( &. ✦ HOW CAN I SAY )

he’s ignited, a low blue flame burns in the pit of his stomach. the contact from the other against his flesh is familiar, yet that of a stranger. it’s craved, something he finds himself thinking about late at night, but so much time passed — it’s a touch he’s begun to forget. then, inho’s lips make contact with his soft spot and legs become jelly ( yet another reason he’s thankful for the grip around him ). his brain is drowning in various thoughts and the only word he can breathe is ‘ cruel ’, though it doesn’t leave his lips. maybe inho was right; they were a mistake, a couple fate didn’t want together, but he can’t accept that. he won’t just lay down and give up because of what the universe may be telling them; especially if he doesn’t believe it to be true. ( be mine ) it resounds in his head, weighing him down and it’s obvious that he’s fallen victim to inho’s spell once more ( truth is, he’s never been released ) but he’ll take what he can get.

“you never have to ask,” jiho allows the other’s touch to fade and pulls himself away, only to grab inho’s face between trembling hands. ( two can play that game ) “i’m always yours, baek inho, don’t you ever forget that.” teeth sink into soft flesh for a moment before a flash of pink runs along the same area, ridding the surface of the crimson beginning to seep through. starlit hues drop to inho’s lips as he leans in, slowly closing the distance between them. it’s soft, gentle and timid at first, but quickly becomes hungry, needing and a little … what was this feeling? anger? it’s difficult to deduce with his mind screaming. ( i love you, why isn’t that enough? i love you, why did you leave me? i love you, were you lying when you said you did too? i love you, but was i nothing more than a joke!? ) jiho forces himself to pull away. it’s difficult to breathe and he needs an escape, time to focus, but his mouth moves on it’s own; thoughts gush from swollen lips.

“you don’t get to do that. you don’t get to apologize, ask me to be yours, then apologize again because me being yours right now just isn’t convenient for you. what do you want from me exactly?” his head turns, worried he won’t be able to keep himself collected if he continues to gaze upon his first love. “don’t lie to me, either. don’t give me some story about what you think is best for me. you don’t get to decide that — only i do, so tell me. honestly. without restraint. what exactly do you want, yuseong?” his eyes shut and he’s afraid to utter the last words, but he knows he needs to. this is a cycle that has to end; it’s not fair, to either of them. “if you really want me to leave, to give up on you and on us, then tell me now. even if i don’t agree, i love you enough to respect that.” 

he is TEN : yixuan lifts his shirt to show him purple marks staining fair skin. a starry eyed boy looks & looks & looks & he's terrified. hands are tied and there is no way to fix it. he is TWELVE : mom is long gone by now, grandpa is never around & his constants are yixuan, the sky, ( yixuan ), the old nanny, YIXUAN. he is THIRTHEEN : --- ( he sees it for the first time ) ; vile man, demanding words, crying angel. a harsh blow against a tear stained cheek and the halo shatters. inho wonders to this day ; had he made some noise, would icarus cease to fall ?? but S I L E N C E follows his query & he remembers then, the hands enclosing around his throat : ' you'll stay quiet ' hands are tied. there is no way to fix it. he is SIXTEEN : they've settled down, but he is never home. what was he RUNNING from ?? what was he AFRAID of ?? starry eyed boy listen in to another conversation -- same vicious tone, the same scarring tendencies. ' protect your place ' . he was EIGHTEEN : and he stands beside a closed casket ( AGAIN ) , this is a lesson he's learned by heart now ( everyone you have ever loved will someday die ) but G O D, he was just so ( young ) . the voice invades his ears in the same violent manner it ALWAYS did, as it professes : ' you're gonna pay for this. '

but INHO came from love. it seemed like a typical love story at first. ( YOO HYUNJAE ) & ( BAEK YOOJUNG ) , a broke musician who loved no one but himself & a girl whose eyes were so P U R E, they'd learned how to burn through skin & reach the heart. ( they fall in love ) but the odds are never on their favor. she pulls him forward, but the world pushes him backwards & further, further, further, -- until he is finally out of reach. ( STILL ) inho came from love. his body was rooted in gratitude & though ' i'm sorry ' , seemed to become the biggest poem inside him --- he would never fall out of love. he would never become what ( WHO ) he despised. a man whose hands never shook, a man whose heart remained whiskey & ICE. a man who'd destroyed the ONE person who loved him through it all ---- he would NOT become that man. yes, he had said such a thing, but fate was MALICIOUS. he felt the starry eyed boy slip through his fingertips while the darkness of that man's CURSE came in through the cracks.

