KP. T1D.

I know diabetes feels impossible. I know you are struggling. I know you feel helpless. I know you are angry and frustrated. And I know you feel like no matter how hard you try diabetes always beats you.

If only future you could send a message.

Future you would say it is okay to be frustrated. It is okay to eat what your friends eat without guilt. It is okay to feel like diabetes is kicking your ass, because it is. Diabetes is hard. Frustrating. Incurable. Sad.

You don’t have to feel guilty for being angry at having diabetes because others may have it worse. You are allowed to have your feelings about your disease without any guilt of other peoples diseases.

It gets better, you still have hard days. Hell you still have hard weeks. But you always push through. You’ve learned that it isn’t you or diabetes winning, it’s coping and learning to adjusting.

You’re doing so great, keep pushing forward.

I feel myself getting more frustrated and angry. And I know it’s that my blood sugar is just going high and it’s as simple as giving some insulin for my mood to come back down. But I feel myself wanting to sit in my emotions for a little, even when I know it will make me feel like shit.

I feel myself getting sad. Sad that my body can’t just do what it should and balance itself out. Sad that I’m reminded again that this will be a forever thing.

And when I come back down I feel thankful that I am able to save myself from feeling angry, frustrated and sad of something that is part of me. Something I’ve lived for the longest time now. And I know it’s okay to sit in my emotions and to feel everything I feel because this life is hard and it will continue to be. But in the end it worth all the struggles and big emotions.

12 years of hospitals, shots, insulin, pumps. 12 years of struggling with highs and lows.

12 years of living longer thanks to hospitals, shots, insulin, pumps, and struggling with highs and lows.

It may not be the easiest and I may not always feel grateful but I will forever be grateful to be able to see my life as it is now. To be able to see my family grow old, to have my fiancé standing by my side, to travel, to succeed and to fail.

I may not be grateful for my diabetes, but I am grateful to be able to live my life with diabetes.

It’s a disease that is uncontrollable even when you have control, a disease people feel the right to tell you to do better or do this or don’t do that. It’s okay to be angry and for you to sit and feel that anger for a moment, you have every right to be angry. And when you’re ready, take a breath and move forward.

Just try to not let your anger towards your disease turn into anger towards yourself. You didn’t fail. You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t cause this. This was not your fault.

Usually when I go I’m terrified because you’re pretty much be judged on every little mistake you make or bad habit you have without the consideration of you being human. My blood sugar has been all over the place and my A1C wasn’t the best but I finally found someone who focused on the good that I’ve been doing even though I had plenty of stuff to work on.

Why can’t all endocrinologist make us feel like we are human and trying our damnedest to be good? I’ve never walked out of an appointment and not felt like I can’t breath. I actually walked out and felt like I can do this. I can test more without being terrified of a bad number appearing.

But god I miss having the community of diabetics who don’t pretend to have their shit together and only live life as “ health and wellness” bloggers That only show the positives and wins of life with diabetes.

Diabetes is ugly, difficult, back breaking, and terrifying. And it’s exhausting both mentally and physically. It seems that people are desperately needing other diabetics to tell them they struggle too. I know I do. To be able to have people how understand and relate when your being dragged through the dirt, celebrate with you when you have victories and hear you when you inevitably get thrown back down again.