It was six years ago that I set off on my journey to study abroad. I’d lived away from home at university, but that was in the same city I went to High School in. I set off with my mom a little early for some time with family and adventure. 

I suppose it would have been around this time I’d would have been leaving for my masters program. With COVID taking over the world in early march, I tried to be practical and realistic. I pulled my applications, pursued another year in my job. It made sense- continue to save, wait and see what high ed institutions will look like. But as the memories pop up of me leaving for Scotland six years ago, I can’t help but feel disappointed. For one, I had been planning on being gone for so long, I still struggle to come to terms that I am not. Secondly, I miss the UK. 

But I am going to look at this year in as much of a positive mindset as I can.  In a few weeks I am moving into my own place. So, while I’ve lived with College Roommates, and roommates in my post college, this place will be all mine. (I’m not looking forward to the move in 100 degree heat, and the smoke from the fires but it is what it is).  I’m hoping this year I can also sort through in my head where I am going. Not just for grad school, but beyond. A lot of my life centers around the practicalities of getting the most logical degree, and pursuing jobs that can be stable and make sense. Jobs that I have liked, maybe even loved. But jobs I’m not sure I really want to do.. for awhile, let alone forever. I’m going to develop a better self care routine- sleep, eat, workout. I’m going to read more, get back to writing. And I’m going to budget with a fierce motivation of letting loose when I finally get to my masters program.

It’s been a long while. And a whole lot of life has happened in between. But I started this blog with a lack of timing, and that’s probably how it’ll continue (and by that I mean it will only probably continue).

Let me catch you up, let me do the “Here’s What Happened in the Last Episode” catch up for you.

I was studying abroad. That was really cool. I told you up until Paris- but then i spent a week in London, studied for another month or so in Scotland traveling around, visiting my grandmother in Manchester, and then spent a quick but awesome weekend in Dublin.  Have an assortment of photos and play guess where in the world is Cara...

I ended my semester with Christmas with my Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother, and then I flew home, where I promptly delivered presents to anyone and everyone in the nearest vicinity and slept for an entire day. 

After my study abroad I only had one semester of UOP to complete- but it wasn’t uneventful.  I became a geologist...

I ditched school to go hiking with Nicholas...

I spent Spring Break in San Diego with my bests!

Went on more school trips and graduated!

Then I did a whole bunch of camp lyfe things... Ropes and Rock Walls... Giant Beach Balls and Ziplines and Jesus. I wish I could tell you more or show you more, but it’s something I want you to experience.

Anyways- here’s a glimpse of what summer was.

I got an Internship working for a church in the East Bay which turned out to be an okay gig. Because now it’s a year later and I just got hired permanently full time. I fell in love with this job and the students I work with and this is only a fraction of the love and relationships I built here this last year...

I also did this weird thing where I went on vacation- twice! I managed to take a cruise to Jamaica, Cayman Islands and Conzumel in February with Kailin, and then visit James in Jax in July. Life should always have that much ocean and adventure.

(#bootyappreciationpicture)

And so I guess that gives you no emotion but 65% of the facts from the last almost two years of my life. Okay, maybe it’s 40% of my life. A lot has happened okay! 

Where is there to begin with my love for my "Fall Frenzy in Paris."

Okay, here it is- Over summer there was this crazy moment where almost half of the women's staff realized they were all studying abroad this year and we said.. "How crazy would it be if we all met up in Europe?"

We were met with a lot of "It'll never happen..."'s and "You won't"s.

Well, we did.

I stayed up way too late, and got up far too early for my train, then tram then flight, then RER, then Metro into Paris where Mollie is staying, but I did it and it was scary and French and I did it. I was a little nervous at first... after all, we had been apart as long as we had known each other. But as soon as everyone was reunited it was too amazing, we were just so happy to be together, and we had that some Christ-like Community that we had on the mountain.

Half of us cooked a chicken dinner together in a flat in Paris, and the other half (me and Lizzie) stood on the balcony and looked in, singing and talking. We had a bottle of wine, and broke bread together. It was bubbling with excitement and peaceful all at the same time. I know it doesn't make any sense.

