Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light

“Why are you such an asshole?”

"It’s a part of my charm - and much fun. You should try it some time.”

          benny smiled softly at what seemed like a casual exchange, trying to decide whether it would be less painful to not be having this conversation at all. it felt too normal, as if both of them were ignoring what had happened. her heartbeat hammered in her ears. you’re worth this. the words turned over in her mind and she almost felt like crying. “no, i guess she hasn’t,” the phoenix said, swallowing. she wasn’t sure why, exactly, but just that she hadn’t. there was something about the confrontation that felt different; like there was more to it like nate just trying to get back in her good graces. this one felt like a sincere apology. he wasn’t running this time. her stomach turned as he stepped closer. his hesitance sparked a small twinge of doubt in her stomach. maybe this was just another — albeit extravagant — attempt to stop her from being angry. did he love her, or merely the idea of her? did he even love her in any facet? “nate, i —” she started, only to be stopped by hands against her face, too familiar and sending something like hope braiding itself down her spine. it was then that his lips pressed against hers and a mildly terrifying sense of homecoming spread through her body. it took her a moment, a moment that summoned a few tears to her eyes. she was tempted to stay there, in this embrace, with her fists clutching the material of this dumb shirt for dear life, but something lingered. “nate,” she said quietly, pulling away for a moment, searching his face, moving her hand to press softly against his cheek. “i meant it. what i said.”

The moment their lips met, Nate remembered what he couldn’t earlier, the last time they had kissed. It was only a couple of days ago, she had brought his costume to him and he had half-heartedly kissed her goodbye. He had been more irritated with her than anything else for forcing this costume at him, and he had decided even before he kissed her that he wouldn’t wear it. And now here he was, wearing the same costume, not because he was forced to but because he was hoping to please her a little if he could. He could sense the difference in their kisses before and now, something had changed between them, at least for him, everything was different. Benny didn’t let this kiss last long, pulling away from him far too soon. She didn’t completely step away though, which was a relief to him, he didn’t think he could deal with that. The warmth of her lips leaving his made him feel like he was losing a part of himself and he wanted nothing more than to get that feeling back again. Her words make him take a sharp breath. Again, she didn’t have to tell him what she meant. His thumb went up to brush her tears away, he remembered how much he had wanted to do that earlier but had stopped himself. But now he didn’t have to stop himself anymore, he didn’t want to. He was afraid of what could come of letting her in, with Benny he was scared of so many things, but maybe it was okay to keep his fears aside and let himself feel for once. “I know.” His words were barely a whisper and it terrified him to be telling her this. But he knew he didn’t want to see her hurt, and he didn’t want himself to be in pain and if such a simple thing as telling her the truth was going to save them, then why shouldn’t he. “I know, Benny, I – “ Another deep breath, another moment of weakness but looking into her questioning eyes made Nate more confident. A hand slid around her waist pulling her slightly closer to him, the other tracing her cheek in the pretence of tucking her hair behind her ear. “I didn’t realize this before, I really don’t know when I started to love you. But what I know now is that I do. I love you, Benny, and I want to be with you. I want to do things differently and  maybe then I won’t end up hurting you like I have hurt you now.”

          benny shifted under his gaze. she couldn’t remember him looking at her that way before, and it was truly disconcerting. the way he stared at her made her feel warm and safe and precious, but not long ago his words had betrayed this. the phoenix had to keep herself from running at him, wrapping her arms around him and refusing to let go. she crossed her arms and tried to breathe steadily, though it came out shaky. she studied him, the costume he was wearing. it looked truly ridiculous on him. he was like an overgrown boy scout with a raccoon hat on. a smile threatened to burst across her face, accompanied by a laugh, but she kept it to an amused smirk-like expression. then she was hit again by the circumstance and her face softened. “what if atlas doesn’t want to see you?” she asked softly, broken, taking the flowers from his hand. she, of course, was referring to herself, though she definitely did want to see him. she wanted to be with him all the time, but she couldn’t tell him that. benny tried not to smile again at the image before her; nate dressed up as an overgrown runaway boy scout with a raccoon hat holding atlas and petting her softly. “really, nate,” she said after a moment. “why are you here?”

