Yet Another Yearner

You spend a lot of nights awake, be it due to insomnia or your body just not being tired and ready to go to bed. One such night you spent with Harumasa you decided to use this free time to watch him sleep. Neither of you have actually slept together before, you’d drop by his office on a slow day and nap on the couch but sharing his bed was a new experience.

He’s always been hesitant about actually sleeping over with you or hosting you at his place, for reasons he wasn’t too keen on opening up about at first, until one night you spent at the hospital with him (something about a job gone wrong, and his condition) did he explain himself; he gets nightmares far too frequently. Or at least he says they’re just nightmares, he believes the sight of him so pitiful and helpless might just be ugly and you shouldn’t be forced to see it. Still as undeterred as ever you insist it can’t bother you.

You find out that night he’s not exactly a heavy sleeper, the slightest noise or movement will get to him so you move quiet and slow as you roll over in bed to face him still trapped in his arms. He lets slip a barely audible noise like a grumble and tightens his grip on you, tugging at your emotions—did you disturb him? Does he think you’ll leave him?—He almost looks like he’s frowning for a moment before his face turns neutral again.

Releasing a breath you’d been holding in since he moved now that it’s clear he’s still sleeping you begin to study his features; his hair framing his cheeks, his jawline, his lips, eyelashes every part of him that you can physically see at all only illuminated by the cool light of the moon outside the window.

You want to touch him. Squish his soft looking face in your palm, run your fingers through his hair and scratch his scalp gently. The urge almost becomes overpowering but you know what’ll happen if you do. He’ll yawn and wake from his slumber, before giving you a tired glare and complaining about needing his beauty sleep.

Or he’ll just whine about it, like he does before you now. It’s extremely soft sounding as if he didn’t mean to let the sound out himself. Wondering if your mind is playing tricks on you, you touch his cheek gingerly. “Haru?”

“Mmhn-” Harumasa almost sounded like he didn’t know if he’d just woken up or not himself, but his eyes still shot open and he instantly chased after your touch nuzzling into your palm “(name)?.. it’s the middle of the night…”

Aw, “no, sorry” you replied and shook your head. “I didn’t mean to get you up, I just thought I heard something”

“Oh” Harumasa’s expression goes from disoriented to embarrassed, pained even as you recall. You can see the gears turning in his head and practically hear his thoughts ‘there I go again’ and 'I wouldn’t be surprised if she got up’. “Sorry, i’m not exactly a quiet man.. I hope this doesn’t turn you off?”

You flick his nose for the poor joke, he lets out a little yelp. “Haru it’s fine, I told you that already didn’t I?”

“Yeah, I know I know..”

“Nope, no 'I know’ tell it to me straight”

Harumasa mumbles something under his breath at you, and your hand cupping his cheek presses firmer in warning. “Words, Haru.”

“..(name) let me go back to sleep.” He replies grumpily and buries his face into your collar. Of course you huff but you relent to his pleas for rest with a gentle kiss to his cheek and a soft whispered ‘goodnight’ as you too close your eyes.

Harumasa is not a heavy sleeper though and it shows. The second time you spend the night over the same thing happens; you watch him for a while before laying your head down, he sleeps until he doesn’t find peace in your scent anymore and the terrible sights in his dreams begin. When you next wake up after dozing off he’s muttering incoherently in what you first think is some kind of daze.

“Harumasa…” you try calling his name, he doesn’t respond. “Haru, babe” you place your hand gently on his shoulder—

—And his hand shoots out to your arm. You could almost swear you hear him say ‘no’ like he’s convinced he’s fighting something or someone. His grip is almost bone crushing.

“Harumasa, wake up” you shake his shoulder and his eyelids flutter in recognition.

“You-” his eyes shoot open much like your previous night in bed with him, his breathing becomes heavy as his hand retracts from your arm. He knows what he’s done, like a guilty dog he shoots up in bed and reels away from you horrified, what if that had been your neck? What if he’d choked you? “(name)- oh my god i’m so sorry”

You shush him and press a finger to his lips, but his eyes are still blown wide and his chests still heaves. “Harumasa, listen to my voice ok? Relax..”

“Your home,” you tell him, it’s all you can when you don’t know what he must’ve been reliving just moments ago. He registers your words slowly testing them out in his own head. “Your home right now, that's all it is.”

“And… and the door is locked.” He reaches for his choker on the nightstand and clasps it around his neck. “The front door.”

