like trying to make sense of two completely different versions of the same person.

The hardest part was the mixed signals—hearing one thing but seeing something completely different. I was being told one story, but the actions didn’t match, and that left me feeling stuck and questioning everything.

I kept thinking: if someone is unsure, why not just let go? Why hold onto something while also holding onto something else? It didn’t feel fair, and it left me feeling like I was the one carrying all of it.

I didn’t know what to do. I just knew it hurt.

After many, many years of not using this thing called Tumblr… here I am again. Looking back on my old entries, I can’t help but laugh. What I thought I “went through” back then feels so small compared to adulthood.

Nothing really prepares you for what life throws at you as you grow up. It’s hard. It stretches you in ways you never expected. And sometimes it feels like everything hits at once—wrapped up in one big, overwhelming moment.

It’s still me—but a newer version.

A version that’s grown a lot over the last decade. I’ve learned some tough lessons. I’ve been shaped by experiences I never saw coming. And while I definitely don’t have everything figured out, I understand life in a way I never did before.

So here’s a little context for what’s coming next:

I’m in a season of major change. A really hard, really life-altering kind of change. The kind you never think will be your story… until it is.

For a long time, I thought certain things were just “not an option.” But life has a way of rewriting what you thought you knew. And I’ve come to realize that sometimes the hardest decisions are also the ones that lead you back to yourself.

This past year has forced me to accept things I didn’t want to accept—and grow in ways I didn’t think I could. It’s been messy, painful, overwhelming… but also transformative.

I don’t think I’d be who I am right now without going through it.

So over the next few posts, I’m going to take you through that chapter. The hard part. Because you don’t get to the good without going through the uncomfortable, messy middle.

I’m calling this part of my story “the cocoon.”

It’s heavy. It’s emotional. It’s not pretty.

But it’s real.

And it’s where everything started to change.

They say “look forward and don't look back”. But I say look back because that is how you have gotten to the place you are and the places you are going. These past few days I’ve been looking forward too much because I'm worried and anxious that things WONT work out. But...

I realized that looking forward isn't making me happy but only making me frustrated. I can't deal with it so you know what I am doing now?  I’m looking backwards. Looking at ALL the times I've been in the same trial I am in now and see how God worked it out then. I am looking at how a love that Ive felt for 2 years started to grow and what trials helped it grow. 

Amazing right? How awful things can create beautiful things. I look to the past to figure out how I dealt with certain situations to cope with the same situations now and in the future. I think the past is my favorite time personally, in my life, because it shows how I can get through anything and everything with God. It has also shaped me to the person I am today. Without the past I would be lost. Really I would be. I would experience hurt horribly because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I would break down and never know how I turned out to be out this patient, caring, loving and hard working.

But, most of all I wouldn't remember the lovely grace that God poured out to me in those certain situations. This is why I would be lost. I believe that the present is great but its only an instant and the future is better because you don't know what God has in store for you. Its like a mystery BUT

The Past Is Who You Are, Your Help In Times Of Trouble and Its Memories That Help You To Love Better and usually 

I struggled with the definition of Love growing up. In my teen years I really really didn’t get it. I thought Love had to be bought,

“Here I’ll buy you this 200$ present and you’ll love me even more.”

So gradually I learned that the Love from God is sacrificial. “Here I’ll die so that you will have eternal life” I wanted it. I searched for it in all the wrong places. Sex, Popularity, Boyfriends and yet I still felt empty. I was hurt by it in a lot of ways but secretly God was in the progress of something awesome. When God wants your attention he tends to bring you ultimately to your knees because of how bad you hurt. Yes I felt lonely because the boyfriend I thought I would marry was gone and I lost a really close friend. I was hurt but when I get hurt I ALWAYS turn to God like ALWAYS. Those next few months I grew really close to Him. The loss of a battle in my mind turned out to be a victory in Gods eyes. So He was like, “Here I’m going to give you a boyfriend who is going to turn to me and oh yeah here’s the love you’ve been searching for all this time”… I had the love right in front of me but I looked for it in all the complicated places . I’m in college now and to look back on the person I was makes me thank God so much. My love for Christ is so passionate it’s actually overflowing. I’m the happiest I’ve been in forever. My boyfriend and I do have arguments but God always takes us past all of it and shows us the beauty of his love. Let me tell you right now the only way to find love is to find God. When you find God your golden because He goes

Listen, God came to this Earth for a reason.

