My Terrible Thoughts

It took me a year an a few months, but i think i realise it now. Hopefully this is not because i finally made a pretty big mistake, and now i’m just running away, but i always, from the start, very naturally put you above even my own family. I say this though there is only one other member, and perhaps i say ‘put above’ but really it’s on the same level. But i no doubt, have made sure to escalate your position in my life to way way up there. This could’ve been for fear of losing you, or the thought that this is it, i don’t want to have to find another one. 

But i’ve come to realise, albeit, too late, that i shouldn’t think things like, “Oh it’s just for now.” or that, “It’s ok, i’ll be on that level soon.” Because ultimately, someone who has been with you for much longer than i have, have not been put to be above family. And so i will always be second. This isn’t to say that i want to demand that i am put above family, or maybe i am, and i’m trying to justify myself. But it just dawned on me that i will never be put on the same stage as your family. And it just makes me sad, even though i know that is true, and it’s perfectly reasonable, in every proper relationship, expected, even. But the selfish thought that i realised i’ve harboured until now, the thought that i will be the only one in his eyes, will never happen, that really hurts. I’m currently, DEFINITELY PMSing right now, but i don’t think i’ll feel differently after this. 

It’s also been pointed out by a close friend that i am indeed putting him and i above all that i said i will do this year. I have just still been so smitten and content, now actually complacent with my life with him, butting into his life where i am not welcome, but not trying to improve myself or pull myself away. 

Another friend has been saying she needs to pull herself away from her boy as well. And i realise now that i should be doing the same thing. I started off going over more often and living my life out of his home because i was hoping that this will bypass his need of “living together” before getting married. Honestly, i know that we can’t actually get a place together, unless we rent, and where able and NOT in a foreign land, i refuse to do this. Because unless family demands so, if we just rent instead of buy and knowing how little we earn, we are NOT going to be able to save up for a place to buy. But the overall lack of care he has towards it also lets me know that he doesn’t find any urgency in this. Which i should find alarming because we talked about this when we first started going out. There were so many things that are already getting delayed, and i need us to start moving. When i bring it up, i am suddenly hit with issues i also am not able to control, or be asked why aren’t i doing something about it. But my question is still, “What about you? Neither. Have. You.” 

There’s only 2 months left of the year, and i’m falling behind in a lot of things that i have set for myself, and i am horribly disappointed in myself. I need to wake up, and start changing the web of difficult changes i need to undertake my new schedule. This isn’t a, “It’s ok, i can just change one thing” but more like, i need to move this to accommodate that, but make sure to do this to fix that and to plug that in so i’m not forgetting this. Two nights ago, that sounded really unfair to me, but now i see that we are in a ‘comfortable’ part of our relationship. I say that in the fact that he’s no longer excited to see me, neither will he pay much attention to me. I understand the idea of doing your own thing in each other’s presence, but that’s not going to work in a room with one table mostly taken by a computer, and me on the bed, feeling horribly uncomfortable, and without my entire room of tools and resources needed for my art. 

Since there has been no compromise for this, and in light of recent events and my understanding that we are just ‘dating’, as well as the uncomfortable, though true and factual and unyielding fact that i will never and can never be put on the same page as family, i need some time to lick my wounds. I have been terribly selfish and feeling high and mighty about myself. I need to clear my head, check my ego and humble myself. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? I have a lot to change about myself, and to fix about myself. And it’s true what they say, i need a support where i can grow, and help the other person grow. 

Though that being said, i have also been a bit of a brat. I’ve started to expect a lot of things from him that aren’t necessarily healthy but me being greedy and petty. I link too many things together, and try to fix one thing with the expectation of a result somewhere else. And because they don’t meet that expectation, i feel a rejection. And that rejection is hard to follow, even though i know, (here is where PMS is such a shit) LOGICALLY it makes sense, REASONABLY it make sense and hell, people can be tired too. But where that happens and i feel that if we lived together this will be so much better and so let’s look for a place together, his thought is a lot simpler, and to me, so unsatisfactory. It is therefore to make your own way home, bye now. Like, it makes sense, but at the same time, i also want to have leaps and bounds in our relationship and not trudge with nothing happening. 