but there was H O P E ; his hands were still shaking. ( 11:11 ) he sits alone on the large space, grieving the silence that swallows him up. his brain is on FIRE & so, he writes ; a letter he will never send, words he will never utter, moments that DESTINY stole from him : ' jiho, it's friday night & i love you, but the blood is still there. ' ( 11:11  ) salt water marks paper, but it doesn't matter, because it's only clumsy handwriting & wishful thinking : ' jiho, it's saturday & i love you, but i still left. ' ( 11:11 ) he steps outside this time. close to running towards a warm embrace that he KNEW, was waiting for him. but his heart was an anchor & this love would end up drowning both of them, therefore, he returns. 

"i love you." his confession was only a faint whisper, but nothing else was needed. he'd gotten close again by now. [ it was clear that he craved touch ] his body was his favorite instrument & he loved how it could tell stories when words seemed to fail him. "you are my first love, and everyday it feels more -- like you will be the last." humorless laugh. yes, he had a bad habit. make fun of it, until it doesn't hurt. S M I L E  so they won't see that it's K I L L I N G you. "what i want from you ??" what a loaded question to a boy who was used to offering parts of himself & calling it a gift. but he knew exactly what he missed about JIHO. he knew what he wanted ( he knew the things he couldn't have ) "when we visited my old nanny, you said it was like meeting my mom, because you knew that's what she tried to be. you played all day with her grandchildren and helped her cook even though you didn't have to and i just thought --- how nice would it be, right ?? a small house somewhere close to the sea. our friends visit on the weekends and it's me and you. maybe someday, a kid running around and she explains to the others at school about her two dads." hands traveled to his arms & downwards, until he finally held one of jiho's hands into his own. "you would talk about dance moves that i didn't understand late at night just because i had a nightmare and couldn't sleep. --- you were always trying to pull me closer and it was like --- like you were afraid that i would disappear. that i wasn't really there to begin with. you were always trying to win me the big bears on amusement parks, you always wanted to meet my friends and i know -- i know you didn't like them but you never said anything." a gentle ( starstruck ) grin graced angelic features & his eyes were locked into the other's caramel orbs as if trying to see past his soul. if only, he had been left with his mother's grace. "i never had any of that. and i always thought -- how nice would it be to have it forever. --- that's what i wanted. --- w-what i want."

          A BLUSH CREPT ONTO sungwoon’s cheeks at inho’s words, a mixture of embarrassment of his question in general, and the fact that he felt the need to even ask. «of course i’ve —» he began, sitting up to look at his friend PECULIARLY, «yeah, that.» he was a busy man, but even he had intimacy in his life, even if perhaps not as frequently as others ( inho included ). «i know a place !» he was quick to answer to distract from the topic at hand, «i hope you’re up for a little walking, though.»

She remembers the moment as if she is reliving it. A boy, too young to be in a situation like this. Begs for his own SACRIFICE. As if it would fix the irretrievable mess that he hasn’t even CAUSED. She doesn’t understand how someone could be so unlike her, so willing to give up everything for nothing more than a FRIEND. & Sora has watched as his life slowly fell apart & his family felt bitter. But she felt BITTER, bitter that he so willingly gave up his blood ties for nothing more than mere WATER. She didn’t understand the choice he made, but she was forced to accept it. 

Sora doesn’t like to talk about it, THE PAST, it haunts her like a shadow in the hot sun. Unwavering and ever present. She is in a drought. She doesn’t need anyone, but she can’t live alone, such is the paradox, such is the tragedy. Bless him, really, she thinks to herself, because who else could make her feel alive like INHO did, it’s not the same, but it certainly feels nice. Nice to have someone CARE. She’s been hiding, hiding as if it would somehow fix things and heal her heart, but it wasn;t enough. She’d run away from the past for long enough  and she couldn’t CARRY this weight on her own.  Stubbornness was one of her worst traits & as she pushed herself further away from him, crouched and back against the wall, she felt as if she was back to square ONE. “You don’t understand.” She sniffs, cluthcing her chest tightly. “H’es never coming back & I…I can’t move on.”  She’s coughing, spluttering, trying to find a reason to breathe. Because he’s appeared again, in the corner of the room, his eyes still the same, his smile just as BREATHTAKING. “I can never escape him.”