  After that we headed into Bastille- YES THE BASTILLE. And we went into an "American Parisian Club," we had a drink, danced a bit, and then moved onto the next one, before deciding we just wanted to be together and headed home. Except we got distracted and bought Crepes at 1 AM instead. I ordered (in French) a Nutella, coconut, and almond crepe. IT WAS PERFECT. We took the Metro home, and all snuggled up in Mollies flat. We talked until ridiculous hour of the night.. which inevitably ended in a late start the next morning.

I woke up to Sam jumping up and down dancing to Mandisa's "Good Morning." I don't think there is a better way to wake up, really is there?

We went out and grabbed coffee at a café, and croissants from a boulangerie. I still don't think it had sunk in what we were doing...

After our morningish breakfast, we walked up through old Paris (I think) up to La Basilique du Sacré Cœur de Montmartre. We watched this incredible man juggle and spin a football on the edge of the wall. But then we went into the wonderful church. We walked around in awe, then we went into the sanctuary area, sat and prayed silently, then together. Apparently the French aren't as much of a fan of group prayer, they wanted us silent and tried to move us on. We were too giddy and happy to care and just walked down the steps, and headed straight for the next monument.

We stopped off at the Arc de Triomphe then we headed through town. My anticipation got higher and higher as we got closer to the Eiffel Tower. Everyone joked that I took too many photos of the Tower, but everywhere I turned there was an amazing view! When we got to the tower we shot the final part of our Hey Brother video. A very kind french couple shot the video. And then we had some fun of our own dancing to "Really Don't Care." There were lots of Parisian's with camera phone and pointing and laughing. 

After all that dancing we were starving, but we still wanted to hit some sights so we headed towards Notre Dame and sat in a small restaurant was beautiful called the Jardin du Notre Dame. We looked out on Notre Dame and it was perfectly beautiful. When we were done it was just before sunset and we went into Notre Dame. Mass was going on inside. It smelled like incense and the everyone was singing hymns in French.   Other than being shushed by french men (our second french church offense) it was a beautiful experience.

When we came out it was just after the sun had gone down and Paris was alight. It was incredible. We walked across some little bridge over to one of the islands in Paris. We ordered gelato from a small shop. It was delicious. I had grapefruit and rose water, with raspberry. We strolled along the river eating our gelato, until we got the the Locks of Love Bridge, where we took some group picutres. The bridge was incredibly beautiful in concept. From far away you could make out the masses of locks, lit up, over the reflection of it on the river. When we got closer, it was almost chaos. There were so many locks. And they even get cut off weekly! The individual locks were beautiful and had their own little dates, and stories (Some "Will you marry me?"'s some "Our love started here" and lots of different names and countries). Beautiful chaos.

It was getting a little chillier, and we were running a little low on energy so we headed back to Mollie's apartment for a thirty minute change of shoes and grab a jacket and a bottle of wine, before we headed back to the Eiffel Tower for some small groupy talk, catching up about what we have been up to while we have been abroad, and our post camp feelings. We sat a drank wine, prayed and shooed away men selling more wine and cigarettes. We also watched the Tower sparkle twice! After that we headed home to Mollie's and we all passed out.

The next morning we all got up and went to Hillsong Church Paris. They opened with Alive in French, followed by Oceans in English. I cried in joy and worship through both. The speaker was British, was funny, and insightful, and he gave us a lot to think about. It was nice to be with my church, experiencing a new church.

Some of us split after that, heading home, heading to meet other people, but me, Megan, Mollie, and Sierra all ate lunch nearby. We headed back to Mollie's to regroup and Sierra left. Mollie had homework to do, Megan was meeting a friend, and I headed off to the Louvre.  Now, my phone died so I have very little pictures of my stroll the museum, but I have to say just walking through the architecture of the surrounding palaces and the art throughout the Tuileries as the sun was setting was the best part. Everything was golden, ablaze in the setting sun. The carvings in the buildings seem more defined, and everyone is bustling around you. I got a little lost, got on the Metro again and headed back to Mollie's.  When Megan and Mollie both got back I cooked some dinner, we drank some wine, ate cookie butter and just talked for hours. 