Though that being said, i have ZERO reason to move out, my mum is wonderful and understanding, and lets me be so so free. I only have minimal responsibility with her and i can SAVE, so long as i’m not spending as much, i have all the necessities apart from work right at my doorstep, more importantly, i am not limited to just his room. I can spread out, and omg i have a desk. 

When i have a mental breakdown, i gage immediately what kinda damage can be minimised. I might try to think that sympathy or understanding might happen. but it never does. When attacked, you instantly go straight to protect your ego and pride, you tell me how you don’t need to put up with this, and how all i’m hurting is myself. But you are hurt. And i can’t apologise. Because i am tired, and sick of the same conversation, i play it in my head so clearly. One time i can’t pick up the warning signs of my PMS anger, and this shit hits the fan. But that doesn’t matter, because you will always respond thus. Instantly it is your ego, your side, what you don’t have to deal with. Not for a second is it your fault, or do you take responsibility that maybe, just maybe, i don’t want to hear it. Like i’m not already bashing myself for failing until that point. And then i snap.

It began easy, you said at least 20 minutes is ok, as long as i do it right. So i tell you i did 20 minutes, you get angry, “No, at least 35-40″ and i’m just like “what the fuck. You said 20.” “No, at least 35-40.” well shit, don’t i just feel like i wasted 2 weeks trying to keep up 20 when i should’ve been doing double that, at least. 

The snap is easy, fast. And that’s when i realise i am not ok. That everyone around me lately has been so tightly pulled, and everything around me is so tightly pulled. I am just waiting for my own break. But i thought it was ok, i will should’ve known, i absorb and reflect. And so of course i am cracking, on breaking point. I want to apologise, because i know what happens next. The ego protection, the pride, the putting it back on me. And i say what i’ve wanted to say for the longest time, “How the fuck do you want me to answer? Is me coming here and hearing this shit every week not evidence enough? What the fuck is your question supposed to mean? I know i am a failure’” and you say, “failure to yourself. Don’t apologise to me, i’m not the one letting you down.”  I don’t want to press that button and hear that autoplay again. I am over it. I don’t have to hear how easily replacable i am to you. But i have to, because i hurt your ego, and so this is the punishment i get and deserve, i knew the answer to that, i knew the response, but for once, i wanted to give a different answer. 

My best is not enough, i want to destruct so much. Maybe i’ll just not eat, just fuck it all. Or i can just eat. Just fuck it all. It’s the same anyway. 

But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if i give up now, halfway, or whatever, because you already have the script in your head. “She just didn’t want to put in the effort. She’s not ready for the change she needs to do.”  If i had my choice, i wouldn’t change for shit. But i know what i NEED. It’s not what i want, i NEED to make it. I need this to happen. But i don’t WANT it. Because i want comfort, stability, niceness and for humanity to not be fuckwits. But I need to constantly strive, improve, learn and keep up with everything. This world has no time for people who might fall behind. It will keep going no matter what. So i’m stuck. I don’t want to be on this train, but i NEED to be on it.  And now i gotta stay later, because i do not want to have the conversation when i get home, “If they’re making you cry, why are you going? You don’t need that. You are paying for that.” So i cry, stay there until they leave home, so i can walk back. And on the short walk i bump into so many fucking people. And I don’t want to talk, or do anything but just get my ass in the door so i can cry again, and wash off this filth that exists on me. And then i feel bad. Cuz we cross paths, so i hug and smile and kiss, and they tell me they will come back in 6 hours. I say ok, then keep walking. An aquaintance comes up and says ‘oh you lost some weight, looking good.” like, buddy, i just had a whole breakdown of why that is NOT the case. Then they ask if i’m ok, cuz they see the puffiness, and i’m just like “i’m good, just tired.” because i would rather tell my mother first, than you what is wrong.  Then i bump into the old retired couple going out for a walk before i make it home. And just keep breaking down.  //end rant i am grateful for the opportunities i have to try and do what needs to be done

i am grateful for the people who love me and want to do the best for me

i am grateful for the observations you see when i’m trying to hide it

i am grateful for you working, but still reading my messages as i continue to break down over the internet

i am grateful for a space on the internet where i can throw all my emotions into this abyss

i am grateful to God for putting me through this challenge

I am thankful that i still know what is the correct way to go about this, and not submit to the temptation to self destruct.

