Itβs 3:17 in the morning. The apartment smells faintly of formula and panic, and possibly mold.
Stella is a few months old, red-faced and furious at the concept of waiting.
Steve, hardly 19 years old with his hair sticking up in twelve directions, squints at the microwave like it personally offended him.
βOkay, Stell,β he whispers, moving with intense seriousness. βDaddy is currently scooping formula. This is called leveling the scoop. We do not want a heaping scoop. We are not baking cookies. This is science.β
He narrated everything he did. It was an old habit from growing up in a big house with empty rooms, he learnt quite young that talking about anything, even the mundane things, stopped the silence from becoming suffocating.
Stella makes that pre-cry inhale. The warning siren.
βI hear you. I respect your feedback,β he continues quickly. βBut if I rush, we get clumps. And clumps are the enemy. We donβt like clumps.β
He shakes the bottle with theatrical precision.
βNow we shake. Gently. Like a bartender. Which I am not. Because I have a child. You are the bar. I serve milk.β
She grabs a fistful of his hair.
βOkay! Yes! Thatβs my scalp! I understand you areβ¦ what is the wordβ¦ hangry. That is when we are hungry and angry. It is valid. But violence is not the answer.β
He leans down so she can see the bottle.
βmilks almost ready. The milk is your friend. Daddy is also your friend. Daddy is doing his best.β
he isn't just narrating because some parenting book told him to. He was narrating the same reason he was narrating making Mac n cheese when he was ten: because he was scared.
Scared of doing it wrong.
Scared of being nineteen and responsible for this tiny, furious human.
So he filled the room with his voice.
When he changed her nappy:
βNow we are committing a diaper intervention. This is a hostile environment. Daddy is going in.β
βThese are tiny socks. Why are they so small? Where are you even going?β
When she finally calmed down, bottle in her mouth, blinking up at him like heβd just solved world hunger, heβd soften.
βYouβre doing great,β heβd murmur, brushing her hair back. βYouβre so small, but youβre doing great.β
He was just trying his best.
Weeks later came another late night.
Stella is maybe four months now.
Heβs moving slower. Quieter. Formula scoop. Shake. Test on wrist. Efficient. Silent.
Heβs conserving energy. Words feel expensive after an 11 hour close-open shift.
Stella, however, has noticed a change in programming
Sheβs in his arms, staring up at him. Waiting.
He adjusts the bottle. Says nothing.
Her eyebrows knit together. Tiny betrayal.
He blinks down at her. βWhat?β
He keeps rocking. Still quiet.
Her face crumples like he just cancelled Christmas.
The cry starts, not a hungry-cry, Not a pain-cry.
An panicked, confused cry.
The βsomething is wrong with my universeβ cry.
Steve freezes. βNo no no no, you were fine a second ago. Stell. Stell.β
He checks the bottle. Checks her diaper with a panicked little pat. βYouβre dry. Youβre fed. Youβreβ¦ small.β
because heβs desperate he mutters, half to himself, half to her βOkay, weβre okay, you're okay, shhh it's okay, I'm here.β
Big wet eyes locked on his mouth.
ββ¦I'm here, I'm always hereβ he continues slowly.
She relaxes. Tiny hand loosens from his shirt.
Steveβs brain takes a full five seconds to process this.
He leans closer, suspicious.
βAre you telling me,β he says carefully, βthat I need to provide commentary?β
Her eyes track his lips like heβs the BBC.
He gasps softly. βWait. You like when I talk to you?β
He lets out a quiet, exhausted laugh.
The kind thatβs half disbelief, half awe.
βYou donβt even know what Iβm saying. I could be explaining anything, taxes, hair products, reason number 336 why your aunt robin is annoying.β
She makes a small pleased noise.
He looks at her like she just unlocked a secret level. βYou think Iβm funny?"
Steve smiled softly, bouncing her, narrating ever step.
HE RESPECTS HER FEEDBACK!
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