6 years later.. i still come back to this website with the same questions for myself..

the sad part is nobody truly knows how miserable i am. in people’s eyes, i’m this girl who is always cracking jokes, dancing around, making silly faces, and never being serious. truly, and i mean truly, i.am.so.numb. i cry on the cold bathroom floor in the dark until i fall asleep. i scream into my pillow wishing to not wake up when the sun rises. wishing that all the pain, negativity, and suffering could just disappear. i hurt the ones i love because i am hurting. they think it’s me having an attitude when i’m really a walking time bomb. anything and everything can make me lash out and cry. i take things out on people who don’t deserve it and yet they still can’t see why. they don’t understand. they don’t know how fucking miserable and terrified i am. they blame themselves. they blame me. they blame my peers and environment. but nobody ever asks if i’m okay. nobody cares to check if im okay. but how can i blame them? i seem okay on the outside.. how can anyone sense that something is wrong? and if they ask... how can i possibly tell them what’s wrong when i don’t even know what’s wrong? I'm so fucked in the head. i can’t sleep. i can’t eat. i can't focus. i’m not living. I'm existing. 

i fear

note to self