I am thankful for all this,

Look here, I am not a dog, and I don't happen to be blind. I can see you, don't snap your fingers at me to pass you the key. Just don't fucking do that kind of shit.

I thought you kicked the fucking bucket this month. Guess not. Sounds on the train pissing me off so hard. Old man in front of my humming to himself, but behind on his phone loud enough to wake the dead, dude next to me in the two seater doing the same.

Haven't seen D in a week cuz he gotta assignment, wish we didn't need to not see each other because of it, but ok, whatever.

He's gonna see R today, to sort out something necessary, but why, always the worst timing. Tonight will be a cry fest for sure when he tells me it's done, but obviously they had to meet, and then my emotions go "hey bitch, missed me?"

Goodnight Brain, let's go to sleep now.

Who's that?

Oh.

Hello, every moment in our 8 month relationship where I was made to feel overwhelmingly insecure.

It's only when I'm contemplating and fighting my own self righteousness that I hate my virginity. If I was to be exactly as sinful, exactly even, then I wouldn't worry about this. I wouldn't worry about my incompetence, I wouldn't compare myself. I wouldn't attempt to quantify love.

But none of these is what matters. My virginity should not be a burden. Neither should it feel like I am pinned down by the weight of thinking any better or worse of myself because of it. Love is intimacy, not satisfaction. It is more than 15 minutes of pleasure, but more like 15 years of dedication.

But at times like these I can't stop my brain.

Lord, please help me.

I hate my paranoia, this self destructive way where I want to relive again and again a relationship that began and ended before I was here. I logically know, that the time we met each other is better than the time we could've met each other anytime before that.

Lord, please stop me from hurting myself. Please remind me of your Grace, bring up the maturity I do not possess, that I may continue my relationship with him. Please stop me from thinking so much about the past, bring my back to the present, let me be present.

I pray that I don't count this as a crown to be worn, but a thorn I learn to pull out of my heart and bandage it with love and patience and the grace you gave us all.

I pray that he might learn to bear with me. To deal with my immaturity and short comings. To be patient with my incompetence. LORD, let me be safe in your arms. Away from the thoughts. May you guide me away from these.

In the name of your Son Jesus Christ,

We're so far apart

I wondered how long it'll take for us. And the answer is 44 minus 29. What a monthversary it was. I've never really dirty talked over the internet before. At least not outside of fanfiction context. The protagonist was never myself. But you make me crave being the protagonist.

It started with you being tipsy. Me in bed and ready to sleep. Talking about your day, about the bar and the cocktails you had. You told me how your friends had a "guy talk". And the topic came up. I wanted to know. I craved knowing.

We were on the phone and you're in the lobby, afraid to go upstairs because someone will be in the apartment. But as we continued, it was even harder for you to go upstairs. People were around, you were laying on the sofa. I was craving to be on the sofa with you.

You had to go, you considered the stairs but 10 flights was not a good idea cuz you've been walking all day already. We hung up.

Turns out you were alone in the apartment. I was looking up ways to not be affected by your history, and trying to get over how I'm not the first.

Then i forgot everything when you corrected an innuendo, I didn't want you to. You lacked self control right now. What better way to start.

I love it when you are possessive of me. When you tell me how much you want me. When you say how hard you want me. I want you just the same. I want to feel you so badly.

And you made me laugh, you made me shake, you gave me instructions. I was panting.

I asked you to call.

You did.

