☆ bad memory club ☆

Jason: i'm just gonna say it; making a map of all food trucks that own liquor licenses in Gotham was the best thing we've done this year. i cannot believe that the best chocolate martini i've ever had was served to me in a paper bag from a van.

Dick: gotta love Gotham. like, Bludhaven is my home and all, but there's no beating the creativity and entrepreneurship consistently spat out by money-hungry Gothamites on random week nights.

Jason: *bag crinkling* *satisfied grunt*

Dick: *hum* ok, i have another one.

Jason: shoot.

Dick: if you hadn't been taken in by B, what kind of person do you think you'd be today? like, do you think you'd be more likely to end up a good member of society or do you think you would have gone criminal?

Jason: ooh, ok, that's a good one. i- *considering hum* ...i dunno. on one hand, i like to think i was quite well behaved before i died, so i think if i hadn't been taken in by B then i wouldn't have ended up being resurrected and becoming... this. i probably would have been more traditionally 'good'.

Dick: fair.

Jason: -on the other hand, i met B because i was jacking cars and nicking tires at ten years old. so it's not like i was a fuckin' angel.

Dick: it's interesting you said you wouldn't have been resurrected, not wouldn't have died. do you think the Joker would have still gotten you even if you weren't Robin?

Jason: oh, no, i don't- i don't think the Joker would have killed me, but- but Dick? hey, Dick? *snort* i was never living past sixteen on the streets,

Dick: *wheezes* you don't think you would have made it??

Jason, drawing out: nyooooo,

Dick: *laughing*

Jason: like i said, i was fuckin- i was ten years old, thinkin' i could take on Batman. i had nobody in my corner during that period of time. i firmly believe that if i hadn't been swept up by Bruce then i would have ended up accidentally challenging Two-Face to a fist fight and dying within a year. that's my prediction.

Dick: so you think being Robin saved you?

*pause*

Dick: *cackle*

Jason: lets not- *wheeze* lets not go that far,

Dick: -shut up! *amused* come on, you know what i mean. you think without Robin you wouldn't have reached twenty?

Jason: yeah, that's probably more accurate. what about you? if you hadn't become the first boy wonder, where do you think you would have ended up?

*bag crinkling*

Dick, grave: jail.

Jason: *abrupt choke* *coughing, laughing* w-hat?

Dick, casually: -for either assaulting a police officer, verbal abuse, or second degree murder. attempted or successful, i dunno.

Jason, still struggling to clear his airways: *through laughter* what the fuck?

Dick: *amused* look man, i was an angry kid. you forget i was the fucker that made B think there was a good reason to let children go around beating up criminals; i was bad enough that he figured this was the best option.

Jason: ok- ok fair enough, no, yeah, you were definitely a piece of work when i met you, that's for sure.

Dick: yeah- and that was after the ten or so years of B's version of physical therapy. people always think i was so bubbly and happy when i was Robin, but i think it was actually the adrenaline of fighting people all night--basically got me high.

Jason: oh ok, so you weren't happy, you were just a sociopath in his dream environment?

Dick: no no, B had me tested. just a lot of anger issues and probable unmedicated OCD or ADHD.

Jason, crowing in glee: he had you tested-!

Dick, also laughing: shut up! honestly, that's probably why i didn't like you so much at first, y'know?

Jason: what, because you wanted to kill me?

Dick: no- *bursts out laughing*

Jason: *snickering*

Dick: no- because i thought you were gonna be just like me. B told me he brought in some kid off the streets and i was like, 'fuck great, now there's gonna be another violent little shit in the house'.

Jason: boy did i break the mold,

Dick: yeah turns out you were the complete fucking opposite to me, at first.

Jason: 'at first' *laughing* 'cause i mutated into the violence eventually.

Dick: well yeah, i was right eventually.

Jason: but if you didn't like the idea of me being problematic as a kid, how come you still hated me even when i was so well behaved and quiet?

Dick: *snort* well see- see that was the other issue, in that you being a good kid--which you did to piss me off-

Jason, conceding: -which i did to piss you off,

Dick: -right, but you being a good kid then brought up a different issue for me, because that meant you were blowing up my fucking spot.

Jason, amused: i was what?

Dick: well listen- B had no experience with kids before me, and he sure as hell didn't know what parenting was supposed to be like. i was able to set the fucking curve and tell him that i was normal. you fucking- coming in with all your homework and thank yous and eternal gratitude and fucking Cindy-Lou who personality bullshit,

Jason: *cackling loudly* CINDY-LOU WHO,

Dick: you blew up my spot! you let B know i was part of the fucking problem! you snitched on me for being a problem-child!

