I lost my best friend when I was 14. She was the first person to ever call me beautiful or truly see me for who I was. The person I was before I met her was someone scared and deeply hurt by those around them. Love was confused with physical pain and sharp silence. She loved me so much and I couldn’t bear to let it sit in my body. The love I craved boiled me from the inside out until it poured onto her. My biggest regret is pushing her away, possibly even hurting her in the process. I was so scared of loving her. I was so scared of her loving me in the way I had always anticipated. Her warmth and genuine love for others was irreplaceable. It was a tenderness I sought from someone else and from myself my whole life. She was like looking up to the sky and realizing you can breathe in life without it suffocating you. She was the sun peeking through the leaves. I hadn’t realized at the time that I was pan so I had believed my feelings of possessiveness were natural towards anyone I called a friend. I had always been very affectionate towards my “close friend” of choice growing up. I didn’t realize that what I was feeling at the time was romantic attraction. I had been told same sex attraction was wrong but in my mind I had never cared about sex or gender. This applied to her too. Her embrace and the way she’d laugh at almost anything. A mistake was hardly a sad situation. She was and will forever be the most beautiful person in the world to me. I was in love with her and it took me 8 years since her passing to come to terms with my feelings. I wanted to touch her and communicate deeper feelings and I had denied myself the truth. She was religious or at least participated in church. This guilt ate me alive. It always will. I wonder what would have happened had I realized. I miss her so bad everyday. One day I hope to see her again and fall into her warm embrace again. The hugs I’ve received in her absence lack any emotion. I’m simply passing this life waiting to reconnect with the love of my life. I hope she knows I still love her, even if it was different from how she loved me.
