eyehave2browneyes

we need to talk... (this is never good)      this is tough for me too but ive been thinking it would be best for me to be on my own. i have alot going on and between wanting to go to school and me trying to do whats best for me. I need sometime to figure out my shit. its not that i dont like you anymore because i like you sooo much and your family is so amazing. i hate that i have to do this but when it comes to school and me bettering myself i have to only focus on myself its going to take alot of work and stress i know myself very well. i dont want to think about how my actions are going to affect other people. ive been really stress and i didnt want to do this but every choice i have been making, i think what about seth? and i have to stop doing that. thats why ive also been kinda distance the past few days cause this has been on my mind and i needed to see if i could be okay without you and its definitely tough cause i care so deeply about you. but you have your own thing going on. the thoughts of you leaving for a month to go to Korea or new Zealand scares me. but thats also why i think its best for maybe both of us to focus on our careers we are so young but these are the years that can make or break us. i really dont wanna lose you i hope we can be close and i can still rely on you for advice and being a friend cause you are one of the most amazing people i have ever met seth. <3 you are crazy good to me and i appreciate everything you have done. please dont be mad at me i hope you can understand where i am coming from and you will still stand by me and the choices i make. i really just in no place to be in a relationship. and maybe if we were meant to be together in the future our paths will cross again. 

so its like 230 in the morning, and i wide a.fucking.wake. my mind is racing i get these ideas that i just have to write down or map out and figure out before i can sleep and my mind keeps going like im on speed. sometimes these thoughts are so normal, and sometimes its these impossible things that i probably couldnt do even if my life counted on it. it just one thought perfectly mapped out after another after another until im completely lost on what im even doing then i lay down to sleep and my mind doesnt silence, but it also doesnt complete thoughts so its a bunch of nothing. i try counting sheep i try listening to music i try to read or scroll on my phone nothing works until im staring out my window from my bed completely awake, but now its like 4 in the morning and i try writing out my thoughts or researching things i dont understand nothing, absolutely nothing works i havent slept in probably a month. i havent fallen asleep at a reasonable time in like a month, a whole fucking month. i eventually fall asleep at like 7 in the morning and wake up at 9 maybe 10 honestly it depends on when my father wants to start working on the house. hes the one that normally wakes me up. but now its take two on trying to fall asleep. again.