Hi.

I want to be a boy. Until I don't.

I almost never want to be a girl.

Nothing ever stays still long enough for me to understand it, and I'm so tired of trying to explain something I barely understand myself.

My skin feels wrong.

Like somebody ripped me out of the body I was supposed to have and shoved me into this one because it was convenient. Every time I look in the mirror I just want to scream. That's not me. It never has been. It's a face people recognize, a body people call mine, but it feels like a stranger following me around.

I hate my teeth.

They're too small. Too dull. They should be sharp enough to tear through something. I keep running my tongue over them like maybe if I do it enough they'll finally become what they're supposed to be.

I should have paws.

I should have a tail.

I should have ears that twitch when I'm angry and pin back when I'm scared.

Instead I have hands that don't feel like mine and feet that feel clumsy and wrong and a body that keeps insisting it's human when every part of me is screaming that it isn't.

It's like my bones are lying.

Like they're bent into a shape they were never meant to hold.

I don't know what I did to deserve feeling like this all the time. I don't know why I got stuck in a body that feels like a mistake. Everyone else walks around acting like this is normal, like skin is supposed to fit, like mirrors are supposed to make sense.

Mine never do.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that I have to wake up every morning in a body that feels borrowed.

I'm angry that I can't claw my way out of it.

I'm angry that no matter how loudly my brain insists, this isn't me, nothing changes.

I just have to keep pretending.

And every day it feels like pretending is killing me a little more.

I want her to see me.

Not this.

Me.

The version of me that only exists behind my ribs, underneath the skin that keeps lying for me. I want her to look at me and see a boy when I am one. Something wild when I'm not. Something that isn't trapped inside this body.

I want her to understand without me having to tear myself open just to explain it.

But what if I do?

What if I tell her that my skin feels wrong, that my teeth ache because they aren't sharp enough, that I swear I can feel a tail that isn't there?

What if I tell her my reflection feels like a cruel joke?

She'll think I'm crazy.

She'll leave.

And I don't think I could survive watching someone I care about look at me like I'm broken.

So I keep smiling.

Keep swallowing it.

Keep pretending I'm just... me.

But my mind won't stop.

It keeps twisting everything.

Warping.

Some days I can almost remember what I was supposed to look like. Then it slips away before I can hold onto it. I catch shadows in the corner of my eye and, for a second, they feel more like me than the person in the mirror ever has.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I don't know if my brain is trying to tell me something or if it's tearing itself apart.

I just know that every day it gets louder.

The feeling.

The certainty that this isn't right.

That these bones aren't mine.

That this skin isn't mine.

That I'm trapped somewhere just beneath it, clawing at the inside, hoping someone—her—might see through all of it before I disappear into pretending.

There's something inside me that wants things I can't say out loud.

Not because they're evil.

Because they're wrong.

Wrong in the way people look at you differently once they know. Wrong in the way that makes them take a step back. Wrong in the way that makes them stop seeing you and start seeing a problem.

I don't want that.

Not from her.

Especially not from her.

So I bite my tongue until it hurts. I swallow the words before they can exist. I smile when I'm supposed to smile. I laugh when I'm supposed to laugh. I keep the thoughts locked behind my teeth because if they escaped, I don't know if she'd still look at me the same way.

My mind keeps reaching for things normal people don't seem to want.

It keeps pulling me somewhere I can't explain.

Sometimes it scares me.

Sometimes it feels like the only honest thing about me.

I don't know which is worse.

I just know I can't let her see all of it.

She deserves someone uncomplicated.

Someone whose skin fits.

Someone whose reflection doesn't feel like a stranger.

Someone whose mind doesn't keep folding in on itself until every thought comes out warped.

So I keep building walls around the parts of me that don't make sense.

Because if she saw everything

Every ugly, impossible, aching part of me

I'm terrified she'd walk away.

if she did I think the silence after would be louder than all the noise in my head.

Sometimes my brain slips somewhere I can't control.

It's like everything gets smaller. Simpler.

