I feel so weak. My chest hurts
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@everywhereyouturn
I feel so weak. My chest hurts

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Ive never felt so much pain in my chest before.
I wish i couldnr feel my heart trying to break free i van feel it it hurts it hurts wo mufj
My god my heart hurts. I can't breathe. I wish someone would notice. I wish someone in my family would just look and see Me and see past everything. I wish I could just tell them.
cw explicit suicide
Wow you really can google how to turn off the safety of a gun and it doesn't even give you the hotline. I can't believe I used to hate this stupid piece of steel.
Not today. I don't even know where the hiding place for the gun is, if it's hidden at all. For once in my life I'm so glad my older brother is still here.

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īšīšīš unsub profile : a criminal minds themed yanblr ask game īšīšīš
âī¸ ã you don't have to send one. but if you do, i'll understand you a little more completely. ã
â ãâļ Case File â Have you ever kept records on someone? Notes, screenshots, timestamps? How detailed were they?
â ãâļ UnSub â What's the darkest thing you've ever done in the name of love? The thing you don't tell people?
â ãâļ Victimology â What type of person catches your attention? Is there a pattern to the people you become obsessed with?
â ãâļ M.O. â How does your obsession typically start? Is there a consistent trigger, or does it vary each time?
â ãâļ Signature â What makes your obsession uniquely yours? The thing you do that no one else would think to do?
â ãâļ Crime Scene â Where do you watch them from? Online? In person? Through mutuals? Describe your vantage point.
â ãâļ Evidence â What do you keep? Screenshots, gifts, things they've left behind, things they never knew you took?
â ãâļ Profile â If someone were profiling you based on your obsession patterns, what would they conclude?
â ãâļ Witness â Has anyone ever noticed your obsession? Called you out? How did you respond?
â ãâļ Suspect â Have you ever been jealous of someone close to your darling? What did you do about it?
â ãâļ Interrogation â What question do you hope your darling never asks you? The one that would force you to lie?
â ãâļ Hostage Situation â Would you ever give your darling an ultimatum? "Stay or leave"? Have you?
â ãâļ Geographic Profile â How close do you need to be? Is proximity essential, or can you obsess from a distance?
â ãâļ Cold Case â Is there a past obsession you've never fully let go of? Someone you still check on, even now?
â ãâļ Accomplice â Do you involve others in your obsession, or is it entirely solitary? Have you ever had someone help you watch?
â ãâļ Forensics â What's the smallest detail you've ever noticed about someone? Something no one else would catch?
â ãâļ Red Flag â What behavior in yourself makes you pause? The thing that makes you think, "This might be too far"?
â ãâļ Safe House â If you could keep your darling somewhere no one else could reach them, would you? Describe it.
â ãâļ Missing Persons â When they're gone: offline, away, silent; how do you cope? What does the waiting feel like?
â ãâļ Confession â What's something you've never admitted about your obsession? Not to anyone. Not even fully to yourself.
And a few statements...
ËË âž Wheels Up â I'm thinking of you right now.
ËË âž Copy That â I understand you in a way that would frighten most people.
ËË âž White Rabbit â I followed you here. I'd follow you anywhere.
ËË âž UnSub of My Own Mind â You've become an obsession I can't profile my way out of.
ËË âž Let's Go â I would drop everything for you. Everything.
ËË âž BAU â You are only one that matters.
ËË âž Evidence Lockup â I've saved things from you that you don't know exist.
ËË âž Profile Me â You see me more clearly than anyone ever has.
cw vague suicide
cw explicit suicide
Isn't it so fun that song has an exact time and day haha wouldn't that be. Such a fun day and time đ hahahaha no I'm being serious. But honestly scheduling conflicts are such a bitch. It'd have to be two Saturdays from now. I actually have something to do tomorrow and I will be strapped down to a chair at 2:43. And next Saturday I won't even be home and I'm not dying on foreign soil in a hotel bathroom. But the Saturday after that...
My emotional survival
Depends on your arrival
Right hand on the Bible
Do you solemnly swear
That you'll keep our agreement
And meet me on the pavement
And come to my apartment
At the top of the stairs
Although I may be dying
My body may be lying
Taxis may be crying
In a chorus of cars
Reality receding
My heart no longer beating
My life will not be fleeting
When I'm out among the stars

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I need to slip back into psychosis just like I did back then. At least I was happy. Well not really. But I'd prefer that over this.
Hahahahahahahahaha mood swings are sofun. I like beijg bipolar soooooooooo much guys its so awesome. I also love the fact that I am fundamentally not a real person and I jnow I'm not because real people don't feel like this. They don't want to die and wake up in another place they don't want to break free from the chains of mortality and become something other they don't want to embrace their nastiness and make it part of them instead of pushing it away.
Is this it? Is this what "living" is supposed to be? I fucking hate it I hate being so disordered I hate being so disgusting I hate being so horrible I hate being so other I hate being so minor I hate being so forgotten I hate being so me. Twenty more doses of escapism here I come! I just need to keep reading I need to keep imagining that I'm somewhere else that I'm someone else that I actually have tact in someone else's life that my existence matters enough to cause worry that I am not human and still loved so sweetly for it.
But I suppose I've never felt like a person moreso like an entity inhabiting flesh. Like this body is merely a vessel and I Myself can break free from it and be what I truly am on the inside. This beating heart these breathing lungs this flowing blood none of them truly belong to me not really. This body is not my own. I'm just wearing the skin of someone long dead pretending to be her and just barely scraping by. The face I have stitched on doesn't belong to me it belongs to a girl who died when she was young and never came back.
What even is the point really. I don't do anything. I can't do anything. No matter how much they scream no matter how much I scream and beg and cry for this stupid vessel to move it just doesn't. People say I can be helped that it's not the end that it's worth it to see it through but have they ever considered that words alone don't help. I've tried therapy I've tried medication I've tried self regulation I've tried grounding I've tried everything I've tried it all the only thing that's helped me is being locked away with no access to the outside world. If only I could just go back but I know no one would let me. To them it was one and done I don't need to go back do that place anymore but to Me it's the only place I've felt alive.
A corpse is what I really am. I am a dead decaying corpse that people keep shocking back to life to watch it shake and stutter before dying again. Because that's what I always will be. I was in no mortal danger that night and yet I died anyway. And no one seems to care that they keep reanimating this corpse to hear the same song and dance to the same tune they claim to hate so much.
No one really knows me anymore. I don't know myself either. The amount of times people have told me they can't pin down my personality because I simply don't have one is maddening. Of course I don't have a personality I'm not even a real person. I'm just made up in the collective mind. I'm just someone to point fingers at and blame and yell at because there's nothing wrong with beating a corpse. Corpses don't feel. They don't think. They haven't been anything since the day they died.
It's cute that it thinks it has a choice at all
If only my pillows were him

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I wish your posts were about me
Watching him comes so easy to me. I can barely sleep because all I want to do is Watch him. Everything else is secondary.