The final day of my Highlands trip was an experience in itself (and really there was too much in the one trip to fit into one blog post) But we woke up and were off for about 930. We headed back towards Eilean Donan Castle, but this time in the daylight- a small coffee and amazing views was a perfect way to start the day.

We set off for a little longer of a drive, but not without first meeting a Highland Coo that we fondly named ferdinanda. We fed her an apple and then tried to pet her. She was so adorable dumb looking.

From there we made our way around the perimeter of Loch Ness, hearing spooky stories of how incredibly deep, vast and old Loch Ness is, and of Nessie herself. But we were all ready to get in there and find her. We stopped off at the Loch Ness store (I'm sure the one of many but there was Whisky and a statue of Nessie at this one!). We bought some liquid luck for the dive and took pictures by the Loch. Before Nory took us to a shore we sort of shameless stripped off and ran in!

I was a doof and left my change of lots of different articles of clothing on the bus so we all dried off and warmed up as quickly as we could and jumped onto the bus. We went to a battle ground where the clans of Scotland fought the British but I left my camera on the bus, so I took in the bloody history of Scotland and Sam and I explored the grounds looking for her clans burial site. From there we went to an ancient burial area called "Balnuaran of Clava." It seemed like giant were buried there. They were mysteriously beautiful and the people buried here must have been worth something for these types of mounds.

After this we headed into the woods. We made our way back towards Perth and took a really beautiful hike through the woods to the tallest tree in Scotland. I felt giddy in those woods. Maybe it felt like Mount Hermon, or even Big Sur, but it felt homey, and happy. When we got to the tree and elderly couple were there with their dogs (who stole our hearts) who informed us another tree had just overtaken this one as the tallest- so we had just hiked to the second tallest tree in Scotland (they didn't compare to the redwood glens or sequoias but I'm California spoiled). The woods and waterfall nearby were too beautiful to be disappointed though. I almost got lost because I wanted to stay forever.

After this we all went our separate ways. I got home and gushed to my flat mates about how amazing it was. Catherine and I walked to "Maccers" and I crashed. I didn't even shower or unpack. #healthylivin

Nory, our tour guide, was amazing. He told us all about the clan history, as well as the royal history of Scotland. He was an amazing story teller, we were all captured by what he was telling us.

We continued up to the highlands from there, stopping to see where Hagrid's hut was built (for HPPOA). Then we went to a trail where we hiked to one of Scotland's largest waterfalls. It was a beautiful hike, that had an incredible view at the end- and a wire bridge to play on when we got there.

After that we went to see the statue of Bonnie Prince Charlie. We went up a trail to a higher vantage point to look at the statue onlooking the loch. The view was incredible (and you might recognize the loch from the scene in HPPOA when Harry is riding Buckbeak across the Black Lake).

Conveniently, turning 180 degrees on that same vantage point was the Glenfinnan Viaduct.. Which is the first bridge created with poured cement rather than laid brick... But even cooler, It's the Harry Potter Express Bridge! (Which every photo happens to be photo bombed... MITCH)

It got dark soon after that, but luckily we only had one more stop before we made it to our hostel which was on Loch Karon. About 10 minutes from our Hostel was Eilean Donan Castle. It was magnificently and eerily lit up at night. The castle looked beautiful reflected in the loch, but as people walked it's perimeter, their shadows looked as if giants were walking among us- which with the Magical, Hobbit like scenery would not have surprised me.

At some point we had made a pit stop at Morrison's and bought groceries. We all chipped in to buy ingredients to make fajitas the first night at the hostel and spaghetti the next. When we arrived at the hostel I was blown away by the beautiful view, and the coziness of the home we had to ourselves.  Nory lit the fire, and strummed the guitar, while Mitch, Grace and I cooked dinner. Sophie set the table for the sixteen of us. And everyone else took their bags up to our rooms. It was so quaint and wonderful. The fajitas were beyond amazing. We have all agreed that we are going to cook together more often. (Thanksgiving plans have been made!)

