I am not a robot.

I've been really going through iiiiit. I want to be more positive. I realize my brain like automatically thinks negatively and that im just super unlikable and people just pretend to like me. I think because people haven't been the nicest to me over the years. I have always gone above and beyond for people who wouldn't do the same and years of that mixed with old family trauma.. yee. I know why I am the way I am i just don't know how to change it. I know im waaaaaaaay better now than I used to be but I still have these problems creep up. Much less vocal about them than I used to be so I don't push so many people away but I have my moments still and have to try and correct myself. Anyway, losing a friend and coworker I saw everyday has been heavy on my mind and has changed my outlook on some things. Tell your friends you love them. Be there when they need someone. If you're fighting over dumb shit, let it go. You never know what is going to happen. Forgive people that may have done you wrong in the past and try not to let it affect how you treat others who are not them. When i say forgive, obviously there's some things that are absolutely unforgivable i know that. I just mean try not to let it cloud how you view new people in your life that haven't done anything wrong. Another thing I have learned is that resentment can really really fuck with you mentally. Especially if it comes to family or maybe a close friend. This i am still trying to figure out how to handle.

Anyway be kind to others you never know when the last time you will see them is. Listen to your friends and family when they are talking to you. Really listen.

As someone who has tried to take their own life multiple times, I wish I had friends during that time who would really listen and understand me. Instead I was met with a lot of judgement. Some of my "friends" even made fun of me. Some talked behind my back. If they only knew what i was dealing with inside my mind. I was young and lost and a absoloute mess. I didnt understand what was happening to me. Just be a good friend if you really love someone that's all.

When i tell you he was the sweetest person I mean it. Always had a smile on his face. Made friends with everyone. You truly never know what someone is going through. I wish he knew how much we ALL loved him. I cant believe i won't see his smiling face everyday or hear "well hello darlin!"

And I know this is all stupid but still.

Probably ruined multiple relationships I've had with people and didn't even know it lol. My own brain is against me wtf.

And even though I realize that, it doesn't stop

Lmaaaaaaoooo.

I was like huh?? How would that cause confusion and a blind spot in my eyes. And i was like the only allergy I've had to medication is hives and i don't wanna have a stroke or something. And then she said well people usually only get strokes from birth control if they have an implant. HUH? lol what. Maybe just write down my symptoms and tell the doctor.

My hair is accidentally green.