Fangirl

I guess every person who believes in bi!Dean has ever thought “but why has this silly guy never come out? He’s obviously flustered by men but he never really tries”.

And!

There’s the cut scene from 14x14, “Ouroboros”, where Dean says John used him as a bait for evil truckers.

And if we think more than a second, we can see young Dean with his big green eyes and plump lips, playing innocence and taking dirty hints to distract the monster.

So. One more time.

Dean knocks on the door, smiles, flirts, winks and finally gets inside.

John is getting ready. Dean is still in the truck cabin with a lustful monster.

How far is he going? Hardly think John cares. He’s waiting for the perfect moment, while Dean is being touched or maybe even kissed, because Dean is a good soldier. And good soldiers don’t ruin the Hunt.

It wasn’t one time or two.

“Dad made me do it all the time”.

Dean was being touched by men against his will constantly, so over time he just couldn’t perceive gay people as he used to do.

We all talk about John being homophobic, but what if it wasn’t the reason?

What if Dean just couldn’t imagine himself with a man and not see all these truck drivers instead?

What if that’s why he never flirts with men in early seasons.

He still remembers too well. He still sees not enough positive examples.

What if that’s why a little later even drunk he could only flirt, but not sleep with men. Because sleep means lust. And men’s lust is disgusting and dangerous.

What if only years later he watches “Brokeback mountain” for the first time, witnesses Jack Twist’s love and yearning and pain and thinks “wow. that was pure. that was real”.

What if the process we can see through all the seasons is not a getting rid of the internalized homophobia, but a healing?