After dinner people played card games and Mitch learned how to hula hoop. But after picking up the guitar and playing Matt Redman's 10,000 Reason's, Nory began to question me about my faith, and talk about his lack of faith. It was a scary, overwhelming, incredible conversation. Nory was interested to know why I, in his words, a confident young girl would need or believe in God. It was a mad moment of sitting there with a Scotsman, an Indian girl studying Medicine and me, from California, talking about God. 

After Nory went to bed I went for a walk and talked with God about His missional call for my life. I have always had a deep rooted desire to return to the UK, and I see a great need for ministry here. I spoke with God about whether this was Him confirming my desire, or even Him leading me more directly to Scotland. I walked to the end of the boat launch, and down the train tracks near the hostel singing songs of praise for the conversation. Be praying for God to continue to lead me in conversations, as well as where my future might be!

Not too long after that we headed upstairs to our room. Sam, Grace, Mitch and I all stayed up talking way too late. Embarrassingly giggling, playing with masks, playing pranks and talking too loudly. It was perfect.

The next morning we completely regretted the 2 am conversations. But we were on the bus for 830 and off to the Isle of Skye.

We stopped to look out on the Mountains named after a Irish Warrior, had a photo opp, then grabbed coffee in the next town. The bridge and mountains both had a story of a Viking princess, both stories were interesting, and had a hilarious twist that had us cackling with laughter.

A little bit further onto the Island, we stopped to look across the range of hills to an interesting rock formation called the Old Man of Storr. Legend has it that the Isle of Skye is the entrance to the faerie worlds.. One day a man saved a fairy from being trapped in a landslide, thus becoming best friends. When the man dies, the fairy began a tribute to the man which is the rock formation we looked upon.

We hiked a small- but very slippery- hill to get a better viewpoint. I didn't fall climbing down and have a muddy butt for the rest of the day. But if I did fall it would be down a beautiful waterfall hill.

Next we went to a cliff's edge that when you looked at the mountain behind it looked as though it was the pleats on a kilt. The mountain was incredible, but I couldn't help but focus and be taken by the blueness of the water of Skye, and the magnificent waterfall.

After that we went to the top of all those mountains we had been looking at. I'm not really sure what the name of the point we went to was, but I felt like I was on top of the world. We took pictures dangerously close to drop offs, and ate lunch in sprinkling rain, looking out of Skye.

After lunch, Nory took us to one of his favorite places- the entrance to the faerie world. This Faerie Glen was made of miniature mountains, small pathways to climb around, and magical swirl pathways that would allow you to see the fairies- My counter theory was that it's not tiny faerie mountains, but GIANT MOLE hills. Mitch climbed the mini mountains like they were Mount Everest, while the girls and I followed the paths and scaled the rocks. The Faerie Glen was magical seeming. I felt giddy, and spent a good amount of time running around chasing the sound of streams, and running up mini mountains.

After that we started to head back around the Isle, towards our hostel. On our way back we pass Dun Beag. It's an old run down structure, where people would have kept livestock and lived 900 years ago. I felt like we were in a castle in the sky. We also stopped and looked at the mountain range we had passed previously, the Three Sisters of Glencoe (but now we were on the other side- I took some lol pictures poking the top- I'm mature).

(I'm come on look at that.)

When we got back to the hostel, we were all set to go out onto Loch Karon for our fishing expedition with Fishman Neil. We went Scallop fishing. We interrupted the undisturbed water of the Loch and were breath taken by the views. Fisherman Neil put us to work dropping nets, and driving the boat. We hauled so much stuff and as we playfully sifted through the sea anemones and sea stars, we found so many scallops we actually threw most back! Fisherman Neil made us try them raw, then he cooked them up in butter and garlic inside his tiny boat. They were delicious.

That night we ate some delicious spaghetti that Nory cooked us, drank, and played card games, and played pranks on each other. At some point in the night Mitch and I decided we were going to go for a swim in Loch Ness. We challenged as many people to join us and soon there were 6 or 7 of us that would be jumping in the Loch.

