The Fastest Shot In The West

Tried to make out with my girlfriend tonight. It did not go well. We didn’t fight or anything, I just cant bring myself to kiss her. I can’t take myself seriously. I just cannot physically make myself kiss her. I want to though. That’s the frustrating part. I very desperately want to kiss her but I can’t. I think about her constantly but when I get to actually be with her I can’t do it. I feel like a guy that cant get it up.

I think I may love her (but who on earth actually knows what love feels like anyways). I tried to kiss her and it was so awkward and it did not feel good. Maybe it was that we ate pizza earlier. Maybe it was that her mom was in the other room. Maybe it was that I couldn’t stop making her laugh.

She kept reassuring me that I was doing fine. She tried to kiss my neck. I tried so hard. I feel like i’m such a private person that I can’t even be with someone without feeling exposed and unsafe. I’m such a germaphobe too. I cant even touch people without feeling like I’m gonna get sick. I’m currently resisting the urge to wash my mouth out right now. I feel so disgusting. I feel like a pathetic failure.

I just feel the deep urge to push her away. At least if I was alone I wouldn’t have anyone to disappoint but myself. Being alone is so easy. It’s painful and draining but its easy. Alone keeps me safe. I’m so used to it that it feels like home.

The whole concept of kissing is repulsive to me. I want to do it but it all seems so trivial. Meretricious, even. It’s just two people touching mouths. How could anyone ever consider it a pleasant experience. It’s hard to see it as pleasurable when all’s you can think about are the mechanics of the whole thing. Seriously, who on earth thinks about how each of your facial muscles are moving when they're trying to make out. I feel like a robot.

ngl I'm debating coming out as non-binary or trans masc or something because goddamn I hate being reffered to as a woman/girl.

Julien Bashir x Elim Garak

Old obsessions that I’m still obsessed with:

Spock x Kirk

Geordie x Data

Jadzia Dax x Me ;)

I clean the house, not because I want a clean house, but because I don’t want her to be angry or upset. I offer to help her clean, not because I want to help, but because I want to placate her frustration.

I hug her, not because I want physical affection, but because I don’t want her to be angry at me for not hugging her.

It’s all very frustrating. She constantly presents my sisters and I with ultimatums and threats. “I’m going to get rid of the dog if ___” goes around a lot. or just 20 minutes ago she said that my sister frustrates her so much that she wants to harm her, though I believe that may have been intended as a joke. I don’t think she would ever actually hurt anyone but It’s been like this my whole life and has only gotten worse since my dad died.

When I was little she used to threaten to get rid of all of my stuffed animals if I didn’t clean my room. This just seems like ordinary parenting but It made me feel terrible as a child.

I fear that she’s going to go off the deep end every day. It’s so stressful. I wish my family could be more normal.