Warnings— angst, that’s about it! And I did not proofread lol
a/n— I’ve wanted to write for Barba for so long and this popped in my head tonight so I hope it’s good, it’s my first Barba x reader!!
“I’ve got donuts!” You chirped as you strolled into the station, holding the box of donuts up high for everyone to see, though blocking your own view momentarily. Thankfully, you knew your way around well enough that you maneuvered your way to your desk, still holding the box in front of you waiting for someone, anyone, to say something about the donuts— but when no one did, you finally lowered to box to see Amanda, Sony, Olivia… and Rafael staring at you.
Your heart nearly stopped. It had been nearly 3 years since Rafael had left. Left the squad. Left town. Left you.
No call. No text. No nothing. After a nasty case that left everyone confused and devastated, you arrived home to the apartment you had shared with your long time boyfriend, Rafael Barba, for all of his belongings to be gone. Nothing of his left, but a note.
You were left broken beyond what you thought could ever be repaired. It took a lot of time, a lot of therapy, a lot of “self love” and time off for you to even come close to healing from that. You still weren’t completely healed. You were just on the mend, finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel, thinking that maybe things could be okay again. You were finally finding love towards your job again after spending the last three years being so angry and taking that anger out on every perp you could. Olivia knew what you were going through, thankfully doing her best to hold you together knowing you had no one else to do it for you. She never fired you when you were out of place, she never judged you when you blew up at anyone who looked at you wrong, no, she simply turned you in the direction she knew you needed to go.
And now, the moment your eyes landed on Rafael’s, they quickly diverted from his and found Olivia’s.
You swallowed hard, feeling uncomfortable with everyone’s eyes on you and the way silence filled the room. You dropped the box of donuts harshly on your desk and cleared your throat, running your hand through your hair, something you did often when nervous.
“Um, I can’t… this isn’t..” you stuttered, shaking your head, “I’m not doing this here.” You stated, turning and making your way into the break room, away from the wandering eyes, knowing Rafael would follow you.
The air felt thick around you, your skin hot and wet. You almost didn’t want to believe he was really here, that this was really happening. Why? Why now? After all this time? After all these years you had to spend healing the parts of you that he broke? Why now?
You felt the presence as someone entered the room, and it was all too familiar even after three years. Your ps were currently pressed against the counter, your body hunched forward.
“Close the door, please.” You demanded, quietly. You knew you weren’t going to be able to keep your temper under control when the two of you begin talking, and the others really don’t need to hear your dirty laundry.
You listen as he obliges, the door latching giving you the okay to push yourself away from the counter. You still couldn’t bring yourself to face him yet, so there you stood tall, facing away from him, staring at the white kitchen cabinets in the break room filled with only the presence of yourself and the man who was at one point the absolute love of your life.
It was dead silent, as if both of you were terrified to speak first. Or maybe neither of you knew the right thing to say. All you did know was you weren’t going to be the first to speak, and he had no right to make you.
“Can you turn to me?” His voice finally filled the room, filled your ears. “Please?” It was so soft, and still so beautiful, if you weren’t so pissed off at him, you probably wouldn’t buckled there.
“I don’t know if I can face you.” You admitted in a shaky whisper, you weren’t sure if he even heard.
“I know you’re angry, but if you would just listen—“
“Angry?” You cut him off, whipping yourself around so quick that he wasn’t expecting it and took a few steps back out of surprise. “No. I’m not angry, Rafael. I’m furious. I’m livid. I could kill you if it wasn’t illegal and I didn’t love my job.”
You stepped towards him with every one of your words, now chest to chest with him. Your noses were nearly touching as you stared up at him and he down at you, a look of pure despise mixed with betrayal in your eyes.
You stayed like this for a moment, almost threatening him to move away from you. When he didn’t, you finally backed off and put space between you, shaking your head at him.
“I know that I’ve hurt you y/n.” He states, his eyes remaining on you.
“You left me.” Your voice nearly squeaks in reply, causing Rafael to flinch slightly. “I would’ve done anything for you, Rafi, and you left me.”
“I had no choice!” He finally raises his voice, a hint of his own hurt showing. “I couldn’t make you give up the job that you worked so damn hard for all because I did what I did? I wasn’t going to make you pack up your life and come with me all because of a screwed up case! Don’t you get any of that? I was trying to spare you. I was trying to give you another chance at this beautiful life you built. I wasn’t going to make you follow me. I would never do that to you. Not because of my poor choices.”
You stared at him for a moment in disbelief, as if the last nearly decade you guys had spent together he truly had never heard a word you had ever said to him. Yes, you could see he was looking at your best interest, but he failed, miserably, at seeing what YOU would have wanted. What YOU would have thought was best.
“I would have gave up my entire life for you. My career, my home? Those are just things to me. You knew this.” You spoke slowly and clearly to him, making sure he understood you. “There was nothing else in this world I wanted more than to be with you, wherever you were, wherever you would go. I would have been there.” Your eyes stared directly into his, holding contact for a moment while he thought over what you just said. “But you took that choice from me when you left me here.”
