Ew, it's Eugene

“Yesterday felt like it would never end

"As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes

the only song my soul can find to sing

is Hallelujah”

I’m less than two weeks out from my half-marathon, and my motivation is at an all-time low. There was a stretch of 17 days where I didn’t run at all. Running just seems like a chore and a bother to me. I’d rather be doing anything else, even bumming around. Somewhere along the road, I think I lost sight of the joy that running used to bring me.

I always see running with a sort of love-hate attitude. Sometimes, I love it, but most of the time I hate how much time it takes, how much of a hassle it is, and how boring it can be. College is tough, and I have classes to study for.

But for some reason, I can’t see myself ever dropping running. Even though there aren’t many people here at Northwestern who share even a mote of the same interest in running as I do, I think I’m stuck with running for life. It’s as I’m built to be a runner. Running has alleviated my stress and anxieties like no other sport has. The quiet, distraction-free space it provides has, at times, forced me to reflect on my life and, at others, come before the LORD in honest dialogue. It’s when I feel most connected to the friends I’m running with. And, to be honest, the motivation of competition keeps me from morphing into a huge bum sometimes.

I still feel aloof from the AAIV community, actually. I don’t know how many people I see at Focus I’ve actually gotten to talk to (past saying hello and making small talk). It seems to me like I’m still drifting around awkwardly after Focus, much like I did freshman year. Except now I’m more actively looking for people who are being left out of conversation, to make sure they feel welcomed. But wait a minute... I can’t seem to find anyone who looks like they’re being left out except for me. Maybe they leave too quickly for me to notice. But anyways, with all the junior guys ditching to play Team Fortress 2 or whatever, there are even less people who would be willing to talk to me at Focus. It doesn’t make me feel insecure, but it does make me uncomfortable and wonder why I’m so detached.

Poop.

2 weeks ago, I didn’t have an EECS lab, but I pulled all-nighter doing my physics problem set.

1 week ago, I finished most of my physics problem set, but I had to pull an all-nighter doing my EECS lab.

It’s been over a year since I’ve started journaling, and I must say that it has been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I used to be too lazy to journal, because writing takes so long and my hand would cramp up. But looking back on everything now, it has been worth it. I really am able to document my emotions, perceptions, thoughts, worries, and secrets at every point in time. I can look back on my struggles, on my growths, on my joys. In some things, I am able to see how God worked over time, in others, I still can’t. But it sure is nice to look back, since my memories and emotions fade so easily and quickly.

It has helped me to learn about myself. I definitely communicate thoughts in writing 10x better than I communicate them by mouth. Not that I am an elegant writer, but the way I structure thoughts when I speak just sucks.