Nate narrowed his eyes, noticing her eyeing his costume up and down and smirking. “Yes, I know I look ridiculous, no need to laugh about it.” he said, his expression softening even as he spoke. “But I decided that you’re worth this, and much more.” He looked away just as the words left his lips, taking his time to let Atlas back down on the floor. Her question sounded simple but he wasn’t blind to the meaning it held, he could easily see that what she said wasn’t what she meant. His eyes were on hers again and he took a step closer to her, having to hold his hands to his sides so as to stop himself from sliding them around her and pulling her close to him. “Atlas hasn’t kicked me out yet, though. So I am hoping maybe she does want to see me?” he said softly, sighing at her question. He didn’t really see the point of stalling, he was here for a reason. But it was like his reflex to simply avoid such situations and conversations. It wasn’t easy for him to do exactly the opposite of what he usually did, which was to admit his feelings instead of running away from them “I am here because - because I - “ He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what he was her to say. He took a deep breath and tried to speak again but he didn’t manage any words, simply felt like he was choking. When words failed Nate, he let go of his physical restraint and cupped her face in his hands, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers.

          benny shifted under his gaze. she couldn’t remember him looking at her that way before, and it was truly disconcerting. the way he stared at her made her feel warm and safe and precious, but not long ago his words had betrayed this. the phoenix had to keep herself from running at him, wrapping her arms around him and refusing to let go. she crossed her arms and tried to breathe steadily, though it came out shaky. she studied him, the costume he was wearing. it looked truly ridiculous on him. he was like an overgrown boy scout with a raccoon hat on. a smile threatened to burst across her face, accompanied by a laugh, but she kept it to an amused smirk-like expression. then she was hit again by the circumstance and her face softened. “what if atlas doesn’t want to see you?” she asked softly, broken, taking the flowers from his hand. she, of course, was referring to herself, though she definitely did want to see him. she wanted to be with him all the time, but she couldn’t tell him that. benny tried not to smile again at the image before her; nate dressed up as an overgrown runaway boy scout with a raccoon hat holding atlas and petting her softly. “really, nate,” she said after a moment. “why are you here?”

Nate narrowed his eyes, noticing her eyeing his costume up and down and smirking. “Yes, I know I look ridiculous, no need to laugh about it.” he said, his expression softening even as he spoke. “But I decided that you’re worth this, and much more.” He looked away just as the words left his lips, taking his time to let Atlas back down on the floor. Her question sounded simple but he wasn’t blind to the meaning it held, he could easily see that what she said wasn’t what she meant. His eyes were on hers again and he took a step closer to her, having to hold his hands to his sides so as to stop himself from sliding them around her and pulling her close to him. “Atlas hasn’t kicked me out yet, though. So I am hoping maybe she does want to see me?” he said softly, sighing at her question. He didn’t really see the point of stalling, he was here for a reason. But it was like his reflex to simply avoid such situations and conversations. It wasn’t easy for him to do exactly the opposite of what he usually did, which was to admit his feelings instead of running away from them “I am here because - because I - “ He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what he was her to say. He took a deep breath and tried to speak again but he didn’t manage any words, simply felt like he was choking. When words failed Nate, he let go of his physical restraint and cupped her face in his hands, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers.

          “…and most of all, i’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way i feel when i’m with you,” benny said in unison with baby, muffled by the pretzels she’d shoved in her mouth. the crumbs dropped down the sweatshirt of nate’s she’d stolen, the one that practically swallowed her whole. her cheeks were stained with tears, wet eyes reflecting dirty dancing, a movie she watched whenever someone particularly upset her. especially nate. the whole night had been a mess. benny wanted desperately for him to show up, making some big romantic gesture, maybe boombox careless whisper outside her window, but even then she wasn’t sure what she would do. just as she was contemplating this, taking a swig of vodka, a knock came at the door. she nearly choked on the drink, wiping it off her chin and leaping from her couch, rubbing her fingers beneath her eyes to wipe away any excess tears and brushing the pretzel crumbs from her sweatshirt. she paused the movie, gave atlas a quick pat, and shuffled her way over to the door, nearly falling over at the sight of nate through the peephole, all fish-eyed and costumed. realizing what she was wearing, she quickly discarded the sweatshirt to the side and straightened out the big t-shirt, opening the door hesitantly. she stared at him for a moment; stared at the flowers in his hand, forgot to listen to what he was saying. “what do you want?” she asked before her brain could even process the situation, sounding congested and tired. benny rubbed her eye with the palm of her hand and sniffled as atlas nudged her calf, weaving between her legs softly.

Nate honestly had never appreciated how beautiful Benny was before this minute.  It was as though he was seeing her in a completely new light. She looked dead tired, her hair was messy, eyes puffy and she wore a really ugly t-shirt but even with that, Nate found her to be the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. Seeing her made him feel like he was breathing again. The last couple of hours after he had left her alone at the party had made him feel like he was drowning and now, finally, he could breathe. But just seeing her wasn’t enough for him, he yearned to close the gap between them, kiss her, tell her that he was sorry and make everything right again. He smiled slightly when she asked what he wanted, quite relieved that she hadn’t just shut the door on him. “You know what I want. I left the party of the year, went home and dressed up as this - this - Sam, was it?, drove here at a million miles an hour at two in the morning to see Atlas of course.” he said solemnly. At the mention of the name, Atlas left her and came to Nate and he knelt down and picked the cat up in his hands. “Would you hold this for me, maybe?” he asked a smile playing on his lips as he extended a hand and gave her the flowers which she was yet to take from him, balancing her cat carefully in his other hand. 