It was perfect. The whole trip I kept thinking how happy I was and how I had never really been this happy before. I love Scotland.

Every week I have the title of the blog post of the week written on my planner. Yet, here we are... two or three weeks late- Let's play catch up!

I think the last time I wrote about what I have been up too, was the first weekend I got here. Oops...?

Since that first weekend that I have done a lot, so let's just go in chronological order.

I got to work in classes. Learning about camera angles, focus, brightness and contrast. And not in an Instagram filter way. I was proper filming interviews and meeting up with potential characters for my groups film.

That weekend I went to Edinburgh with Sophie and Elie. We met up at the train station early in the morning (too early for my poorly caffeinated head) and visited Edinburgh Castle, the Royal Mile, had a coffee and panini in a cute cafe, saw the Scott Monument and explored the nearby shops. 

I've been back to Edinburgh twice since then and I've really been playing the part of a film student.  My group and I decided that our two minute documentary would be about a cowboy street performer named Todd Various. Go ahead look him up, he's pretty stinking well known. We contacted him, met with him, filmed him, and now we are cutting together our footage into a three act structure. Our background music is banjo playing Scotland the Brave and I feel like that's my entire experience with that.

Edinburgh was great, film making is an experience I won't forget. But I want to get there again to sight see more. As well as get to Glasgow. But those are future plans!

After a week of filming and traveling I stuck around Stirling for a bit. Cooked dinner with my flatmates, made adorable daisy cupcakes, went for dinner with friends, saw Gone Girl, made the short walk up to Bridge of Allan for a small exploration, went to the smallest brewery in Scotland (The Allan Water Pub) with Mitch, and then had a birthday dinner and party for my flatmate Catherine.

In that week or so I was just happy going to my classes, happy coming home and cooking dinner, and happy to go out with my friends.

I was sitting in my kitchen talking about Halloween and then Christmas soon. We downloaded the Sleep's Till Christmas App- it read 70 sleeps until Christmas, I casually commented that meant less than 80 sleeps until I go home. I regretted the calculation immediately. I don't think I want to leave this place and these people soon, or even at all.

Those of you I work with, that I went or go to school with, or stumbled upon friendship with, will know.. I am slow to friendship. Not that I don't trust, or have fun, or love hanging out with people. I seriously do. It's the confidence I don't have to pursuit hanging out and going out.

And to be honest, I am quite proud of myself here in Scotland. I'm no extraordinaire by adventuring and exploring everyday. I often will mope, and excuse my way out of plans with new people. (I'm such a terrible pity party is disgusting). But this week I have an unfamiliar and almost proud feeling about myself.

Finding classes, and which buses to and not to take, and getting into town was rather fun and enjoyable. My classes are genuinely interesting. And Stirling is beautiful.

This weekend I explored Stirling Castle, the Holy Rude, went out with friends that night and then the next day climbed the Wallace Monument with friends.

Here in Scotland, I'm happy where I am, and with who I am.

It seems a first world problem to say that communicating and getting set up for school has been hard because of the lack of wifi I've had here in the UK. But here it, I'm using my first world excuse- Sorry I've been MIA, I've had no internet!

As blog posts go this will probably be the least inspiring or thoughtful one there is around. I'm mainly just gonna list and catch you (the very tiny population of you that read this) up on where I've been and what I've been doing without internet.

I left the states just a few short days after getting back from Ponderosa. It was something of a mad dash to do laundry, stay out of the heat and see as many people as I could..

But a 4 am me and mum made our way to San Francisco ready for some adventures!

And we arrived the next day... luggage and all in tow to my Nana's house in Wigan. It was raining. I had flip flops on.

Needless to say the next few days were simply spent seeing my Nana, and... sleeping.

We managed to venture out to liverpool, where we walked the high street where we saw a street zipline, go to the Beatles museum, and lots of art museums (which are pretty much all free over here!).

But then it was off to London! My aunt, her partner and her two sons, my cousins, live just outside of London. My mum hadn't seen her sister in 8 years, we were both excited and emotional!

