N1ch0l3(:

My heart is breaking

I’ve always dreamed of being a mom before I ever had the fairytale of wanting a wedding. Imagine always thinking about the others reaction surprising your family that you’re having a baby. Announcing to your first kid they’re going to be a sibling and so forth. Always knowing you wanted a house full of little humans running around. Yelling for everyone to get in the car while you take them to school. A huge thanksgiving and Christmas. Imagine finding out it’s being ripped away from you. That it’s no longer an option. That you’re always going to be stuck with the memories of yelling because you shouldn’t of had a kid yet the response of “fuck” and leaving you alone in a car. Or not being the first one to see your child because all the doctors and nurses took her so you didn’t see her first. The fact you have a scar on your body that people joke was an easy way out or you’re a “zip lock bag”. Imagine knowing you have the worst memories of almost dying and the worst pregnancy being all you get. You don’t get to relive it with another kid. It’s all you have to hang on too. It can break your heart into a million pieces. All you get is the postpartum that took months to overcome. My babygirl is enough. She really is. But all those moments leading up to her birth were hell. And it sucks to know that’s all I get.

In this moment I live for you. You’re my world little one. When the tears start to flow you yell out “mama” and come crawling as fast as you can. God knew I needed a best friend and this year has been filled with so much love from you I can’t imagine loving any one else. Calling anyone else my bug. In these moments where it almost feels like I don’t know why I’m supposed to be at this spot you remind me. You give me reason.

I am exhausted I don’t want to fight or talk or even smile at this point. I need peace.

God all this noise inside of my head make into music.

I need love to pour on my dead flowers, to water new seeds and bring me to life again. Make me new. Make me new. Make me new. Make me someone who is worthy of a persons time.

Last night I wanted to drive to the skate park and lay on that ramp and scream my lungs out. I felt little. I felt lost. I haven’t felt this way in a while. I was screaming inside to shut down and never speak again. I start to think I’m healed and then it arises and I’m not. I’ve forgiven. It wasn’t my fault but it still hurts.

Sometimes you’re so sad nothing can fix it. So god please help me while I continue shedding my tears in the shower and silently talking to you through the night