Fantastically Flawless

I love the way it hurts

Here we are again. At the same point were we started.  My life has changed, I stopped pushing myself through all this, but I gained all the weight I had lost and I feel horrible living in this sickening fat body. I don't want to live this way, I gave up my battle against perfection, but now I see my flaws clearer than ever. I don't want to be this fat girl, I want to be perfect. I want people to envy me, but not just for one thing. I want them to envy me for everything I have got. I want them to think of me as smart, beautiful and sweet. I want people to look at me and think: I wish I had a daughter like that... So after quite a long time, we're starting over. Goal weight: 60 kg. Wish me some luck! 

And we're back! After a few horrible weeks,we're finally back! I am now 14,5 hours into my fast. Trying to make it 34 hours without food. I hope nobody will distroy this chance. I am "sick" at home, that's my excuse. I am doing my homework, writing and reading a little. Trying not to get bored, because that's when I crave food the most. I want to make this last and get that beautyful, skinny, flawless body.  

I've been away for a while. I was forced to eat. I gained weight and now I am back. I am going to do better than before, I swear. I am sick of people telling me that I have to eat, I just won't from this point. Gaining weight again was the most disgusting feeling of my life, so now I want to get back to the feel-good losing weight. 

Wishful thinking is not going to get you there, honey.

Today was quite a good day. Ate 100 kcals of lasagna with salmon, but I burned 700 kcals! Yes! Yesterday I had the worst day in my freaking history, even before Ana came in my life I never ate that much. So I have to make up for it for at least a week. No more than 300 kcals a day. Even when it gets hard. I shouldn't have been so stupid to be tempted to eat all that stuff. My goal for tomorrow is only eating when someone forces me to. Otherwise I WON'T EAT! 

Love me for who I'll be.

Went to the gym tonight. It felt so good to burn off the calories I ate at dinner. I had such a good day, didn't eat anything but 3 little carrots. Then we had dinner. It was awful. We had pasta with a cheese sauce, I couldn't refuse to eat it... Just as I thought it couldn't get worse, we had chicken and salad. I ate about 450 kcal, so after dinner I went straight to the gym, I burned 675 kcal, so I don't feel so guilty anymore. I can go to sleep in peace with myself now and hopefully I won't hate my reflection in the morning. Goodnight sweethearts! <3

I am hungry. I want to eat someting. But I don't want to ruïn this day. I haven't eaten yet. I don't want to, but my stomach is begging me. Ana is talking to me, saying I don't need food. I can be flawless, I could be perfect. She says she will leave me if I eat, that I am not worthy of her help if I eat. But I can't stand those hungerpains anymore. I've been strong yesterday! I proved I can do it, I proved it to her and to myself. I have to prove it again today. No binging. Please...