He has been working through me this summer and I am so thankful that He has rescued me from my world lived past. High School is over and my life as a grown Christian adult has finally begun and I could not be any more excited. I trust that God’s plans for me are even bigger than ever. Yes, He will bring me through trials, open and close doors but I will remain faithful to my wonderful Savior. These past few months my walk with Him has grown so much and the love I have for Him has been overflowing out of my heart. 

Listen, Im a Human Being born a Sinner. 

I will fall and stumble through the rocky courses of life and I will hit the wall when I don’t expect it coming. I am a selfish and an impatient sinner but the One who loves me saved me from being that way. YOU and I were saved because we could never be that perfect. The One who saved us made a way so that we could live in everlasting peace with our Savior. 

Listen, I’m Not Perfect but My Savior Is

After all the falling I can rely on Him to catch me. After being hit a million times in the face by that wall I can rely on him to heal me. He is perfect in My weakness. When I’m selfish HE is selfless and when I’m impatient HE is patient. I am starting a new chapter of my life in a couple of days and now is your time to start the new and best chapter of your life. So my advice for people who are yearning for love, peace, a forever friend and hope in such a dark place in your life. Look only to the cross. He loved you so much that He came to save YOU. The Lost. Open your eyes He died for You and You alone. You are not alone so 

Listen,

The Reason is You and..

She was a freshman in high school. Walking down the hallway of tall fearsome young girls and boys scared her. The thought of growing up scared her but not so much as a freshman. When she dreamt of how high school would be like she thought of how it was in the movies. Bullies were everywhere, the first boy you met was the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with, you would have to eat lunch alone, and the teachers were extremely hard. It turned out to be nothing like the movies. There were girls. Lots of mean girls, but that didn’t stop her from reaching her aspirations. She had a long term boyfriend but he wasn’t “the one”. She ended up eating alone once during lunch. The teachers were probably the nicest people in her life. High school felt like it was all there was to life and it was what defined you as a person. NO. 

Senior Year. Supposed to be the best year of your high school career right? I was bullied, I had some not so nice teachers that got in my way and I ditched that long term boyfriend. Not so great senior year? Well let me tell you, My God has sure changed the way I had hoped life would turn out. The way I lived life in the first half of Senior year was not the way I wanted it to be but I did it just to fit in and have friends. It was great. Getting drunk, partying, watching people suffer from too much right in front of your face. I realized that high school is just the beginning of my future. Everything i had been doing was for my pleasure and not for God. I’m so in love with God because of that. He has been doing great things in my life since the very first day I started high school and now He is shipping me out into the real world. The bullies are no match for my God. He is my protector. God provided me with the best boyfriend I could ever have. I really think he could be my future husband. The greatest teacher of all is Jesus Christ. The amazing part of all is that God was with me through all of my struggles, bullying, and partying. I thank God for being my best friend since day one of high school. I know that God protects me even when I fail Him. What more can you ask for?

"You are the girl of my Dreams" said my best friend, my best mistake, and my boyfriend. I'd like to tell you how it all ended up this way but it would take forever. I told my brain to let him go. My friends told me to let go of him but my heart told me differently. I did not loose hope in that fact that this love would be something in the future. Yes, you did hurt me. Yes, I cried for hours on end, day and night about it. In my dreams you were still always there even if I hated you. The last thing on my mind before resting my head down from a day of not talking to you was...you. Like you said "I'm only 17" but I want a forever with you. Being in love with your best friend is the best thing any girl could ask for in her life. You got control of your dreams and destroyed your worst nightmare. I want to be there for you when everything in your life starts to fall apart. I hope your

