discretions.

“Not that I don’t believe you, but why isn’t Fiona here? When did this– was this planned?”

“Dude, she’s mean as hell. Has it really been that long?”

“Her and Reed are with a client. Lots of babies being born right now and now that he’s finally back they’re taking up more business. We haven’t gone to the doctor yet or anything, that’s in a few weeks. I’m really happy. I’ve been wanting a kid for-- for a damn long time. And she’s not mean. C’mon-- I really love her. She’s gonna be the mother of my child. Your niece or nephew.”

“I get that I’m never gonna be as smart as you or as talented as you. You’ve made that clear our whole lives, so you should just let me have this one thing that actually makes me feel like I’m good at something. Some people might see my dedication to the craft and think it admirable.”

“Let’s not– let’s not go there right now. Quit saying it’s a thing. Haven’t you ever just hooked up with a dude before? No strings attached? I’ll just take everyone off the damn thing.”

“Look kid. I don’t want you to think I don’t support you, you’re my little brother, I just want to make sure you’re not out here damn near killing yourself. I’m hard on you because I love you, alright? Put yourself in my shoes, if I was in the hospital every few weeks and you had to answer the call wouldn’t you be freaking out? I’m sure your dedication to your craft is admirable. But would it kill you to wear some safety gear?”

“Why’s it matter how I know?”

“I want to make sure you’re not working against me. Tell me how you know and I’ll buy them a new mailbox.”

“Good. I practiced that a lot. It’s nice to know I haven’t lost that tone in my voice. I said not to give her the satisfaction of a response, I didn’t mean you needed an olive branch. You still can’t stand her, right? Because xerox machines can be a gateway.”

“No. No, no, not again. Wait– Jack? Why couldn’t you see me? Actually, don’t answer that. I’d rather it be him, but I hope he’d have enough sense to settle down and get married first. Like I said, kid’s too nice. He’ll end up strapped to some loud girl for the next 18 years because he didn’t know how to turn her down. Hate is an exaggeration.”

“Is that an olive branch? I dunno Cass I’m just trying to make the schoolyear go by a little smoother. We both had this student we really liked, she was in marching band and the mathletes and it made things a little easier. It doesn’t mean we’re going to be best friends, maybe it’s just an end to the feud.”

“Yeah, me too. Like I was definitely too young to be watching those shows but I was and I loved it. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were aspiring to be a 80s heartthrob turned VH1 reality guy.”

“Yeah, you probably were. I think my mother would have freaked if I would have been watching that shit. She barely let me watch The Simpsons. I mean it wasn’t like it was in my five year plan but whatever you know. At least I’m not out there trying to be Flavor Flav, right? You think I could pull off a clock?”

“Not really, anymore. Not to get all emo on you but we were when we were kids ‘cause he kinda took care of me. Let’s just say we lead very different lifestyles.”

“Am I allowed to ask?”

“Ok, not that trashy. VH1 trashy is the ultimate kind of trashy. You are not Bret Michaels and that is fine.”

“I kinda miss that. Damn, you say it’s fine but my feelings are a little hurt.”

“Fine, I won’t intervene, but I need you to replay all of what you just said and realize that you sound like one of your students. The real means to an end is to just throw in the towel, stop giving the bully the satisfaction.”

“He’d tell you if it were a thing though, so I can only assume it’s not. I kinda hope it’s not. Because if she’s taking advantage of him, I’ll– I’ll just let you guys make your own decisions. It was nice having Ryan around, I felt useful. So it’s nice to hear you say that too.”

“You’re terrifying when you get in that sister mode you know that? When you actually decide to show up and not avoid us like the plague that is. I know and I agree. I’m trying. I let her use my xerox machine.”

“I think it’s terrible, but whenever he’s not happy with me he definitely trades out Squirt for some less than nice words. That’s a hint.”

“Oh c’mon, that’s not a hint. That could mean anything. How mean are we talking here. Are you and your brother close?”

“You two were never actually a thing. Sure, you caught feelings fast and all, but retaliating against the guy months later? It doesn’t make you desirable in his eyes, makes you batshit crazy. You buy them a new mailbox, it’s a sign of maturity and civility. The next guy you meet, he’ll respect that.”

“Yes we were. I really liked him. I thought he really liked me. And he was good-- and he didn’t cheat on me. I don’t want to be desirable in his eyes anymore. I just wanted him to know he hurt me. You’re not answering my question. Did they call the cops?”

“I figured. Yeah, I think you might be too good for that show anyway. They’re like super trashy most of the time. That’s good.”

“How trashy are we talking here? I’ve seen Rock of Love. I really liked it. You think I could be a Bret Michaels type?”

“You just called me stupid like two seconds ago. Seriously, Jay, all these trust issues are pointless. We’re blood, we occupied the same womb. Different times, but y’know. Nah, nah, we’re not– we’re bros. But like bros who’ve seen each other naked more than normal bros.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t think you’re stupid. Not in that sense. I just think you do a lot of stupid things. I want to shake you sometimes. All the time, actually, but can you blame me. You do a lot of stupid things. I just want you to grow up, Kent. Bros who have seen each other naked more than normal bros. How often have you seen your uh-- other bros naked? Whatever way you put it, you two are a thing. I bet you if you really asked her, she’d have you put her down again. She cares about you getting hurt at least.”

“Fi as in Fiona? Mean as hell Fiona? She let you close enough to get her pregnant?”

“Oh my god.”

“Hey man, don’t call her that. She’s not mean as hell. She’s just abrasive. Plus we’ve been together for almost three years, what do you think it is we’re doing together.”

“Oh, I definitely shouldn’t have said that. I take it back.My brother calls me Squirt, when he’s being nice. I’ll give you that one.”

“Aw, Squirt’s not that bad. It’s kind of cute. I don’t have any siblings to give me anything like that. I’m kind of jealous. I don’t get any hints at anything else?”

“You dated him how long ago? And how many dates did you actually go on?”

“I don’t know. A few. Why does that matter. Are you really on his side right now? And how did you know about the mailbox?”

“The way you kept talking about her made it seem like she could put your job in jeopardy and if you’re too scared to go there, I will. Don’t worry what I’d do. Just say the word and I’ll do it. He doesn’t– that’s not a thing, is it? I thought they were just neighbors or something. Because no– he’s way too nice for that, he’ll get eaten alive. The more you talk, the more I feel the need to stick around more, and I can’t help but think you’re doing it on purpose.”

“It’s less that she’s just always been a huge pain in my ass. I think I’ve lucked out enough in the fact that the high school cares about the music program you know? So it’s not really her putting my job in jeopardy I just couldn’t stand her ass. She’s so damn smug just because she thinks her subject is real and music isn’t. Still, I don’t want you getting involved, next thing you know she’ll start talking about how I had to get my sister to fight my battles for me.”

“First and only time, ‘cause I meant it. It was organic, real deep. Damn, I ain’t actually stupid. Just ‘cause I can’t play the piano doesn’t mean I don’t know shit. Why’s that surprising? She said it was cuttin’ into her garage time.”

“I have a hard time believing anything that you claim to be sincere. I don’t think you’re stupid. Just an idiot. They’re not the same thing. I’m your older sister and you don’t even know what I do for a living. Well-- aren’t you two like a thing?”