You blink once, confused before you understand and hop out of bed to check. Your just going down his hallway and double checking the front door has been locked to assure him but he follows you, less like a guilty dog and more like a lost puppy who was given a piece of chicken. You confirm together that his door is locked and then you check the windows that are closed and secure.

“See? Nobody can come in” you smile softly as the two of you sit down on his couch together. You catch his hand drumming on his thigh and decide on holding onto it, interlocking your fingers together. “You can rest sweetheart..”

“The door is locked” he thinks aloud and you nod, “the windows are closed” you nod again, and watch as he takes several long slow breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth, you haven’t seen him this on edge before so it was nice to know he was able to calm down now.

“Thank you, (name)…” Harumasa's voice softens as his free hand not being held by you rests on your cheek. “You can go back to bed if you want, I just need a minute or two out here by myself.”

Instead you look at him, “Are you sure?”

So Harumasa does anything to reassure you and say he’s fine by leaning in and closing the gap, kissing your lips. It’s short and sweet, you can still taste the bitter flavor of that melon juice he had with dinner earlier tonight. “I’m positive, love. I’ll be right there in a bit.”

You don’t believe him this time, but you understand his need for space so you head back off to bed.

“Senior Ye” it’s written all over your face before you even ask. “Can I pet your ears?”

“My ears?” Shiyuan blinks his eyes open and peers up at you from where he’s laying in your lap. Your hands are already in his hair so he wasn’t expecting you to ask first before your fingers moved to his ears.

To your delight he shuts his eyes again and relaxes further against you “if you want to, go ahead.”

His ears are incredibly soft, softer than you could’ve expected. As you glide your fingers gently along them they twitch and move around individually. His tail begins to sway slowly and his lips quirk upwards in a gentle smile.

For instance, during his agent story he might’ve had his closest call. We see ether(?) vein marks on him, though they’re not black like the ones we saw on Vivian. But unlike his flare ups, the faded markings stick around even weeks after the initial event. He sits up awake countless nights staring at himself through the bathroom mirror, with thoughts of the veins appearing back and the intense pain to follow.

The fear sometimes is enough to trick his brain, which can trick his body. He can get so stuck in his thoughts he actually feels them. And along comes Wise who asks if he wants to go out.

“You don’t have to if you’re not up to it,” he always tells the archer “but if you want we can spend our time together. I’d love to have you along.”

“Partner..” The title holds a different weight, not the same as those days in the Hollows together. “You’re too kind trying to hold me together.”

When he says this Wise looks confused, even worried. Harumasa is quick to smile brightly at him and assure; “not that I need holding up. That would be a weird thing to say!”

Wise second guesses his answer though. He sees the faint marks poking out from beneath Harumasa’s skin, threatening to glow and writhe again like worms- the worm imagery makes him cringe internally -a testament to the disaster that plagues, no, ravages Harumasa’s short life. Wise sees the silent hurt. He looks worn down.

Then and there Wise decides “no, tell me what you’re really feeling. The Harumasa I know doesn’t lie.” As he sits on the edge of the bed.

Harumasa thinks very long and hard. Tell the truth, or push his limits? Choices choices… but in the end he ducks his head in shame and mumbles an apology.

“I’m sorry. It’s just too heavy to bear. I can’t make you carry this too..”

Trust; to him such a deep level of intimacy is a very clear progression of trust between people. It’s a show of how deep his bond with Wise has become; to have know that they’re both comfortable seeing and feeling all of each other was truly a massive step. For Harumasa at first he was reserved and sometimes the thought of somebody touching him (and in the wrong places to boot) felt frightening. Wise was able to prove that touch wasn’t foreign and it didn’t have to scare him or make him uncomfortable. Nowadays thanks to his efforts Harumasa often initiates touch with him.

Care; sometimes Harumasa can barely stand to bathe properly, Wise will help him walk and undress in the bathroom and always, always asks if he should stay or not. When the answer is yes Harumasa is more than happy to take a bath with him, just glad to feel Wise’s hands on his bare skin. Sometimes they’ll talk during the bath while other times they’ll just laze around against eachother. While washing Harumasa’s hair it’s important to make sure he doesn’t slouch, else his hair will get in his eyes (and so will his shampoo.)

Warmth; Put simply that man hates being cold, he’s like one of those little Italian greyhounds. He almost melts into Wise’s arms on a number of occasions but when they share a bed he entirely tries to fuse himself with the proxy. It was kind of cute, maybe funny too, Wise would tease him about it when Harumasa wriggled into his clothes giving him that wide eyed kicked puppy stare. He just wants to feel the warmth of someone else’s body for once.