well, I said I wouldn't let myself be manipulated, but here i am! the initial obsession I had for Her never would have consumed me like it does now if she hadn't said anything to me, or if I hadn't had that dream. she asked me for my number... she even messaged me, twice, which proves she's thinking about me sometimes! and sometimes , maybe i imagine it, I catch her glancing at me like i do at her.
I don't think she gets scared like me. that's an important factor. I'm so terrified of people. she was able to ask me for my number, to say she liked my hair - a boldfaced lie, surely? I'm so repulsive, there's no way it's true, but why lie? Certainly she's not afraid. So, when she doesn't move, it's because she doesn't want to. She has to like something about me. I didn't approach her. At least she wants to be friends. Well, the question that's been playing on my mind is "why?"
the dream. we were together in a place. she was different than she really is. she leaned towards me and looked at me so intensely, and that feeling of obsession overcame me. it was a dark, strange place, and she was a strange person. The feeling of that dream I chase after even now. I awoke and thought of her, and knew I was ruined.
I don't love her. i don't even lust after her - actually, even considering that, ew, ick ew ew. i feel like it's some kind of psychotic desire to know her. I'm hoping she'll be an interesting person, that there will be something strange about her that I can learn about and understand. that's what it is. she's beautiful, but not "attractive" - bony and birdlike, and it makes me jealous, not "attractive" - because she's prettier than me. That, I think, is some strange Freudian thing, there is probably an explanation for it, that my jealousy has attracted me to her even more. She's superior in that way - I resent it - I'm ugly and she's beautiful and graceful, resentment is still a form of obsession.
These are all thoughts I ought to dispose of. It's not practical. We don't really know each other, and I feel insane thinking any of this, having the gall to dream about a girl I don't know at all. It's psychotic. Anyone would be terrified knowing someone thought these things about them, right? That means I won't "actualize" these ideas. Entertaining them is fun, it's nice to think about - I don't actually want anything more than to get to know her interests, and what kind of a person she is. still, maybe it would be good to try and stop before this begins to affect my behavior somehow?