The Eunhae Code

A lot has happened in the last two years. My depression has mostly healed. I was seeing a therapist and on meds for a bit. I meditated, prayed and spent so much time with myself. Forgiveness took a large part of everything. I needed to forgive myself for my mistakes.

This blog was my home for the longest and officially, I will never return. This place was a coping mechanism for me, my heartache and loneliness was filled with the messages from everyone and I felt part of a wonderful community. And it’s time for me to move on and build new memories. I’m no longer that sad teenager crying herself to sleep. I’ll be leaving Tumblr entirely, as will this blog eventually by next year. My entire account will be deleted as I step forward to new and exciting things.

I wasn’t sure if I would return to say this, but for those that followed me from Asianfanfics (which will also be deleted by Jan 2023), you know how much I’ve been through, endured and overcame and this just felt right to tell you all.

Wanted to update again. I am still here. My depression has become worse. I’m barely focusing at work and all of the plans I had several months ago fell apart. I haven’t moved out nor found a better job. My bank account is non-existent from trying to find material ways to cheer myself up. The heartbreak hit me like a landslide. I can’t find my joy anymore.

I am burnt out and I mean that in the worst of ways. I’m struggling. Every day is harder than the last. My motivation is gone. All I want to do is curl into a ball, hide under my blankets and never come into human contact again. I want to live in seclusion. I’m not sure how long I can take any of this before I pack up and go full nomad.

This will be my last post. I thought I would have the strength to return, but now I know I need to be alone. I need to cry, scream and grieve and stop putting on this happy front. I came out a little more emotional than everyone else and I need to fully accept that I may never be happy.

In case anyone is wondering why I’m M.I.A, last year I went through a tough breakup. I fell in love for the first time and as the saying goes, “first loves never last”. I applied to over 200+ jobs and got turned down from every single one. I spiraled back into depression, family problems became unbearable and overall, gave up. I thought that was it. I was meant to stay broken.

Then a job I never heard of, reached out to me right before Christmas. They interviewed me several times and I started the other day. I created a budget for myself, starting to save bit by bit, I’m on the path to getting my own place and becoming more independent. I’ve ever started on the path to owning my own house.

I’m nowhere near the happiness I had achieved a year ago and it’s left a growing void. Hopefully I can find that person within me again. But for now I’ll continue taking a break from here as I focus on my mental and physical health. Please support each other!

What do you think about what Eunhyuk said?

Ello anon~

Happy New Years 2021!!!

I wish everyone the best of health and happiness. Truly. If you feel like you’re struggling or have been this entire time, please remember the small joys in life. The smell of freshly cut grass, the first step of fallen snow, the smell of flowers in the rain, the clouds forming different shapes. Please hold onto those emotions and the small joy it brings you.

I am always here for you. Always. You can contact me privately or send a message. My hope is that I can bring you comfort even for a second. I am thankful all of you have been here with me since I was a teenager writing about my love for eunhae and now I’m a starry-eyed adult searching for my own love.

Ello anon~

It’s not disrespectful, it’s an observation you made. Donghae has always been part of the church alongside Siwon. I’m guessing it’s what brought them closer and gave Donghae the solace he needed when his father passed.

Now disclaimer for those who might be offended by my words, I am trying to keep my statements as neutral as possible.

Most religious groups do not accept LGBTQ+. There are texts that state so (or at least what they are taught in these groups). There were also statements Siwon himself made when they were younger being against these LGBTQ+. He has since retracted them, but it gives you an idea of the headspace he was in at the time having been raised by an extremely religious father who is also homophobic.

Ello anon~

There’s nothing wrong with that at all. You found something that interested you, but I agree. If it becomes too much try and separate yourself for a bit. I have symptoms of OCD and one of my obsessions is that I tend to heavily fixate on what makes me happy/excited. I’ve found that what helps me the most is to stop watching videos for a few months then come back to it.

Ello anon~!

Donghae and Sandara are actually good friends. Because of this chemistry, for years people have shipped them. Same with Donghae and Yoona, also good friends. There really isn’t any deeper history. Just rumors that in the past Yoona and Donghae dated when they were teenagers and also rumors about Donghae and Sandara. Again, all without actual proof. A man and a woman exist in the same space and people ship them.

This happens to Donghae often. Even when he filmed “Hedgehog and Panda”, people shipped him with his co-star Yoon Seung Ah because of several photos they took together. It was even more hilarious to find out she had a boyfriend the entire time who is now her husband.

Hai anon~

If a question is inappropriate I will not answer it and it will be deleted. It’s a matter of respect towards Donghae and Hyukjae.

Do not ask me about their “intimacy”, do not ask me for “sexual” moments.

Ello anon~

Ello anon~

Thank you 🖤

Ello anon~