Words get harder. I want comfort more than conversation. I want to curl up somewhere safe and not have to think so much. Sometimes it feels so young it scares me. Sometimes it feels more like a puppy than a person—wanting warmth, wanting to be close, wanting someone to tell me I'm okay without having to explain why. I don't choose it.

It just happens.

And all I can think about is her.

What if she sees me like that?

What if she thinks I'm weird?

What if she looks at me differently after that?

So I try to hide it. I force myself to act older than I feel. I rehearse normal in my head until it hurts. I wait for it to pass without letting anyone notice.

Then it does.

And somehow that feels bad too.

When it's over, everything feels heavy again. Embarrassing. Like I've just woken up from a dream I wasn't supposed to have. I feel icky. Ashamed. I replay every little thing I said, every movement, every sound, wondering if someone noticed something was off.

I wish my mind would just stay the same.

I wish I didn't have to be afraid of myself.

More than anything, I wish I believed she could see every version of me—the scared one, the quiet one, the confused one—and still decide to stay.

Whenever I do it breaks something a little inside

Because I never will be able to

I can get surgeries

I can take hormones

But I am forever trapped out of freedom

Of curling up in the sun and licking my fur

Of floating with no form and drafting through the earth

Of feeling the wind under my wings

They tell you your brain is a part of your body

They tell you you need to take care of your body to be happy

And I do

The person on the mirror is pretty

They say the right things and have friends

They are anxious and scared and loved

And sometimes I even think they're me

But then the aching comes back

And the prison walls close around

i am very very very very very lacking in self discipline. i have very much started to give zero fucks about anything and everything. i don't fucking care if i drop out of college and do nothing but doom scroll and consume media for the rest of my life

obviously, this is no no no good

so. why not do an ol' fashioned notes game. did one of these on my old acc and it got loads of notes so eh maybe. i do have like almost 500 more followers on this acc. will accountability fix me. hmm

lemme see. knowing how likely people are to spam (which im perfectly okay with btw. gimme all the spam i need to fix myself), i needa make it somewhat difficult

red - unreached

orange - have hit the note goal/in the process of doing

green - completed

=

< 1 > - i pet my dog :> i love my dog

< 6 > - i take a sip of water

< 51 > - i spend at least 15 minutes outside without a screen or music (not including driving or walking to and fro places i have to go)

< 101 > - i will have my teeth brushed before 11 pm every night (currently a struggle to motivate myself to do so)

< 151 > - i will ask my mom for a proper water bottle and put way way more effort into drinking more water (she already says i needa do this)

< 201 > - i will be lights off, in bed, on weeknight, by 11:30 pm

< 251 > i put effort into going onto everydollar and making an account and budget (i rlly needa do this so ik how much i can spend)

< 301 > - i put effort into reading the king in yellow/cthullu mythos (wip bc i got a lot of work im not motivated to do rn)

< 351 > - instead of doing a shampoo only wash, i put time and effort into taking a full on shower every single time

< 401 > - i will put effort into a face washing routine

< 451 > - i'll cut back on my impulsive spending (also cuts back on my soda/caffiene intake which is quite ridiculous)

< 501 > - i will be lights off, in bed, on weekend night, by 11:30 pm

< 551 > - i put effort into editing that outfit styling video i did and making it somewhat palatable

< 601 > - if i have time, i eat a meal for breakfast instead of smfh insufficient (may change since my diet issues exist)

< 651 > - i try my damndest to go on a recreational walk AT LEAST every other day. gonna fucking try for every day.

< 701 > - i will put effort into reading a book not associated with my fandoms

< 751 > - i finally deal with the issue of my car probably needing an oil change and smth else bout it being wonky idk idr lol but ik its wonky

< 801 > - i clean up my room at the end of every day and if needed, do a weekly load of laundry. just tryna tidy up

< 851 > - i spread out my college readings/assignments (mostly for history) across the week instead of doing them all on the wknd (procrastination is a bad thing of mine)

< 901 > i find some way to bring an actual lunch to school every day instead of just a bag of chips or smth

< 951 > - i put effort into getting good enough at art to actually draw charlie dowd. this is my mission in life

< 1,001 > - i will wake up at 7 pm sharp so im not as rushed/can maybe eat breakfast

< 1,501 > - i put effort into actually making my malevolent fanfic list (a list where i organize every single fanfic ive read [gonna be based off of my bookmarks] for those who want quick access)

< 2,001 > - i will be lights off, in bed, on weeknight, by 10 pm

< 2,501 > - i start actually watching my history lectures instead of just taking the notes on the slides and actually try to learn (used to do this then lost motivation) (may be temporary since school ends next month)

< 3,001 > i will force myself to write at least 100 words of some sort of recreational something every single day (unless i have a school paper due)

< 3,501 > - i'll move my wake up time on shower days to 6:30 so i have extra time in the morning for work.