Jason, still laughing: *wheeze* oh god, i'm so sorry, i had no idea!

Dick, indignant: YEAH.

Jason: *wheezes again* i get it, fuck i get that. that's what i was like with Tim at first.

Dick: you- right!?! so you know what i mean!

Jason: fuck, yeah man. Bruce's whole thing with me was that i was the Robin that didn't fucking listen to him; i kept ignoring orders and doing my own thing and it got me benched. then i die, come back, and we have the fucking- the military disciplined soldier that Timothy Jackson Drake provided, we have him in my uniform, and i'm watching him through my binoculars like... fuck.

Dick: EXAC- god, he was so good at listening to orders back in the day. it was almost robotic, used to piss me off.

Jason: i was like, 'fuck he's better than me'.

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason, starting to laugh: luckily- luckily it turns out- *slight snort* turns out he sucks too,

Dick: *wheezes even harder*

Jason: dude, when he- when Tim started acting out as Robin, i felt the biggest burst of euphoria known to man.

Dick: *still wheezing*

Jason: like-, i never had to worry about Damian, you know? i raised that kid. i've seen the shit he does. i've watched him try to lie to my face about whether or not he stole and used my katana while holding his bleeding arm. i always had faith that Damian was going to be a little bitch. but Tim?! i turned up to him being like that and i was like... fuck. he's gonna make us all look shit, isn't he?

Dick: i know, it really- it was a good day for the Wayne children when we realised Tim was just as much a dickhead as we all are. a true miracle.

Jason: *humming casually* and then he tried to commit genocide in the league of assassins and we were like shit fuck no wait too much not like that-

Dick: *wheezes*

*distant burglar alarm*

Jason and Dick: *instant groans*

Dick: god-DAMMIT, can't they see we're on BREAK?

Jason: *limbs clicking* *tired grunt* alright, alright, let's get this over with. you good to- can you walk? you had more van-cocktails than me.

Dick: *also grunting* what am i, a pussy? oh- woah-

Jason: woah- hold on, let me- hold my arm. *snickering* god this fight is gonna be so funny.

after a while Red Hood is nearby and, obviously, hearing a kid in such clear distress in the middle of the night means he checks it out, and upon landing nearby and asking what the fuck is going on, the bats have to watch as baby-Damian notices the shiny red of Hood's helmet and armour, instantly recognises him, and crawls over to him to sob and clench his tiny little fists at him in an ask for uppies. and Red Hood obviously takes one look at the baby at his feet, goes 'shit wait- Dami?' and bends down to cradle him like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Hood then has to explain that he knew Robin in the league and helped care from him when he was really little, which is probably why Red Hood is currently the only person in the city that baby Damian recognises/views as safe, and Bruce is left with the annoying realisation that the only way to both keep Damian safe and happy while they figure out how to reverse the de-aging and get his son back to normal, is if he brings the Red Hood back to the cave with them. a man who is supposed to be his enemy and whom none of them realised Damian even knew, because clearly that little shit has been lying about some stuff.

for lack of a better solution they end up cautiously bringing Hood back to the cave, which Jason easily goes along with because the second he clocked baby Damian his paternal/protector instincts took over and he doesn't currently care about anything but keeping Damian happy. so there's a period of time where the bats are working as hard as possible in the cave to figure out a way to get Damian back to normal while also warily keeping an eye on Hood to make sure he doesn't try snooping around/go up to the manor/start shit, and Jason is just. not even clocking that this is a worry for them. he's genuinely just zeroed in on Damian like an activated sleeper agent, humming lullabies and changing diapers and even letting the baby clumsily try to take off his helmet because he wants to see Jason's face. Jason lets him, because he still has the mask on underneath, but it's still the first time any of the bats have seen under the helmet and so Dick and Tim end up on the other side of the cave watching with dropped jaws as Jason lets Damian play in his helmet -which he's like. small enough to sit in.- like... is that a fucking teenager under there???

Bruce finally figures out how to get Damian back to normal and when they fix him he comes back really disorientated and not really understanding what the fuck's been going on, so when he blinks open his eyes all dizzy and trying to gain his bearings he clocks Jason's face as one of the first things he sees and without thinking he just goes 'wait- Jason? what the fuck happened, where am I?'

all the bats turn in unison to stare at Jason in question and Jason just freezes in place. like. 'god i wish you'd just stayed a baby.'

Batman: Under The Red Hood (2011) || Superman #38 (2023)

thanks for the tag @samclownchester <333

tagging: @almostwritingdragon @bakart27 @archangelraphael @bravernificationbeam @mercurialkitty @michaelseagal @justasimpleleaf no pressure on anyone!!!