Halloween Trans Cryptid

Let’s take an example.

Thanks to the Class Backgrounds in Daggerfall, you find out that it wasn’t just Jaegar Tharn that had been plotting the Emperor’s Downfall– but most of the Imperial Battlemages, who were envious of Tharn’s success.

And in Oblivion, who do you face, but Warrior Mages

… Guess this means that most of the Imperial Legion Battlemages were actually Mythic Dawn.

any sluts out here want some tea? a fucking biscuit?

‘Tis I, Matthew Hopkins, infamous English witch-hunter, responsible for the deaths of between 230 and 400 people in the 17th century.

Y-yes, that will be fine.  As a Puritan, if I take tea at all, it is without sugar…

Seeming to have not alerted the witch, he chooses to take a subtle approach and coax the damning information out of her.

Matthew Hopkins’ eyes darken in fear, and his face goes ghastly white.  The Witchfinder General has found a witch for whom he is no match.  She evades even his most cunning inquiries with ease, and the brazen air with which she admits her heresy shows she fears neither man nor God.  He cannot win, and defeated, he relents.

Do you remember this classic Squidward moment:

I didn’t know if it existed and certainly never expected to see it

BUT BEHOLD

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS CANNED BREAD

I have no idea how this ended up in the Ohio food pantry I was volunteering at but they said I could have it

Now, this is marked as ready-to-serve, but there ARE instructions for heating up and even baking it. But of course we need to try multiple options to get more of the experience. Interestingly, the instructions SPECIFICALLY say to open BOTH ends of the can. You are also advised to use a spoon if the bread proves recalcitrant.

As the can opens, I begin to see why; it is clearly In There.

So regarding my first reactions, there is an… interesting aroma. Very rich, hauntingly familiar yet somehow foreign. Where HAVE I smelled that before…?

Oh well lets get it out!

The bread was indeed happy in its can and Not Having Any Of That with just the spoon, so I was forced to take extreme measures and run a knife along the inside. BEHOLD THE TOWER OF CANNED BREAD! On a positive note, the can lines make excellent cutting guides.

Time to taste! I admit to some hesitance. WHAT IS that smell?? It’s so FAMILIAR and yet makes me wary! I am getting flashes of old homestyle cooking and pioneer theme parks.

Oh right. Maybe I should check the ingredients list.

So it turns out this canned marvel consists of, among other things, mostly molasses and rye wheat. And baking soda! That’s right, friends, we are looking at a log of pure heftiness in terms of flavor profile. It is sweet and moist and yet somehow also savory and utterly drying. I immediately require cherry 7UP. My friends, I can confirm that if you like molasses, THERE IS DEFINITELY MOLASSES. The texture is very soft and, again, moist; if I had been presented a slice of this at a church benefit dinner, I would have called it some type of cake (then possibly politely nudged it to the side of my plate).

Now, research (aka my aunt googling it at the food pantry) suggests this is indeed one of those polarizing foods—if I remember correctly, one source predicted that you will either love it of have an instant hatred, and that it has been known to cause sharp family disagreements. I believe this to be accurate, as while I would not say I HATE it, I’m reluctant to eat the whole slice and can confidently place it on Weird Things To Try Only Once.

But that doesn’t matter, because this is FOR SCIENCE, and there are INSTRUCTIONS WE MUST FOLLOW

I’m unsure how splitting of the loaf (for lack of a better descriptor) would affect cooking times, and I do not have a toaster oven besides. So we will be popping this whole baby (minus one slice) in the oven and then trying it out with and without some cream cheese.

Mmm canned bread burrito.

I will be DELIGHTED if this crisps it up like a more traditional bready crust, but I am reserved in my hopes. Regardless, I shall report back later!

First, I have to say that the smell of bread baking apparently does ALWAYS smell good, regardless of the type of bread. My kitchen smelled lovely.

The molasses scent reasserted itself the instant I opened the tinfoil, but oh well. I grabbed my cream cheese and my apricot jelly and headed to my desk for the unveiling.

So first thing I noticed (besides the odor de molasses) is that it looks EXACTLY the same! Probably because of the tinfoil, or maybe this kind of bread just can’t form a crust, idk I am not a baker.

I then cut a plain slice, because again, for SCIENCE, we must try multiple avenues here. 

Verdict: It tasted… pretty much the same as before going in the oven? Very sweet/savory and moist and with that bitter rye flavor that some people like (I do not). But it was warmer, and that definitely had a positive effect. Most things that taste a little funny generally taste better at something other than room temperature, though. ESPECIALLY if it comes from a can. I ate one bite and did not feel compelled to experiment further down that road, so I just added the cream cheese spread (plain) to the piece and took my next bite.

Verdict: Okay! Now we’re getting somewhere! This is a nice balance - the sweet creaminess pairs well with the savory tones of the bread! I could finish a slice of this!

Now let’s add some jelly (apricot) on this bad boy:

Verdict: Nice! Nice! Refreshing balance! Ate two slices before rye aftertaste became too powerful. This is a very filling little bread, though, so I was satisfied. Overall River (that’s me) Rating: 5/10. To be fair to the bread, I am not a fan of rye OR molasses (or other bitter flavors, like coffee or dark chocolate). But to be fair to ME, my and my aunt’s google searches suggest that this food often forms Strong Opinions in both directions, but especially if you are from Massachusetts (possibly Boston specifically), which as far as I can tell is the only place in the whole U.S. that knows about and sells this stuff. They also eat it with beans and hotdogs—it actually says so under the heating instructions (which I missed, but I just ate spaghetti and do not want to open a whole can of beans, so some other brave non-MA soul can try that if they so desire.)

In conclusion: If you like strong, savory/sweet flavors like rye and/or molasses, you may enjoy this! I didn’t think it tasted particularly “canned” (although there were some flecks that MAY have been pieces of the can caught by my knife removal technique). It has a cakey texture that I did not find unpleasant. But if you dislike such flavors wholesale, or just feel an uncontrollable aversion to anything that bears the same shape as cranberry sauce freshly removed from the can, you may want to abstain.

[For Comparison:]

This was fun to try, though! Thank you for coming on this journey with me, and remember, don’t be afraid to try new things sometimes! =D As for the rest of the loaf, I have foiled it up again and plan to give it to my oldest brother, who historically likes rye AND molasses (and every single other food in the world EXCEPT, for some reason, marshmallows).

Bonus: Stormy finds the canned bread uninteresting. But she is a cat, so her opinion should always be taken with a grain of salt.

YOU are invited to celebrate the second annual Valen-tines day event: a day dedicated to our favorite protagonist of the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

WHEN: February 14, 2023

realistically, im just some guy. however i always tend to gravitate toward rogue for the skills.... gotta get that sweet sweet unarmed

it is quite possible that multiple people have made this point before since gamers love to pick apart lore and this isn’t hard to cross reference

it is also quite possible that i am such a language nerd that only i noticed this or bothered to think about it this much once i did notice it

anyway