The Goblin

*white knuckling my way through the dishes with a thousand yard stare* never puppy bores... do my puppy chores... never puppy bores... do my puppy chores... never puppy bores... do my puppy chores...

I would love to hear that story for the third time actually. Yeah, you have already told me that, but it makes you smile every time, so I'm happy to hear it again. I don't mind having the same conversation with you, because it's a good one, and I like talking to you.

the problem with liking video games is that the gaming industry is genuinely so evil and needs to be wiped out

autism coded behavior is when you're a kid and you're horrifically grieved when you realize how fucking cruel and unfair the world is and everybody laughs at you because of course the world is cruel and unfair by human design, that's just the way the world works kiddo! and you say "but it shouldn't" and they laugh at you more.

they should invent a way to have chronic pain that is neither chronic nor painful

Working at a sex shop has ruined me because I was checking out a booth at a public market selling bone-shaped collar tags that said shit like “I’m lost” and “pet me” and “spoiled” and it wasn’t until I saw “I pee when I’m excited” and thought damn okay kind of hardcore that it even occurred to me that they could be for like. ACTUAL dog collars 😭😭😭

I’m putting in my too weak notice.

it would suck being a new immortal. like it’d be 2109 and people would go, “what was it like seeing ancient civilizations rise and fall like that? seeing the pyramids being built? watching the expansion and growth of the new world?” and i’d just be like, “no…no i was born in 1991. so like, wow i’m gonna see some cool stuff, but, i mean i’m not that much older than just a really, really old person, you know? phones were big back then. so big. but only for like ten years, then they got like, as good as they are now. uh. rhinos existed. don’t think i ever saw one in person. cool, good talk.”

even worse, imagine being an immortal who keeps missing stuff. “What was it like seeing the pyramids being built?” “Fuck if I know, I was in Madagascar.” “Oh, okay. Well, how was the Renaissance?” “I fell down a hole in Scotland and people thought I was an enchanted well for four hundred years, it was over by the time I convinced someone to get me out.”

It’s been a decade since we left that comment and you have the best reply anyone’s left to it.

if eating three balanced meals a day at regular times makes you gain weight then maybe you were meant to gain weight