Everydayitgirldiary

Isn’t this exactly what I’ve wanted?

It is, for him to be more open with me and communicating with me,

So why am I shutting down?

What’s wrong with me???

Why can’t I go back to just yapping away,

You know the feeling

You’re achieving in one area of your life

Feel like you’re failing in another

Trying to keep up with yourself

But how do you actually keep up with yourself?

And all I can think is how I wish your body was next to mine,

To wake up curled in your arms,

And your breath on my neck,

It’s the simple things I long for,

No grand gestures needed,

Just your arms holding me,

The one with a wild temper,

With rude expressions,

Who’s lashes out,

Is that me?

Then why can’t I see that?

That was me…

But now,

I’m kind,

And loving,

I’ve dropped the ego,

And picked up love,

I’ve grown from those immature ways,

I’ve healed from the pain you’ve caused,

Or more so, I’m still healing,

Will these scars ever fade,

Or will I just carry them as a reminder from the past,

Will they help me be the best version of myself for myself?

I can’t help but cry for the little girl who raised herself,

Or for the teenager, that saw exactly who you were,

Or the young adult who continued to let you treat me like that,

But now it’s as though I’ve woken up,

I see it,

Is it a cruel joke that my personal life and work life are polar opposites?

At home there’s no ac, and I’m a stepchild

At work I am the star of the show,

At home there is no acknowledgment,

At work I am praised for everything I do,

At home they laugh at me and my “failures”,

At work they congratulate me for my hard work,

Is this the crash out of all crash outs?

Spending 12+ hours at “the happiest place on earth” all by yourself

But what if I’m gaslighting myself,

I’m not,

You lied,

Twice,

If you don’t like me anymore,

Then just say that,

Instead I feel confused,

Like I’m bugging you,

I’ll just pull back my energy,

Because I want to be a better version of me,

I’m putting in the work,

Looking at the reflection,

Knowing I would’ve acted one way,

And now thinking before making it about me,

It’s not always about me,

That’s why it’s we, us, together,

Without you there is none of this,

But it’s also not always about you,

I don’t live my life for you,

You make it better,

I love you,

More than you love me,

I require more,

And I want to give more,

Unfortunately for me,

I’m overflowing with love,

And no one wants it,

Unfortunately for me,

We might not ever be,

If you’re meant for me then you will stay,

I’d be lying if I didn’t hope for you to be mine,

To hold me,

Love me,

Protect me,

Live life with me,

Let me love you,

Be there for you,

Run into your arms,

Be your number one fan,

Support your dreams like you do mine,

Oh how I love you so,

In my heart I know you love me too,

But only time will tell,

The healing that happens,

Seeing a high school crush,

Ten plus years later,

Realizing it would have never worked,

Because you’re a big dreamer,

And they’re just small town folk,

Not that there’s anything wrong with that,

But when you dream big,

You really need someone that’s on your side,

Someone who won’t find your ideas too wild,

Someone who will feed into your delusions,

Someone who has your back,

Someone who loves you through all the ups and downs,

Not someone that’s afraid of change,

Or afraid of growing,

Afraid of dreams coming true,

You make money,

Have sex,

Drink alcohol,

Dabble in drugs,

Pay bills,

Go to work,

Daddy won’t always be there to take care of things,

So when you can go on and do it yourself,

It was a long seven months,

I tried to leave you in the past,

But here you are,

And yet again I still love you more,

I try not to be so available,

But it’s true the plans I made before I knew you’d be here again,

And yet here I am still waiting for you,