( LOVE ) a question mark rests at the end of the strange chemical reaction that seems to swallow  up him whole. ( what is love ?? ) strong affection towards another, said dictionary. mutual respect, said grandpa. ' MADNESS, heartbreak & sometimes happiness -- you'll understand when you're older ' , said mom. well, he's twenty one now & the question mark sits at the end of the table, mocking him. sure, he felt ( LOVE ) before. didn't he ?? of course , of course, of course, of course --- he repeats & repeats & the words mingle, they stop making sense & THE QUESTION MARK laughs at his uncertainty.  he loved before, he was loved in return so, why ?? [ why is he alone ?? ]

most days, ( LOVE ) is a play of only one man. he puts on a show but the house is EMPTY & all the noise comes from the echo of his own heartbeat. even now, when her eyes drift across the room ( searching ) , he realizes : there is nothing he can do for her. ( NOT THE FIRST. ) --- NOT THE LAST. maybe he was never warned. but who would look into E Y E S that held so much sincerity & have the courage to say : you're only a replacement for someone who is never coming back. however -- time & time again, he'd learned it was impossible to save the ones you love. time & time again, ( LOVE ) made him think he knew the answer but upon raising his hand ; he was the only one left in the room. this isn't something new.

"right. i don't." i'm self centered & thoughtless, what would i know about someone else's pain ?? "why don't you tell me ?? tell me what it's like," inho never stepped forward. NO, inho was never demanding. inho, son of a father who was TOO afraid to look him in the eyes & a mother who couldn't be holy, so she A L W A Y S raised hell. inho, who spent his life laying on a bed of thorns & refused to bleed out. the best words to describe him would be : victim & violence. ( knife & flesh ) a kaleidoscope of contradictions that no one ever bothered to try & understand. "if you want." his hands were still behind his back, the crumpled paper never forgotten. who was it & why did he left ?? where was he & was he ever coming back ?? the questions roamed his mind, but it wasn't the time to lay them on the table. he doubted she even had the answers.

he steps back & the question mark starts to resemble the devil upon his shoulder. the one that once told him, a life like this wasn't worth living. it spares the boy a warm, pitiful smile & whispers : ' is it time to let go now ?? ' but inho shakes his head, because he's got things to do. a girl to save, the arms of a beautiful boy to return to & a family to put together.

"so, think about the worst thing that's ever happened to you." where would you be if it all had been some kind of TWISTED dream ?? his favorite things : water, stars, wishful thinking. why did he spend so long dwelling on WHAT could have been ?? that was a mystery even to the boy himself. would time turn back --- if a shooting star passed him by & he had passion enough ; then maybe this would really prove to be some kind of TWISTED dream. tomorrow he would wake up & mom would be at the kitchen, burning yet another breakfast. his grandfather would visist with a gift, which yixuan would RIP from his hands & nothing in the world would matter, nothing but that moment ( the happiness ), the comfort --- the , the --- he was unsure what to call. it was foreign now. and thinking about it just made him want to T U R N things around -- in an unexpected way. "actually, don't do that." suddenly, he was sitting on the sand, perfectly trimmed brows creasing, in a thoughtful manner. "let's do something stupid."  the boy didn't ACTUALLY need to think much ; he had JUST the thing. would she agree ?? that was the question. "my aunt is hosting a charity event today. let's crash it." ( WHAT A STUPID & STRANGE IDEA ) why did it sound so inviting in that one moment ?? perhaps he missed family time OR just once he wanted to see ( CINDERELLA'S ) evil stepmother burning with rage and be proud to say he was the reason for it. RED was the color of the summer, after all.

&. ❛  FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMB CUTE FACE. “

( stranger ) ✔ THANK YOU.( stranger ) ✔ mimi does say i’m one of the pretty boys  ( stranger ) ✔ and before you ask, no.( stranger ) ✔ it’s not her.( stranger ) ✔ xoxo

&. ❛  i just hate that someone could make me trust him the way that i did. “

( starlight ) ✔ mimi.. it’s not your fault.( starlight ) ✔ he was always this vicious.( starlight ) ✔ he turns everyone around him into a victim.( starlight ) ✔ he’s just .. rotten.( starlight ) ✔ he destroys everything he touches( starlight ) ✔ [ unsent ] i feel like i’m turning into him.( starlight ) ✔ but it takes a long time to see him for who he really is.( starlight ) ✔ if you finally did. ( starlight ) ✔ that’s all that matters.