You were a bit out of breath. Your voice so husky. I wanted you to take me right there, over the ocean, over the sky, over and over again.

But someone came in. And you had to go.

Fuck.

Divine intervention?

Maybe.

Probably.

But we kept typing.

Oh I was begging.

I want you to take me raw.

Fuck me till I see the stars.

Love me till I can't see anything but you.

It doesn't work unless it's you.

Your hands.

Your body.

I can't wait for you to come back.

Against mine.

Mum's home, safe. Yay!

You need to go, fuck.

I asked for something.

You are complying.

Thank you.

To do it, you need to put my stomach in knots.

When you told me I was ok.

I assessed myself.

That's ok.

Do it.

The day is today.

No I'm not ok.

My stomach is in knots.

I can't put it away.

I'm not concerned.

About you getting back together.

I can't pinpoint the season for this feeling.

It scares me.

I'm jealous somehow.

Envious maybe.

But I'm not sure.

My stomach is in knots.

That I can tell.

But that's all I know.

Go away please.

This feeling of mine.

Just go.

I don't want it.

Let me draw it out.

Let me rid it on paper.

Lord please,

Hear my prayer.

Grow me from this.

Pull out this toxin from my being.

In your time not mine.

But please Lord, help me.

I can't do this on my own.

I can't ask for help.

Because he's too sweet.

They both say they can cut each other off.

Because of me.

Lord help me.

Don't be selfish.

Learn.

Learn.

Help me through this.

Learn.

Grow.

Lord.

Grow me.

One step at a time.

Your love is for real.

Who am I even asking?

I know I'm stressed when I dream about the neighbour who was freaking me out do shit again. I dreamt that the police were talking to me again. But instead of coming straight to me they spoke to my neighbour due to a noise complaint. And then whilst they were talking to me I saw a huge flash. He was taking photos of the inside of my house. Fuck.

I woke up with a knot in my stomach, knowing I have to work 8.5 hours with someone who has suddenly decided to hate me, and nitpick at every little thing I do does not help.

I want to be strong. I want to not need to worry D when he goes overseas. He's already expressed he's feeling uneasy. I don't want to tell him. He has so much to worry about already.

I have started doing what I normally do around 5 months into the relationship again. I've started looking at things we can improve on. And voicing them out. At least, unfortunately it's stuff that I think about. He hasn't said anything in particular about what I should improve on myself. So I don't know. I'm worried. At least he says he loves me. But I'm still so worried. I'm not too worried rationally. Because he said he'll tell me. And I need to trust him on that. He hasn't shown me I should doubt yet, i mean, there's been delays...but it's ok.

Please.

Please pass the 5 months. And then I'll be in new territory, totally unknown.

Please tell me you'll put in the effort with me.

Please don't return with a change of heart please.

Please ease this stubborn heart of mine.

Please stop stressing out body, I don't want my face to break out in hives again.

Please end this year with a good note.

Please come home safely, mum.

Please come home safely, D.

I know you need to concentrate, and i’m thankful that you answer my call anyway. I know you’re trying to finish everything off ASAP and you have a lot on your plate. I kinda wish i remembered that so i don’t even call. Cuz when you’re not listening when i’m talking, i wish i didn’t bother talking at all and just let you concentrate. And there there’s also this little voice in my mind that’s saying, “He doesn’t care anymore. The honeymoon period is gone, you only know what that’s like, he’s bored of you now. The 5 months thing is DEFINITELY a thing, he’s done with you.” 

But i KNOW that’s not the case. The side that can still put 2 and 2 together reminds me that you are assignmenting. And being comfortable around each other is not a problem. Remind me that i shouldn’t be asking you to do the 5 love languages quiz when you’re busy. To not ask everything to the bone and marrow so that some things can be left for interpretation. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that what my friends say affect me. When someone mentioned that it’s pretty shit that you didn’t buy me a present for my birthday i remind them i don’t only care about that. I loved the fact that you spent time with me, that you drove me around, that you were there. That you asked me what i wanted over and over again. And those gestures should be enough. But the selfish and materialistic side of me was burning to hear that and decided to make it into a big deal. To say, “Yeah, therefore he doesn’t love you enough.” I’m gonna fight that off a bit more. I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations from you. And i’m sorry i’m having these thoughts. 

