F4ILED!

So in short, I hate it back home and am thinking about moving back to Alpharetta where my company’s Atlanta branch is.

It doesn’t feel like home here where my mom keeps criticizing my body and life choices and treating me like I’m a child and incompetent of doing simple tasks such as cooking on my own (despite her recognizing I’m a good cook). It doesn’t feel like home where I’m surrounded by coworkers who talk of their kids and buying boats and fantasy football in their leisure time and it doesn’t feel like home where the only friends I have locally don’t understand my passion for music and research.

It feels like home where there’s constant music happening around me, whether it’s true music being practiced by colleagues or the music of the locals of my favorite coffee shop tapping away frantically on their laptops trying to finish a research paper or blog ad the murmur of coffee grinders and intellectual talk litter the background. I miss the talks, laughs, cries, rants and even panic attacks I shared with my colleagues as we all struggled along through music school. I miss being around people who love what they're doing and want to change the world and love learning. I yearn to be in such an environment again.

I visited my college town for my birthday weekend and hung around my friends reading while they practiced and warmed up for their ensemble placement auditions. Nothing made me happier to be in a cozy place listening to music develop.

Sigh.

Got my euph back from my friend after lending it to him for months to keep up and practice. He really prefers my Willson now to his horn. It’s been about a year since I took up flute lessons, so I may contact my flute teacher again here soon. We have a lot to catch up on and I enjoy our nerding out over stuff such as games during breaks. My family can deal with the noise. So tired of not being able to workout, eat, or really do anything in my own time without getting scrutinized.

Will hopefully have a place to myself within the next few months. Can’t wait to make a media/music room and start practicing again regardless if it’s flute, piano, or even euph. If I move back to Atlanta, I for sure will take up euph again leisurely. Maybe I’ll arrange stuff again for shits and giggles. Idk.

So before I begin this rant, let me just admit that I am guilty of judging other’s life choices and that I’m not going to go on some hypocritical soapbox here. I mainly judge choices of people that I care about when I see that they’re making less-than-stellar choices that are pushing them down a path of destruction. That being said, I know all too well that some people have to learn the hard way what’s good or bad for them and that they’ll ultimately snap out of it somewhere down the road, recover, and be a stronger person for it. If they shrug off my help and I truly care about them, then I’ll be there by their side to catch them when they fall and help them back on their feet. Now that I’ve made that disclosure, I’ll get into the meat of things.  Facebook is a lovely way of determining who are legitimately your friends (aka, people who have your back no matter what and look out for the best in you) and who are pure acquaintances. Things get kind of weird when you keep people as friends for networking reasons or because of “old time’s sake”, for example, your previous teachers.  I was just scrolling through my facebook when I encountered a status that one of my music major colleagues from undergrad posted informing the world that he will be starting at a new university this upcoming fall with a new degree - that in youth and family ministries. Ok, not my thing, but hey, he seems really excited about it and enthusiastic overall about God and he’s overall a fantastic person to others. Genuinely kind. The few times I’ve talked with him in the music halls, we were either engaged in some retrospective and intellectual conversation or laughing our asses off. Many people liked his status and gave him words of encouragement, which made me happy to see - the music major life is not for everyone, and honestly, if he feels his calling is elsewhere, I’m all for whatever he feels makes him happy. I have no doubt he will make a positive impact on people’s lives.  Now here’s where the rant really starts. Among this feed of comments, I see two people who completely slammed down my colleague’s decision and expressed their utmost disappointment in his character. “This is a very bad decision and is VERY SHORT SIGHTED on your part!!!Finish what you started…It will be an asset that you carry around the rest of your life. Perseverance is a virtue that Ministers possess. It is very unwise (yes FOOLISH) to change colleges and majors at this point. It is a prime example of why you should NOT be a minister…..you’re making foolish choices for yourself….how do expect others to give advice any creedence??!!!” "I am so disappointed in you. You’ve taken seven years of hard work, and are basically flushing it down the toilet.” And here I am thinking, dayummm, shit’s going kind of weird. Then: ”A very bad decision. You’re not going to make it as a minister. You don’t have the maturity. You can’t even manage your own emotions, your life, or your health. How can you possibly advise others spiritually??? Impossible. Not everyday is fun in music and or being a music student. To say you are not cut out to be a band director shows me you haven’t thought that through. You haven’t even begun to consider the avenues you can follow in the field of music…Your constant direction changes and psychological problems (to include your suicide attempt) is proof positive you don’t have a future in the ministry!!!” …

Yes. This happened, on a facebook thread.  Where do I start with this? Perhaps I should just list my thoughts: -Bringing up someone’s suicide attempt on a public forum is absolutely horrendous and disrespectful.  -As someone who is nonreligious, I feel that someone who is recovering well from any type of extreme hardship (and I believe that hardship caused by one’s own mind is the most extreme) would be the best people to inspire others to save themselves. -College is always sold to people as a time to really discover who you are and where you want to go in life. It’s a start, and I believe that there is no time during your college education that is “too late” to switch paths in life. Better and more acceptable now to do so than when you’re on your own as an adult and being distracted by paying back loans and possibly taking care of a family. Take your time to discover yourself, and don’t be afraid to change your mind.  -The music major life is very hard. As someone who drove herself mad to the point of hallucination and physical outrage and destruction and who has pretty much dropped permanently from music school. I can tell you that many of us constantly discussed whether or not we’re in the right place, and I would hope that this healthy interaction exists in all schools. We constantly sought feedback from our professors, advisors, and our colleagues to see if the path we were going was truly worth the fight and if we would be happier in it. It is my opinion that regardless how noble the cause, if you are not happy where you are, it will bleed onto your actions in life and affect others negatively. 

It's still going on - tonight's the last night. Maybe they have a live stream I can catch...maybe I shouldn't... This is the first summer that I haven't been involved in a summer camp, and it's a weird feeling especially after attending IEI for the past five years and being known as a "regular" and "veteran."