@bennywilliams

          had she cared, benny could’ve watched a cup fall from someone’s hands in slow motion, the fluttering skirt of a dress as it turned, the youngest velazquez’s slow descent to the floor. but all she could see were the parts of his face that began erasing themselves before her eyes. all she could feel was the faded breath of a hand she hadn’t had to power to reach up and hold in place. benny watched, helpless and stony and numb as the man began to burn away from the world. she could still feel the thumb that pushed a tear from her face, that ghosted its way across her lower lip, the echoes of hope turning into sobs that pushed against the back of her teeth. she was frozen. there was nothing. the party might as well have come to a complete stop. the image of him, halfway in front of her, burned into her memory. and then, in an instant, he was gone. in the last moment of muffled, still, underwater feelings, came a whispered, “i love you.” she could hear again, the pounding music that was suddenly giving her a headache, the laughter and movement around her bursting back to life as she muted a sob. she covered her mouth, trying not to let herself make a sound, keep her knees from buckling and making her topple to the floor.

Nate knew heartbreak, he had experienced it in its fullest once before in his life, memories of which if he starting to think about still tore at his heart making him feel the pain of it all over again. But this wasn’t the same. Experiencing it was one thing but seeing it happen right in front of his eyes knowing that he was the cause of the same heart wrenching pain for someone else made him feel completely lost. He simply stood there and watched her for a few seconds, frozen on spot ignoring the couple of people who bumped into his invisible form and what a terrible decision that had been. Had he left immediately, he wouldn’t have had to watch her fall to pieces before his eyes. He knew that her tears and her pain was on him but he told himself that this was better even if he couldn’t seem to truly believe that anymore. Her whispered I love you shocked him and he felt himself choke on his own breath and slowly break inside. It scared him how much he wanted to console her and tell that he felt the same way. He shouldn’t be letting his past stop himself from doing what he wanted to do but he had been letting it control him for so long that even though he wanted that to change now, he couldn’t seem to let that happen. Of all the horrible things he had gone through and done in his life, turning around and walking away from here, leaving her in this state had to be one of the hardest and the most cruel things he’d ever done.

“So you want me to call you tar-head?”

“Not creative enough for my liking.” he smirked. 

“You could have had me fooled. Looked like I touched a nerve.” 

“You did.” he snapped. “I don’t take it kindly when people insult my profession or my idols.” 

          she could feel her heart beating everywhere. and though she felt that blood was coursing through her veins, a distinct, almost unfamiliar feeling of coldness ran through her body. she couldn’t remember feeling like this. heat, warmth, had become her life. and suddenly it was as if someone had thrown ice cold water over her head. the once near flaming fingers felt icy and dead, like they weren’t her hands anymore. it was then that she realized there were tears streaming down her face, barely registering that she was bumping into people behind her. they jostled her slightly, unaware, though it seemed benny didn’t notice at all. she had been staring at him for a few silent moments, tears forming small pools in her collarbones. “yeah,” she said, not breaking eye contact. “of course.” her words weren’t malicious, but almost eerily understanding.

Nate couldn’t turn away, not when she was looking at her the way she did. There was no hate or anger in her eyes, only hurt and pain. And he absolutely hated that he was the reason behind that. She merely uttered a word or two but even with that, Nate could sense how different and distant she sounded even though she stood there right before him. All he had to do was take a couple of steps forward and press his lips to hers. The pain she felt, the pain he felt, everything could be erased so easily. It was that simple. Before he knew what he was doing his legs had carried him forward and suddenly there was very little space between them. His hand went up her cup her cheek and he brushed a tear away with his thumb. He took a ragged breath as he glanced down as her lips, trying to remember the last time he had kissed her but he couldn’t. It didn’t really matter though because he knew if he kissed her right now it would be different, it would mean something completely different. His thumb traced her lower lip for barely a second before he dropped his hand to his side and turned invisible. It was a reflex, turning invisible to avoid his problems and it felt absolutely stupid to be doing this now. But this wasn’t just an escape, he was sure his feelings showed plainly on his face and he didn’t want her to see that, nor did he want her to watch him walk away from her. He wasn’t sure what he really wanted but he was sure that he simply couldn’t walk away  if her eyes stared into his with such intensity. He took a few steps back, his eyes still fixed on her but felt somewhat relieved that hers weren’t focused on him anymore. 

For a moment, she actually thought that maybe he’d stop being mean but then came the latter comment. “Should’ve known.” She muttered to herself as she shook her head for being optimistic. “You don’t see me going around calling you tar-head since your hair’s as dark as it.”

“I’ve never stopped you from doing that. I only remember telling you to get more creative with your name calling, love.” he teased.