I’m sorry that some other friends were talking about relationships and brought up the fact that when you don’t answer my messages it’s as if you’re not putting my as top priority. Now the reasonable side of me reminds me, “You only need to answer questions. If i’m just blabbering on about my day, shit like ‘i miss you’ its ok for you not to reply. Knowing you read them and that i’m thinking of you, or that you’l get to them when you get to them should be enough.” But again this other selfish part of me is screaming, “HA! He’s not putting you as highest priority.” And i battle it again saying, “GOD is the top priority! He should be the top priority!” but then it retorts with, “Do you really feel like he’s putting God first as well? I don’t think so.” And then i tell myself we can work on this together. God knows i’m also not putting God first, even though i should. So we can work on it together, but i keep delaying, saying to myself that you’re busy. That you’re doing things and you can’t RIGHT NOW. But when does that end? We need to do this together. Let’s do our best and may i not delay it anymore.

I am bugged by the fact that you’re going overseas without me. Again this is painfully selfish and i know it. I’ve been going overseas without you too. But this is so important to you, and i want to be there. But unless i do something really reckless, i can’t. And i really can’t afford to do something really reckless. So i have to stay back. But i will be so jealous of you going. I’m sorry. I will not let that bind me. I will fight it. And i will remember that we will have the rest of our lives (or so long as you’ll have me) to go to these places again, revisit them, visit new places we haven’t been to before, together. I will fight this. 

I can't stand being outcasted. I don't have much childhood trauma, but this is one of them. Don't tell me we're good and then act differently around me. Woman, just tell me you're pissed off and need to be left alone. Don't half ass your bullshit lie and wonder why I'm just bugging you. For fucks sake. 2 days in, two days out of 7 is how much I see you. And I'm already considering quitting. It may be the hormones talking. But fuck this. Last week you couldn't wait to talk to me. Last week you spoke to me so much, was so eager. And now you just turn a 180 and don't expect me to be concerned. What the actual fuck. You know your moods affect me too. You keep connecting us by what you believe, so how the hell can you expect me not to be affected?

You knew I'd try to get it out of you. Got yourself an escape plan too. I've never seen such cowardice done so thoroughly. Well fucking done. Just know how selfish you are for doing this to me. I break down and cry in the middle of the street calling for help going what the fuck. We all get our share of shits. You're not special because you have more to deal with. None of us are special. No one is. And this is the reality it comes to.

I lied. It was 3am i think, somewhere between 2 and 4 anyway. You blurted out the words i wondered if i’d have to wait 3 years to hear. You laid next to me, i wonder what more i can do for you. You said something, and then whispered “i love you”. I paused, but that’s pretty normal for me. You froze. Not so normal for you. The panic on your face dissolved any joy i should feel from hearing those words. I considered in that split second to be selfish and to show how overwhelmed i was by those words, so you can’t take them back. 

But i couldn’t. I know how easily those words come to me, and how much they mean to you. How much you need it to be a rational decision. But we’re not in this relationship as 18 year olds who have time to just decide and change their minds. Time is catching up to us. And it’s never felt more real to me to be with you.  So instead i said for you not to worry, i won’t believe that you mean it until you tell me that that is the case. You say you felt bad, because you said it whilst we lay together. I feel bad, that you can only say it then. You said you can’t deny it, because it’s not entirely true that you don’t. My heart does somersaults at the thought. At the very idea that you do mean it, just a little.  I ask that you give me today. Today to just squeal over it, just like you did when i said it to you. You said it’s ok. But honestly, i’ll always remember that moment, even though i was tired and completely out of it. Even when i’m not sure when it happened. Because it felt so sincere, so raw, and i guess that’s why people do say it at the time you did.