I think London might have been my favorite place to be. Not only were we doing amazing things in an amazing city, we were also with family. I got to see my baby cousins not so baby anymore, mum was with her family, and we just had a laugh the whole time. Neither of us felt like we were done being there as we left.

We took a boat tour of London, went to the Royal Observatory, Cuty Sark, Westminster Abbey, Trafalgar Square, the London Dungeons, saw Billy Elliot and went to the WB Studios in Watford (Which will be a blog post of it's own).

After a quick stop back in Wigan (and a day trip to Manchester) we  rerouted to Durham (where we jumped over to York for the day). I've never seen my mum so happy as when she was surrounded by all her friends in Durham. I just sat back stunned at how beautiful the city I used to live in is.

We had a day in York, where I explored York Minster and the Shambles while mum went and visited her aunt. It was a lovely day of exploring, and seeing the greatness of God.

After Durham and York we headed back to Wigan where I said goodbye to mum (I did not cry). And after a few quality days it was off to Stirling, where the next adventure began!

As I write this I am sitting in Scott's Valley's Peets Coffee. I'm the perfect image of a hipster- sipping my coffee, blogging on my laptop as I tap my foot to the terrible jazz that is playing above. (No really, the jazz is SO bad.)

I've failed in a lot of ways this summer. The first and most obvious is this blog. For the zero people that read these posts, I'm sorry, I'll try to recap what I have been meaning to process with you on here:

Camp is fun. Camp is hard. My staff love me so well. The Lord is good, my cup overflows. When my cup runs dry, He is still poured out.

But I think I am about to fail. I am about to leave camp in just a few short days, but I don't feel done. The work that is being done in campers is so powerful. But the work that is being done in me and the work that is being done in this staff isn't over. My heart is breaking for those of us who are leaving this place still needing healing. I'm heartbroken for those of us who are going back to places where God is not evident or His people aren't there to carry us. 

BUT

Matthew 28:18-20 And then Jesus said to them, "All Authority on Heaven and on Earth has been given to Me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Spirit. And surely, I am with you, even to very end of the age."

I must remain in faith that my Lord is with me, and every single person that leaves this campsite until the very end of the age. And this ministry I have been a part of is never over, and never alone.

He will remain faithful in me, I will remain in Him.

(Now I'm sure this is rushed and unthought out, because my time off ends sooner than it begins, but I leave with the word Abide, Always being in divine embrace).

As of June 8th (or so) I have been in Santa Cruz. And I'll be here pretty much until I leave for Scotland at the end of August. It's friggin awesome.

Here in Santa Cruz I get to serve at this amazing camp on Mount Hermon called Ponderosa Lodge. We work with 6th graders all the way up to students that have just graduated high school.

At the moment we are still in training mode. And we don't have campers arrive until Sunday. But be praying for God to be preparing our students hearts for them coming up on Sunday, and the week they will be here!

Our summer is focused on 1 Peter 2:9-  "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

And that is our theme, that we are loved and chosen for this place of belonging (playing that out as a carnival), that we are in a closeness with God, made holy through Him, and CALLED to declare the magnificent work He is and has done (whether it be a lion tamer, or a pastor).

When I was called into this nation, or this carnival for God, he told me that I would be leading in youth ministry. I was overjoyed. I was blessed. I was scared.

Despite being chosen to be a part of this incredible and holy nation, and I walked away. I said that this was too much of a burden, and that I could never be good enough for this job God had given me. 

And in a sense I was right. I will always fall short of my calling.

But I ran away, and I was angry with God for a very long time.

But what I have come to realize. And what I am blessed and overjoyed to know is that God chose me to belong to this holy nation, because that is where He created me to belong. And that my call to lead students is not a burden or a servanthood that He has placed on me. But something He knows will bring me joy. That He set me apart to do.

This is by far something that I still struggle with. Living out my call and following where God leads me with a willing heart. 

So, as I shared this story tonight on video, I thought it valuable to share it also with you. That you may not believe what I believe. Or know God the way I get to know Him.

But you know me. And this is who I am.