< 4,001 > - i put some actual effort into changing my diet from shitty junk food for the better (my mom has been doing this for decades so i can ask her)

< 4,501 > - whenever i have time, i finish one of the wips in my drafts/on ao3

< 5,001 > - i figure out some sort of exercise to do daily/some way to get my heart rate up (this is a wip)

< 5,501 > - i try to get cbt/some way to deal with my social anxiety (very likely the disorder kind) because right now im just considering running away from society to avoid small talk)

< 8,001 > - i finished at least next chapter of my s&co x malev crossover. (idk about finishing it all - that will take a while) (stressing me out bc i fear writing ooc)

< 10,001 > i find some way to convince my mom to let me buy a binder (shes phobic as fuck) (im sure i can find one thats not labeled as trans) (or i could just buy it myself) (tbh i don't need one but i want one)

< 1,000,001 > i become friends with a complete stranger (the amount of notes for this is completely fucking realistic btw. social AD is not a joke)

=

if you're looking at this and thinking "why does ____ have so many notes? that's not that diffcult" just know that not everyone is you and you are not the standard

also, if this one doesn't seem as important or interesting or whatever as the ones u see around discussing eds and sh and sui n the such, please realize things don't have to be life-threatening to be worth changing

but yeah. thinking about actually trying to make these things better lol. none of this is the end of the world, but still

edit: help last night i was so motivated now i don't wanna do any of this

Might as well join the bandwagon.

Red - Not Done / Procrastinating

Blue - Doing

Green - Done!

5 - Drink water (repeatable)

10 - Stand up so I don't have shrimp posture. (repeatable)

25 - Answer asks I don't have. (repeatable)

50 - Take a walk (Repeatable)

100 - Actually try and draw stuff.

250 - Try eating 3 meals a day

500 - Actually try cooking.

1000 - Try buying stuff that I actually want.

I'll tag people I guess.

1 - wow hi ur first

10 - i drink a whole cup of water

20 - i eat sum snacks for once

30 - i ignore what my nana says

50 - i brush my hair when i get home

70 - i brush my teeth too

100 - i eat a full dinner

150 - i STUDY for once

200 - i go to sleep at 10pm or earlier

300 - i take time to relax for a while bc i need to

350 - i draw something nice to make myself happy and i share it even though im nervous (no motivation)

400 - i take a nap

500 - i take a shower and wash my hair really REALLY well

1000 - i stop biting and sucking on my arms for a month

3000 - i stop punching myself for a whole week

5000 - stop punching myself for a month

7000 - stop hurting myself / self destruction in general forever

10000 - i tell mom how im doing mentally (this one is a HEAVY maybe)

(edited it a teensy bit)

Rules: You get 26 comments and 26 reblogs. That’s it. No more.

Anyway-

10 - I make my bed + handwriting reveal

20 - I finally watch one of the shows that’s on my watchlist (which I’ll post later) (I might put a poll up for that too)

30 - I sort my beads (they’re really messy :/)

40 - I start up and continue a consistent shower schedule

50 - I pick a consistent wallpaper and stick with it.

