shuri

“I stopped going to therapy because I knew my therapist was right and I wanted to keep being wrong. I wanted to keep my bad habits like charms on a bracelet. I did not want to be brave. I think I like my brain best in a bar fight with my heart. I think I like myself a little broken. I’m ok if that makes me less loved. I like poetry better than therapy anyway. The poems never judge me for healing wrong.”

It’s been however long since Endgame and I’m not over it. The scene today just rubs salt in a still-open wound. Tony is a character I’ve loved for eleven years. I fell in love with him at first sight. I live and breathe movies, tv, entertainment, and he’s my number one. He’s my favorite character of all time. He’s been an essential part of my life for what feels like forever. Sometimes I feel insane, and I know people who aren’t this invested think I’m insane, but I don’t think I’ll ever quite get over losing him. It just feels like an injury I’m going to have to get used to and live with. He’s a source of inspiration, he was a source of happiness, and I just love him so much. He was real to me. He still is, despite what they did. I can’t let go. They tainted all the films I used to love so much. They eradicated any possibility I’d be invested in this universe, by ripping out its beating heart. It feels like one horrible decision has taken so damn much.

me, opening my word document: well, I better get to writing!