(Redwood Camp, Mount Hermon, California)

For those of you that know me well, you know that I am Cara- girl of many (at many times unnecessary) words. I say to much, I explain the joke to people who understood, I tell you the story I told you last time we hung out. In fact, my roommates and I had a signal for the times we were telling a story that we had heard before.

My point is, I'm someone that's hard to silence. 

But this week I have been bed ridden, and voiceless. Because, well, apparently three or four a.m. nights and working with kids wears down at your immune system. And I kind of might have gotten an infection of some kind.

It hit hard. Real hard. (Also, I'm a terribly patient, and a huge baby.)

I resorted to a white board to express my thoughts, only listening to music (not singing along), and a lot of pouty naps because I couldn't do anything.

It wasn't just my insignificant comments that went missing, but expressing what was painful, and being able to ask for what I needed was taken away. 

I can't imagine being permanently silenced. By disease, another person, or my government. I honestly can't even imagine what I can do for those who are silenced. So, my prayer this week is one of gratitude for the voice that I have been given (even if it is a little rough this week- it is mine, and free). But it is also for those who are silenced around the world. That they are comforted by those who can speak for them, and that they know they are heard by God. And in the midst of that, that I take time to be silent, and attentive to the needs of those who silently cry out for help.

I've been thinking about joy a lot this week. Not particularly feeling it. But contemplating it. 

There's this picture I took of Sofie the other day, and looking at it just brings me so much joy. There's a handle bar mustache of carobsicle, and she's purely gleeful that she's sticky and outside. And her joy radiates from that picture and brings me joy.

When I am down I have an amazing support system that brings me back up. I have family, I have friends, I have friends that are like family. And they bring me so much joy. Through watching movies together, Skype calls, sharing funny pictures online, cooking together, cleaning together, complaining about school to each other, text messages and just sharing our walk in Christ together. And I don't think I express that gratitude for the joy that they give me. (I feel like I should sing ABBA here.. "thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy that YOU'RE bringing..)

With (American's) Mother's Day being tomorrow I have a gift, and a plan to show my mom tomorrow that I am grateful for her. But it got me thinking, I hope that the joy she alone brings me radiates into other people. I hope that gratitude for that joy isn't a one day greeting card.

And most of all I hope you can pass along something that brings you joy, in hopes that someone else will feel it too. 

Awhile ago I decided to really blog. To actually form words on page that weren't 160 characters or less. To process what I think and feel in the moments. And ya know, this is as Kardashianesque as my life gets (you know you're all gonna be hooked).

I say I decided to really blog awhile ago because.. well.. it was awhile ago. Because everyday I'll open up a blank post, and it will anticlimatic it's way closed. Because if I'm really going to do this I don't want to look back and think, "That's the first thing you wrote?" (I can see my future self shaking her head looking back at this confession already).

But really, though, how do I start this? Do I tell you who I am? Or do get to know me as I over share my uninteresting life? And if I do tell you who I am.. Where do I start? So, I guess I saw a series of questions that narrowed down a small portion of me that I could share in my first post. Cliche and cheesy, but personal enough that it could work.

Who are you?

I'm a twenty year old college student, with a passion for words, children and God... Who struggles to practice her passion for words, children and God. I'm the person in the room that laughs at her own jokes (though to be fair I laugh because they are so bad). I'm internet involved and adventure seeking. I'm a hopeless romantic- single-y romantic. I am a loyal friend and family member. I am Cara (Car-Uh).

Who were you 5 years ago?

Five years ago I was a clueless 15 year old high school who was desperate for acceptance, and compliments. I was a serial dater, a bank geek, and (still) a lover of words. Five years ago I was confused about my family, and a self-centered friend. Five years ago I was learning (and to be fair, I still am).

Who were you last year?

Last year I was happy. I found peace with God. I started new adventures. I learned to be on my own, and I learned to be in community. Last year, I was my own, becoming God's.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be on fire for God. I want to be a good friend. I want to be happy, and I want to be secure. I want to be an explorer, and I want to be driven. Now, I know that not all of those things may always be, but it's honest.