faitharmor⚔️

(CONTENT WARNING: above blog archives have explicit and/or adult content and are TESTIMONIES of what I used to write, portray, and how i lived my life.)

I was part of the tumblr roleplay community and many other rp communities across the internet, including Gaiaonline, jcink, and proboards. I did this hobby for about 16 years before I started to take my faith seriously in 2020-2021. To clarify faith, I was never really a believer or follower of Christ until I was BORN AGAIN in January 2023! Hallelujah! Note: I am not saying Christians cannot role play or enjoy writing as a way to develop characters, stories, etc. As long as it's not used to write content that would make you sin and it's not becoming an obsession.

Before that, I was depressed and detached from reality. I chased short-lived satisfaction in p**nography and alcoholism. I hyperfixated on the horror genre, supernatural & horror anime, tv series, video games, movies, and more. I felt empty all the time, had deep loneliness & despair, a void within me, & I filled it with those addictions.

I had insomnia from late nights living my double life. I was hateful, rude, condescending, competitive, swore all the time, & angry. I had a history of identifying as a bisexual, dated other girls online, and frequently played male roles during role play. I had gender dysphoria, went by 'khan', or 'khanivore'. I internalized a lot of it and would act out by doing drag king and drag cosplay IRL and roleplaying hypermasculine male characters. I began identifying as bi or pansexual, and was uncomfortable being a woman IRL and roleplaying females, even with the few I attempted to portray.

I attended many conventions to portray my comfort characters that I also roleplayed. When the convention was over, I felt like my heart was being burned alive & there was nothing to fill that void. I was never satisfied and sought after dozens of rp communities to take up my time so I could idolize playing hypermasculine male characters in the roleplay communities I was a part of.

Wrote hundreds of thousands of words portraying s*xual fantasies with males & females (which was part of my p***ography addiction). I obsessed over becoming male characters; thinking their thoughts, living their lives, not my own. I was hateful & manipulative in the relationships I sought to portray, breathing threats and vicious gossip against others. I became oppressed by demons while playing sinful music that glorified death, sex, and destruction, created vision boards that made me think of these characters, obsessively memorized their dialogues, and did some crazy forms of method acting. These characters had their own birthdays & astrology signs that I celebrated.

“But the wicked are like the troubled sea, When it cannot rest, Whose waters cast up mire and dirt.” Isaiah 57:20

I saw many friendships made, torn apart, and savagely destroyed due to the toxicity of the community. Without Christ, people unhealthily hyperfixate on their idols and become jealous of other people writing better, portraying a certain character better, and seeking all types of 'shipping' relationships that don't go well. I know because that's what I did. I was so competitive that I plagiarized a lot of my ideas and writings from other roleplayers. I hid it for a long time.

Just before Covid, I ordered a silicone male chest from an online, transgender s*x store. Before, I had been wearing chest binders and also binding shirts for when I would do drag/drag cosplay. I was planning to dress in drag and attend a convention, and had fantasized about hooking up with women when we would inevitably attend the convention dances and raves. Covid cancelled those plans, and I am actually thankful. Soon I got Covid and was fearful of death. I began questioning my life, my choices, and my faith.

JESUS set me free! He had been knocking on the door of my heart. I did not seek Him, I wanted to live in my filth, I loved my sin. But HE sought after me & my heart slowly softened. And I also had to RESPOND to Him, I chose to finally give my life to him. My eyes began to open. I love being a woman, a daughter of God, enjoying feminine things; such as wild flowers, cottagecore, and dresses. I don’t share this testimony to glorify myself; don’t want the wrong attention or things my old self would have gloated over. I share this testimony of where I WAS, to show where JESUS SET ME FREE!

We are all under the wrath of God due to sin, because we live in a broken world. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Seek Jesus - He isn’t religion, He’s a real person, the son of God, who was sent to die for our sins in our place. Someone who wants a relationship with you. He wants to set you free from pain. He can give you answers & true identity; not the CULTure.

If the Bible says we are all sinners (Romans 3:23), (1 John 1:10), that our sins have separated us from God (Romans 5:10, 2 Corinthians 5:18) then you see why I urge you to repent (turn away) from your sins, believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. (Acts 16:30-31)

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2