welcome to my hobbit hole

none of the other dwarves give a shit, they’re perfectly used to nudity and bathing near others, and Bilbo is by far the most modest and self-conscious of them when it comes to showing skin

But of course, from Thorin’s pov it’s like watching a beautiful forest nymph bathe in the river. mythical creature meant to seduce you type beat

in his eyes Bilbo is bathing in the glow of the sunset, combing through strands of molten gold while exposing a scandalous amount of skin (cough his collarbone cough). AND Thorin can see the tan of his skin through his shirt. and he immediately thinks that this has to be the work of purposeful seduction. Bilbo wants to ensnare a dwarf for a husband by the end of the journey and he’s being painfully obvious about it. how dare he do this in front of people that aren’t Thorin

which is consequently why Thorin is hiding behind a rock as he watches, trying to make sure no one else is seeing what he’s seeing and scaring off anyone that comes close with a well timed glare. and he’s also trying not to come off as a creep because he’s been staring for a bit too long, and the last thing he wants is to scare Bilbo off

but then Bilbo starts humming a jaunty little tune and braiding his hair, as it’s gotten long over the course of the journey and he’s picked up some useful things from the company when it comes to grooming.

Thorin thinks he might actually pass out because Bilbo looks like he just popped out of a dwarven wet dream, singing and looking all shiny n shit

by the end of the night, Thorin’s sitting there with his head in his hands thinking “I must destroy him and his majestic allure. or make him my wife. I can’t believe those are my ONLY two options”

and would you believe it, their dynamic continues like that for the whole journey.

Dwalin and Balin are the first ones to pick up on Thorin’s plight, being his best and oldest friends—but they both have very, very different reactions to it.

Balin doesn’t indulge Thorin because he knows that Bilbo is a hobbit, and a very sheltered one at that. he realizes that their burglar most likely isn’t aware of the inherent intimacy of touching a dwarf’s hair, or braiding, or anything Bilbo has offered to do during their quest. in fact, he’s absolutely sure that absolutely none of the courting rituals Bilbo has performed were intentional, and were in fact blindly stumbled into.

Dwalin, however, is totally supportive of Thorin’s bullshit because Dwalin is the exact opposite of his brother when it comes to subtlety, and he is also physically unable to consider any conceptual alternative to whatever is plainly happening in front of him. he trusts his eyes and his eyes are telling him that Bilbo Baggins is a skilled temptress with designs on his king

Thorin, being delusional: Dwalin I’m being seduced and I think I’m losing

Dwalin, an enabler: I’ve never seen such blatant, shameless flirting in my life. brother he REALLY wants you

Thorin: FUCKING RIGHT?

Balin, staring in confusion because Bilbo literally just took a moment to pluck some leaves out of Thorin’s hair: No????

Balin tries—he really tries—to nudge Thorin in the right direction, to get his king to realize that Bilbo, in fact, is not doing all these borderline courting rituals on purpose. then again, he is an old dwarf and the whole situation is extremely entertaining, and he’s always had a mischievous streak in him. which turns him into yet another enabler—and at the end of the day, he doesn’t correct Thorin on his assumptions. sometimes he actively tries to make them worse, just for the hell of it, because if anyone deserves to have a little fun messing around with Thorin Oakenshield it’s Balin

Balin, teasing: ohohoho, wasn’t it nice of Bilbo to help Bofur rinse the dirt out of his clothes?

Thorin, clearly devastated: this is unacceptable

Thorin: he is doing it on purpose to invoke my jealously. I am ashamed to say it has worked

Balin:….

Thorin: he is a s i r e n

Balin:…….

Thorin: and I’m about to jump into the ocean

and that’s how it is until they reach Erebor. Thorin is constantly like “Hmm yes. Bilbo is a temptation, another obstacle meant to stray me from the path I must take” and everybody else is like what the actual FUCK are you talking about. are we seeing the same person. all of this melodramatic resistance to temptation happens in Thorin’s mind, and only because he can’t admit that he has a crush like a normal person.

Thorin can’t stop acting like a sailor lost at sea, doomed to be devoured by the beautiful creature he covets, and after a few months of watching that every day the entire company is just. completely done

and of course bad boy bachelor Bilbo Baggins, resident single handsome rich man in the Shire, notices the staring. obviously he asks Thorin what his problem is and Thorin panics and mutters something about Bilbo “using his looks to his advantage” and stalks off in a huff. Bilbo is very surprised to learn he’s that attractive by dwarf standards. because he doesn’t know that he’s not and that Thorin is just a special case. fuck secretive dwarves customs am I right?

the absolute worst part of this situation is that Bilbo is actually flirting and has been trying to seduce Thorin for months, but specifically by hobbit standards. all of his efforts have absolutely no effect because what hobbits consider courting is just normal, friendly dwarf behavior. It’s the stuff he doesn’t mean to do that drives Thorin up the wall.

Balin, however, being the member of the company with more than one brain cell, is the only one who sees this. and he’s very tired

Balin: Bilbo. Are you flirting with Thorin

Bilbo, flushing: well, I did feed him a strawberry from my plate today. I hope he doesn’t mind me being so forward….

Meanwhile, Dwalin and Thorin talking at the other side of the camp:

Thorin: Our burglar offered to wash my hair earlier this morning. I’ve never been pursued like this in all my life.

Dwalin: >:0……oh so he WANTS YOU wants you

Thorin: THATS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT

anyways I’m going insane with ideas for these two. 🆘 please