'Vicit omnia Veritas'

"are you just a little bit angry with me carla?" please be angry with me carla. please hold me accountable. please tell me it was all my fault. because wasn't it? i made a deal with your brother. i promised him freedom. i cheated him out of a vital organ. i reneged on our deal. i made him angry. i got cocky and let my guard down. i put you in danger. put myself in harm's way. he could have killed me, could have killed you. you could have killed him. you could have killed your own brother. because of me. so please. please be angry with me because i'm not angry at myself. i need you to hold me accountable, i need you to yell to cry to tell me i fucked up because how can i look you in the eye knowing i'd do it all again, not a shred of remorse, not a shred of guilt? (because i'm all grief and i'm all guilt but i refuse to regret this). how do i look at you knowing i'd put you through the pain the trauma the fear over and over? (because i have you here with me in my arms). i need you to be my conscience because now i know what i'm capable of doing. for you. to you. to keep you alive. to keep you safe. to keep you with me. and i hate myself for that so i need you to hate me for it too.