60 - I (try to) eat healthier

70 - I keep up a consistent wakeup/nighttime routine

80 - I sort my laundry (really need to do this)

90 - I consistently take my meds

100 - I keep track of all my medical stuff

200 - I revive my AUs and work on them (will post poll later)

300 - I make sure I drink enough water

400 - I pick a consistent theme and stick with it

500 - I stop doing my worse habits (not saying what they are but they’re really bad)

600 - I rearrange my clothes so I have a wardrobe that I really like

700 - I finally come up with a consistent planning + studying routine and a consistent organization

800 - I go through all my stuff and get rid of the stuff I don’t need

900 - I carefully organize my remaining stuff

1,000 - I’ll start a consistent exercise routine

2,000 - I’ll start to have better sleep hygiene

3,000 - I’ll start writing down every good thing about myself

4,000 - I’ll put time limits on my phone

5,000 - I’ll start a new hobby (something that y’all will choose)

6,000 - I’ll try to stay cleaner

7,000 - I’ll interact with some of my less-interacted-with moots

8,000 - I’ll give up sugar and lactose

9,000 - I’ll start listening to Metallica /silly

10,000 - I will set boundaries with my friends and on every single one of my social medias.

….yeahhhh there’s no way I’ll ever get to 10,000 notes-

Spam if you want idgaf :)

Crossed out- reached goal

😼1 note: woah heya pal

5 notes: brush me hair at night (!?)

10: wake up for school better

20: (that's a lot-) make art a bit more!!

40: play music a bit more!!

60 : try to get my wacked ass sleep schedule back on track (gd reference?!)

70: ATTEMPT to exercise each night

80: play music DAILY!

100: (yes a jump) I WILL ACTUALLY TRY TO STAY OFF PHONE/TABLET/COMPUTER MORE!! (My screen time is like 5h+ every day it's bad.)

150: (!?!) try to stop thinking about cvtting /doing it

200: try to organize my locker a bit more..

250: try harder to find out who I am..

300: tidy my room up A LOT since this is a LOTT..

400: get rid of 2 bad habits...

500: stop biting my skin off...

600: (wtf the number high-) attempt to go outside EVERY DAY! wether it's my backyard or a park!

650: stop being mean to my rude ass sister ...

uhmm.. I'll think of more if I feel like it. but for now, let's try to get to like... 20 first.

difficulty level: impossible

reached unreached

1 - shoutout :)) (( shoutout to @holymuttz !!.. why am i not surprised ))

100 - no more masking :((

1K - i try learning japanese

2K - i try relearning german

3K - be more open about my feelings

3.5K - i dont kms when im 16 😁😁

4K - i get my petty revenge

1 note: I drink water

5 notes: I put my screen down and just think for a couple minutes

10 notes: I read a couple pages of a book

20 notes: I brush my teeth

40 notes: I brush my hair

60 notes: I set an alarm to wake up

80 notes: I check my assignments list

100 notes: I do 1 homework assignment

125 notes: I write 500 words of my story

150 notes: I study for an upcoming test

175 notes: I don’t SH for a month

200 notes: I try to limit my sugar intake

225 notes: I go for a walk outside

250 notes: I write 700 words of my story

275 notes: I tell my mom the truth about something that has been weighing on me that I have to tell before may 3rd

300 notes: I go to bed 30 minutes earlier

325 notes: I keep my scoliosis brace on for the amount of time it needs to be on daily

350: I ask my parents to let me see a therapist

400 notes: I open up to my IRL friends

500 notes: I open up to my cousin

650 notes: I come out to my cousin

750 notes: I go to bed before midnight every night

Notes game time :)

5 - i'll stop snoozing my alarm so i have more time to get ready for school

10 - i'll fold my laundry

25 - i will drink more water

35 - i will try to brush my teeth more regularly

60 - i'll tell my close friends my preferred name and pronouns

80 - i'll go through all my clothes and get rid of all the ones i don't like (that i can afford to get rid of)

95 - i will sort my chaotic desk drawers

105 - i'll ask to get my ears pierced

130 - i'll put lotion on my really dry skin every night (i need to do it but i hate the feeling lol)

165 - i'll dye part of my hair purple

230 - i will vacuum my entire room

350 - i'll tell my good teachers my preferred name and pronouns

---

1 note - hello first person. I drink water. 5 notes - I do the lineart for a drawing. 10 notes - I interview someone for my homework. 25 notes - I finish the drawing. 50 - I do all of my homework. 100 - I got to bed before 10;30 for a week. 250 - I block the person I've been venting about.