ExtremelyNessa

I’m dying on the inside but I always look for hope. I’m pulling and pulling on God’s safety rope. Lord if you hear me, I’m asking for strength. I’m asking for your protection over my heart cuz my mind is sinking. I just keep thinking, it’ll be better. I know it will. I hold onto faith and pray for tomorrow that I’ll get what I deserve. For now I gotta put my mind and soul on do not disturb.

It’s too much for my heart too much for my soul to sit here and look back at my life unfold. I got this pen to this paper, praying it’ll get me somewhere greater. Lord if you hear me, I’m asking for your guidance. I pray you just show me where the light is.

I know what I want in a man. I am no longer going to settle for less. I have been mistreated, disrespected, hurt, and lied to. I deserve a MAN who will walk with the Lord with me. I want him to place God at the center of his life. I want a man that will respect me, my flaws, my weaknesses, and my personality. I want a man that is not just interested in my appearance. I want someone who will walk to the end of the earth to show they care for me. I want it to be clear that he loves me. I want more walk with the talk. I want a man who will respect our differences, a man who will be slow to anger. A trustworthy man. One who I can lean on when I'm needing a shoulder. Someone to be my best friend. Someone I can trust with all my secrets. Someone who won't threaten me. Someone who play fights with me, but knows when to stop. Someone who opens doors and closes doors for me. I want someone who knows how to treat a WOMAN. Someone who will remain loyal and faithful to me. Someone who respects my decisions, who betters me and promotes my well-being. Someone who agrees to have guy and girl friends. Someone who will take mini vacations with me. Someone who will spend money on me from time to time and allow me to take him out from time to time .Someone I can bum around with some days, sitting watching cartoons or Discovery fit and health and shows about the ER. Someone who is not too shy and not too outgoing. Someone who respects my family despite what they know about them. I want a man that will tell his friends and family about me. I want someone I will be able to grow old with. Someone I can start a business with. I want a man that knows all of me and all about me and still loves me No less. I want a man who will continue to educate himself in all genres of life. I want a man who loves kids, elders and people. I want a man who will know that we may argue sometimes, but to never go out of line with what we say when we're angry. Someone who won't put their hands on me. Someone who is willing to wait to be intimate. Someone who respects getting to know me ...truly. someone I never tire of. I want a man that knows how to treat a good woman when he meets her. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am saying I envision myself becoming all that I can be, and I want a man who can be all that he can be.

Until then...

It felt like the biggest mistake of my life. The biggest regret. It felt as if the mirror into my life shattered into a million pieces and my heart stopped and turned ice cold. Though it was painful, and I wished it never happened, it was the mistake that made me. It transformed me. It helped me grow. The girl who was once a caterpillar, wrapped in her cocoon of darkness, finally emerged into a beautiful butterfly. Letting go was her hero when she was just the damsel in distress. The mistake of loving too hard made her realize that she had to protect her heart and cherish her love. She learned that self love was most important through it all. Loving herself and her life meant so much more than holding on to something that had already ran its course. She knew she had to let go. Through the process of grieving the loss of what was once love, she realized who she was and what she longed for. This mistake would no longer be considered a mistake or a regret because it taught her a valuable lesson. It made her HER. It helped her to see the beauty of life in the midst of the struggle and chaos. The mistake that made us; it’s the one that awakens your soul and allows you to see you for who you truly are. 

We play out each day as if we’ve got things all figured out. We plan our lives around certain things. We create agendas on a daily basis and try to live our lives according to the plans we’ve made. We tend to force love and happiness, but the earth has a way of giving you signs and showing you that there is something else in control. It’s a magical world. We can either sleepwalk through life, or we can follow the earth’s guidance and pay attention to things and fall into our fate. At the end of the day, fate is what wakes us up and allows us to truly feel and live. It’s the heartbeat of life. It’s the long journey to figuring out your purpose. It’s the song of the stars and the peace that we’re all searching for. So, listen a bit harder, feel a bit stronger and reach for fate as if our tomorrow is counting on it. 

She was afraid. Love made her very afraid. She gave her heart fully to someone once, and ever since that day, nothing has been the same. She feared that if she didn’t build up a wall to protect herself from drowning in misery and pain, then she would once again fall and almost die from letting someone too close. Letting someone in would mean being completely vulnerable again, showing them her strengths, weaknesses, dislikes, likes, fears and dreams... the last time she did, she lost herself in that person. She was afraid that if she gave any more love to someone, she would disappear from the earth. She had so much love to give, but it was all wrapped up in fear.  

She stayed awake until 4:30 in the morning, and suddenly she realized the reason she’d been losing sleep. Her internal clock stopped working after losing her soul. Everything she knew escaped from her one night. Her soul longed for a body that would capture it and take it in and love it. She could not do so because she was empty inside. Had she been empty because she lost her soul? It’s like she was searching for something to help her feel alive, all the while her soul was looking for a human to appreciate it. She sabotaged herself. The walls she built became so high, she wouldn’t know when and if she could ever break them down. Her heart had an iron cage around it. It made her numb, but at night she stayed up and cried. All she wanted was to feel alive again. What would make her feel alive again?

“Early bird gets the worm.” “Nice guys finish last.” “Quitters never win.” All these phrases we memorize are proof that life doesn’t play fair. Equality? What is that? The world we live in has no justice. We’re only here for a period of time before reality sinks in. This life you’ve created, this life we’ve created… it’s a figment of our imagination, or so I’d like to think. What really matters? Is it the monetary things, love, careers, spirituality, fame or people? Who knows? All I know is that when you want things to go the way you planned, life looks at you, laughs and then gives you the total opposite. We’re playing battleship with something bigger than us, and we’re not going to win. You gain wisdom, strength, knowledge and manpower, and you can still end up losing.

You think you know someone, until something occurs that makes you realize it was all a facade. That person you loved and envisioned a forever with ends up being the the devil cloaked in the sweet, sensual smell of cologne that lured you in during one of the first dates. He tricked you into believing he wasn’t like the rest. He made you feel loved. He held you up and placed you on a pedestal. That guy, the one you thought you knew…he’s a master deceiver. Love is blinding. It makes you believe you’re in a dream. It makes you forget that you’re your own person. Love. It’s being completely vulnerable, allowing someone to crush your heart into a million pieces if they wanted to. We all need clear vision before we step into the game of love. Don’t go into it blindly. It can eat you alive, or if you’re a lucky one…you’ll get everything you ever wished for out of it.