now at cavehags

after graduation, karma goes on a volunteer trip with zen to peru - she thinks it’ll be marginally better than being alone in austin, and her parents think it’ll be cleansing and refreshing. no one on the trip knows that she can’t afford college and was too embarrassed to tell her friends the truth about why she wasn’t applying anywhere. the kids on the trip are like her old lifeguarding friends. they’re loud and they like being outside, trying new things, leaving their phones in the tents, getting into weird drugs when their shifts are over. she pretends to like what they like, because she’s genetically wired to pretend to be someone she’s not. only here it doesn’t have the usual dramatic consequences. the more she ignores her instagram notifications for the sake of making friends, the less she cares about the day-to-day of what her friends are up to. what was supposed to be a six-week trip turns into four months. she and zen come home, sunburned and oddly fond of each other, just in time for christmas. her parents are proud of her and karma’s proud of herself, for the good she did in peru and for finally creating a version of herself that doesn’t just create more drama wherever she goes. maybe it’s dumb that she cares about that but she does.

years later, after karma comes out to herself and to everyone else for real this time, she gets a volunteering job on a crisis hotline for lgbtq kids who are struggling. the training is grueling, learning about confidentiality and disclosure and what kinds of scenarios she can expect to hear about and how she has to be calm, always calm, no matter what she hears. she cries a lot during that training process and she cries a lot after some of the hardest calls. but at the same time, helping people, being a soothing and comforting voice, helps her connect with that scared and disbelieving girl she was and offer a gentle, loving nod to someone with that same pain

honestly, the whole time karma is getting her anchor tattoo, she can't stop thinking about that night in the swimming pool

shane, noah, amy and sabrina all go to pride together. it’s a perfect sunny day. shane and noah put rainbow temporary tattoos on their shoulders. at shane’s insistence, amy wears purple extensions in her hair and her first-ever pair of doc martens. sabrina dresses like she always does, but she’s really excited and cheers for everything she sees. lauren shows up at 2pm when they’re all drunk and have been drunk-texting her to get over there for hours and when she finally muscles her way through the crowds to join them, wearing an interACT t-shirt no one even knew she owned, she grabs amy’s flask and chugs what’s left in it to catch up. they take selfies and laugh in each other’s arms and they love themselves and each other and it’s so beautiful

one morning karma catches herself doing her makeup before she goes downstairs for breakfast with amy and farrah and she knows she’s in deep.

not an epilogue, just a memory that karma thinks about a lot: when karma was thirteen, her mother sat her down and talked to her about masturbation. she said that it was healthy and good to do, and that it helped release endorphins that would feel really good. karma was mortified, as she usually was when molly tried to talk with her about sex, but she was also attentive. she wanted this knowledge because she felt it would make her a woman. the next day she told amy everything and the two of them poured over books in the library, learning all about their bodies. see, karma didn't want to be a woman without amy

lauren, karma, and amy drive up to clement for an overnight visit. lauren wants to demand one of the twin beds for herself, but she does the gracious thing and says she’ll share with amy. karma tosses and turns all night, cold and stung and telling herself that this is what’s right for amy

karma and felix never have sex. the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he’s just not ready. karma is happy to give him space. her fantasies are changing these days: long blond hair, bitten-down short fingernails, the familiar smell of unscented lotion and cucumber melon shampoo. her dreams are so vivid, she doesn’t know how any reality with felix could compare

there comes a time when karma starts to notice little things about amy she can’t believe she never noticed before. amy always brushes the right side of her hair first, but she brushes the left side for longer. sometimes when she laughs she closes her eyes. she talks faster when she’s tired and slower when she’s drunk. noticing these things, karma feels as if amy is drawn in brighter colors lately. she used to be part of the background, but now she’s vibrant and bold