Re-writing Reality

It's been a while

Are you still there

With a smile

Ready and prepared?

It's in times like these

That I need you the most

On my knees with a plea

Will you be my host?

My trusty blog

Who eats every word

And unclogs my head

When I touch the keyboard

Oh

what anxiety meant until I found myself in the cafeteria, unable to look up from my plate because it wasn’t my place.

Anxiety is what makes me hold on to my burger like it’s my lifeline. It’s a cheap camera, with the lens zoomed in and inaudible audio.

I didn’t know I could get so spent from spending too much time doing nothing. I didn’t realize depression was being able to vent without feeling better. Depression is.  It hasn’t left.

My words are jumbled

It’s like my mental printer 

Chewed the paper

And ink together

Days pass as if nothing ever changes.

They’re grey and empty, like the place between my temples, but whenever I’m with you it gets a little more bearable.

I’m so lost in this case that I don’t understand.

Why can’t you see how much we have bled?

Did you even hear what I just said?

I’m so tired of being the one to apologize every single time.

There's a layer between us that's best left alone.

It stays in place wherever we go.

It's fragile ice that we can't resist skating on.

My heated thoughts                              crack                                  into it.

I feel this urge Beneath my skin To touch you Can’t let this feeling win

Another irresponsible choice Another word of sin

Make it stop These smiling faces These silly heart races Locked in the maze of each others gazes

Don't let it take over Hurting feels so good when you're sober Pleasure is a painful breezer

Dancing makes the world spin Every emotion shakes along within Are you listening?

Every day I try to smile

I push the fog away

And hide until it’s clear

Sunlight may sometimes shine

Clearing up the space in my mind

For a while

Everytime I feel the pull

Of the weight inside

I don’t cry

I run a little further

Until it’s out of sight

I imagine that in time

It will disappear

But the borderline between dipping into sadness

And falling deep into the pain

Is clouded by fear

Clinging onto an image of healthy

My laugh feels hollow

Almost fake

It reminds me of the scenery

So calmly presented in the horizon

Thoughts hang over my head

A thin layer

Like a filter on reality

And no matter what I do

I see them

The worry and the stress

Deriving the wind of its pleasantness

If reality could be described in words

I think there would be less adventurers in the world

The experience of it is to a certain degree similar

But it's not the same for everyone

Expressing in complete accuracy what the eye beholds

And the feelings conveyed purely through physical actions

Is simply impossible by writing

Even writers cannot sit cooped up at home

For no inspiration is gained by something alone

It can only be triggered by refreshed impressions of our surroundings

Every social event or walk in nature is linked with our being

There is a coherence in our existence and the universe

And so you cannot take descriptions and put it onto paper

Everyday I try to be

Better than the me from yesteday

And if I’m wrong then tell me

Yes I might get angry

Upset as our pride always makes us feel

When we are ashamed and regret

But eventually we adapt our capability