How to Help a Friend with BPD
1. If we ask you if you’re mad at us, or if you’re still friends with us, please realize that it is NOT a reflection of you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Our illness is constantly telling us you’ll leave us, or that you see us as burdens. Sometimes we need to hear confirmation from you to ease our anxiety. So please, please don’t be upset with us.
2. Recognize that it’s hard for us to maintain contact with others, even our best friends. Again, our illnesses tell us that if you really want to spend time with us, you’ll ask us. We’re terrified that you just hang out with us out of pity. So when you text us first or ask us to hang out first, that’s proof to us that you actually want to see us.
3. Text us every once in a while. Little gestures like that remind us that you still consider us your friends. And receiving a message like that, even if it’s something simple like a silly anecdote, really makes our day.
4. Understand that our mood swings are very difficult to manage. Even when we know it doesn’t logically make sense for us to be depressed/anxious/angry/etc about something, we can’t control our emotions, no matter how hard we try. Trying to use logic to show that our emotions are irrational doesn’t help. So be patient with us, while recognizing that you aren’t responsible for managing our emotions.
5. Sometimes we decide to take breaks from drinking, so please keep that in mind before asking us to drink. Alcohol can worsen our symptoms if we drink too much, especially when we relapse. I only drink if I feel it’s safe for me to do so. But sometimes I won’t drink for months because I’m not doing well and I know alcohol will only make it worse. If I tell you I’m not drinking for personal reasons because I’m struggling with my illness, please don’t forget that and definitely don’t pressure me.
6. Help us set boundaries with you. Sometimes I’ll be clingy and want your attention all the time. Other times I’ll be distant and need space from everyone. These changes might be confusing for you because they happen without reason. Be honest with us and let us know if we’re too far on either extreme.
7. For reasons I don’t completely understand, a lot of us with BPD hate being touched. This is also true for some survivors of sexual assault or abuse, and a lot of people with BPD have been sexually assaulted or abused before. Ask us if it’s okay for you to put your arm around us or hug us, especially when we’re in distress.
8. If you’re making plans with mutual friends of ours but aren’t inviting us, please don’t talk about these plans in front of us. It may well be that you aren’t inviting us because we’re busy and can’t make it anyway, or you know we won’t enjoy the outing (for example, if you’re going to hike and we hate exercise of any kind). However, if you’re getting a group together of people we know and could hang out with, we’ll feel especially isolated when we aren’t invited. We’re constantly looking for signs that our friends will abandon us, or don’t want us around, or secretly hate us. We’ll wonder why we weren’t invited, and this is especially triggering for us.
9. If we text you something that warrants a response (like a question or a personal issue), please do your best to text us back as soon as you can. When a friend doesn’t reply, especially a friend who frequently checks their phone, I interpret this as evidence that I’m worthless to them. It may well be that they’re busy, or that they didn’t receive the message, or that they just forgot to respond. Again, though I recognize that these are the most likely scenarios, I can’t stop myself from feeling this is a sign that she’s going to abandon me.
10. Not everyone with BPD will act out (like accusing you of abandoning us or starting an argument) or use manipulating behaviors, but some of us do. And we feel extremely bad about this. Right after we start an argument, we spiral into self-loathing about it. We know that acting out is bad. We don’t actually want to hurt or manipulate you. We struggle with our overwhelming emotions and while we can’t suppress these emotions, with help we CAN learn to express and manage them in healthy ways. And again, not everyone with BPD will act out. There are mentally healthy people who manipulate others and feel perfectly fine in doing so, and there are mentally ill people who act out under extreme distress, feel immensely guilty about it, and do what they can to stop these behaviors.
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