I give you a chance at friendship. You think I'm the crazy person when she really is the nightmare. You know and I know you do too. Why is it so hard  for you to destroy that nightmare before it destroys you. I want you to wake up in pain. I would love to see you hurt the way I still hurt. Even though you hurt me I still care about you deep down but I know that its just best if I let you go. I love you and that hurts. She does not love you and you do not love her because if you did then she would not be your nightmare she would be a day dream come true. I honestly wish you stayed because I cared about you a whole lot. I wanted to be there for your mom but you never gave me a chance. I wanted to play with that cute little boy you always talked about around me. You always said he made you smile. I saw him today without you and I smiled at him knowing that he was the one that made you the happiest. I wish they were a part of my life but I know she's the one that makes you happy so I'll let you go and wish you the best. When that nightmare leaves you sweating and panting in your bed remember i could have always been the Day Dream that saved you from your 

I think that I give people too many chances because I care. In the end I always get hurt. I loved you. I wanted you to be happy. I made you feel like you were worth something in life. I gave you all i had and in an instant I'm treated like a piece of dirt. It does not help that you lied to me about everything. You hurt me too many times for me to count and I just let it all slip by me. You broke me through messages not even face to face. I'm tired of being taken for granted by someone who does not even care that i'm hurting. You say we can be friends but in the end i'd rather say goodbye than hello again and risk being hurt by you again. You not only lied to me but to the people I care a whole lot about. I know you'll miss me but i don't care. This time when you said goodbye you lost me and to the people who are important in my life. I can now say that i'm taking a break from the risk of getting hurt until i meet someone who is worth my time. Last night you said 

You may not see it but she changed you. I can't believe how you act now that you're like in "love with her". I let you know that you are going to get hurt but you're not listening. You think it's all going to be fine but sooner or later you're going to get hurt I just know it. When you do get hurt I don't even know the words I will say to you. Do I wait? Or do I continue to let myself be your second option? She has you in the palm of her hand and everyone see's it but you. I want you to realize that so many other girls will appreciate you and be more loyal to you than her. I care about you too much for you to get hurt. Please don't be different because of her. Be a good different because 

You will and always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn't look to see what was right in front of me. I wish I could turn back the time and choose you because you mean the world to me and I never saw it. I want you and I knew that from the beginning and completely turned my back to you. I get chills thinking of what could have been but it never ended up to be what I wanted. Voices said "no" and I said "yes". I should have listened. My mistake. No matter how much I say you were my mistake you will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to tell you i miss you so bad but I can't. Im sorry, I should have realized what I had when you were mine. You gave me all your love and all I had to say to you was goodbye. The words I can't say are bottled up so tight in my head and my mouth just wants to say those three words

I Love You

Man do I feel safe around him. I feel protected and safe from that monster  that roams around me and is determined to ruined me. He holds me so close and the warmth is like a blanket of love and strength which i never felt with anyone before. I'm glad things are going slowly because If it were to go fast I would just shake, scream and then run. I don't want to be alone and lost. His arms are so tough and strong that I just want to hold onto you forever and never let go. He is always there even when I fall. He wants the best for me even when I want to choose the other way. When I kiss him it all makes sense. Through life for the past 5 months I wondered why I kept falling but was never caught. When I met him I knew he would catch me from this endless heartbreak. His lips assure me that he will be there and never take me for granted.

I like to dream. They say what you think about last before you go to sleep is what you will dream about. I say that's true. It may mean something but I tell myself it's just a dream. I wish that I can throw away all my feelings before I fall asleep but that's not possible. I think about that one thing all the time before I go to sleep and then dream about it. I can't imagine not thinking about it but I know that my dreams are just dreams. My feelings are just feelings and I can't do anything to change that. I keep dreaming about it because i don't want to loose hope that maybe it will be something in the future. That face keeps coming up in my dream and it may mean something but i tell myself

I thought I was right. I should have known better than to show you how I feel and I'm hurting. You want me to let you know that I hurt but I can't tell you. All my life I would have never my picture myself falling for someone like you. It has been hard to be around you when you don't feel anything. I love you enough to be you're best friend and I'm always there for you. I wanna run towards you and just hug and comfort you because we both hurt. You hurt from your "friends" and I hurt from my friend, you. It has been hard to even look at you anymore when I know we will never be more than just what you told me... "Friends". I'm staying positive and remembering that anything can happen but loving you just hurts. I don't want to loose our friendship but I want more. Everyone thinks I'm insane but one thing I am crazy about is you.