Turning away from him now, you took a deep breath almost feeling free, finally getting that off your chest to him. He took that choice from you. He thought he knew what was best for you, and that’s what really hurt.
“And you didn’t even give me the courtesy of a phone call or… or a goddamn text message.” You laughed harshly. “No, I got to find out from a note Rafi! A note, and all your shit gone from our apartment! But hey, thanks for paying the rest of that year’s rent. You really did me a favor there.” You sarcastically joked, rolling your eyes.
All Rafael could do was stand there, thinking over your words again and again. He really did think he was doing what was best for you. That’s all he wanted, what was best for you. He didn’t want to make you pick your entire life up for him.
“I’m sorry y/n. I only wanted what was best for you. I didn’t think you—“
“No, you didn’t.” You cut him off, nodding in agreement. “You’re right. You didn’t think.”
He just stares at you, his mouth opening to say something but quickly closing on second thought.
You both now, once again, just stares each other down, neither daring to break eye contact. Though, his stare at you is filled with sincerity and warmth while your stare at him is still filled with anger and coldness.
“Do you know what I had to do to pick myself back up from that?” You once again break the silence, referring to his leaving. His eyes quickly meet the floor, almost scared to find out what his disappearance in your life had done to you. “I was in therapy FOUR DAYS a week with Olivia’s freaking shrink for months. Then it was three days a week. Now I’m finally at two days a week so, we’re making progress huh? I was on desk duty for a year because I would beat the living shit out of every perpetrator I could get my hands on. I had like.. four different lawsuits on my hands that, thank god for Olivia and the rest of my squad, they got me out of. I lost a partner to a bullet because my mind was on YOU. I lost the privilege to talk to victims for a year because my mind was on YOU.” His eyes remained on the floor as you flooded him with everything he had caused you to go through. “You left a hole in me, so big, that even three years later Rafi, I’m still working on filling it. All because I would have went with you.”
His words take you back, nearly making you trip over your own feet as you process what the hell he just said. You stare at him, your eyebrows pushed together, questioning if you heard him right. Surely, he didn’t just say that now, after all this, after all this time.
“What?” You whisper, deciding you need to hear him say it again to confirm it.
Rafael pushes himself a few steps towards you now, maybe a foot between the two of you, and looks down at you carefully, and gently repeats himself. “So, come with me now.”
Your mouth drops open in awe, and not the good kind.
“Are you kidding me? Why now? Why now and not then?!” You raise your voice again, feeling the anger once again rise, though he quickly grabs either side of your arms and gives them a small squeeze.
“Please. Just listen to me.” You want to object but instead, you sigh and allow him to continue. “I realize now how wrong I was for not giving you the choice. Y/n, leaving you was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. A mistake I have been dwelling on since the day I left. But I needed to hear you say, from your own mouth, your own words, that you would’ve came with me. I would’ve never forgiven myself if I forced you to come and you hated it. Please understand that.” You slowly relax at his words, in his touch, feeling slightly more confident that he truly meant well by his actions, though they still weren’t okay. “There’s nothing I love more in this world than you. There’s nothing I want more in this world than you by my side wherever I go. And if you still want that, so do I.”
He lets his jabs gently run up and down your arms, in a familiar way he used to years before, and God it felt so good. Your eyes flutter shut as you replay his words in your mind, your stomach turning in all which ways making you almost nauseous. You’re not ever sure how to feel at this point, you don’t even know what to say or how to respond.
Maybe it was instinct, or maybe it was just so natural, but you found yourself leaning into him and allowing him to hold you. He was careful not to overstep any boundaries you may have put up, only holding onto the sides of your arms and allowing you to rest into him as you pleased, your head lying against his chest. You felt his chin finally rest on the top of your head after some moments, like he wasn’t sure if you’d allow him to or not.
Here, like this, you guys stayed for some minutes in silent. You had no idea what to do, or what to feel. All you did know was in this moment, it was the most whole you have felt in three years, since before the day Rafael left you. It might seem silly, or cheesy or cliche, but you really would have given up your entire life for this man. He was your everything. He treated you with the utmost respect, kindness, love, he treasured you. You guys had a good thing going. And you had no one else. Sure, you had your squad and they were the closest to a “family” you were going to get, but Rafael was the one.
“I have to get going mi amor.” Rafael finally pulls himself away, your heart skipping a beat at his use of Spanish, something you haven’t heard in so long and god, something you have missed. He looks down at you, you quickly squeeze your eyes shut to hold back the tears that suddenly tried to push themselves out, then blink a few times before looking up and meeting his eyes. “There’s that case, with the veteran and his daughter, Nydia.” You nod, knowing which he’s talking about before realizing he must be going against Carisi. Rafael notices your realization and a small smirk grows on his lips. “Yeah” he confirms. You clear your throat and nod. “We can talk later, if that’s okay?”
You nod again as he back away towards the door, watching him carefully but staying where you are.
He stops before he leaves and looks back at you one last time, meeting your eyes, “just think about it, okay?”
