he’s ignited, a low blue flame burns in the pit of his stomach. the contact from the other against his flesh is familiar, yet that of a stranger. it’s craved, something he finds himself thinking about late at night, but so much time passed — it’s a touch he’s begun to forget. then, inho’s lips make contact with his soft spot and legs become jelly ( yet another reason he’s thankful for the grip around him ). his brain is drowning in various thoughts and the only word he can breathe is ‘ cruel ’, though it doesn’t leave his lips. maybe inho was right; they were a mistake, a couple fate didn’t want together, but he can’t accept that. he won’t just lay down and give up because of what the universe may be telling them; especially if he doesn’t believe it to be true. ( be mine ) it resounds in his head, weighing him down and it’s obvious that he’s fallen victim to inho’s spell once more ( truth is, he’s never been released ) but he’ll take what he can get.
“you never have to ask,” jiho allows the other’s touch to fade and pulls himself away, only to grab inho’s face between trembling hands. ( two can play that game ) “i’m always yours, baek inho, don’t you ever forget that.” teeth sink into soft flesh for a moment before a flash of pink runs along the same area, ridding the surface of the crimson beginning to seep through. starlit hues drop to inho’s lips as he leans in, slowly closing the distance between them. it’s soft, gentle and timid at first, but quickly becomes hungry, needing and a little … what was this feeling? anger? it’s difficult to deduce with his mind screaming. ( i love you, why isn’t that enough? i love you, why did you leave me? i love you, were you lying when you said you did too? i love you, but was i nothing more than a joke!? ) jiho forces himself to pull away. it’s difficult to breathe and he needs an escape, time to focus, but his mouth moves on it’s own; thoughts gush from swollen lips.
“you don’t get to do that. you don’t get to apologize, ask me to be yours, then apologize again because me being yours right now just isn’t convenient for you. what do you want from me exactly?” his head turns, worried he won’t be able to keep himself collected if he continues to gaze upon his first love. “don’t lie to me, either. don’t give me some story about what you think is best for me. you don’t get to decide that — only i do, so tell me. honestly. without restraint. what exactly do you want, yuseong?” his eyes shut and he’s afraid to utter the last words, but he knows he needs to. this is a cycle that has to end; it’s not fair, to either of them. “if you really want me to leave, to give up on you and on us, then tell me now. even if i don’t agree, i love you enough to respect that.”
he is TEN : yixuan lifts his shirt to show him purple marks staining fair skin. a starry eyed boy looks & looks & looks & he's terrified. hands are tied and there is no way to fix it. he is TWELVE : mom is long gone by now, grandpa is never around & his constants are yixuan, the sky, ( yixuan ), the old nanny, YIXUAN. he is THIRTHEEN : --- ( he sees it for the first time ) ; vile man, demanding words, crying angel. a harsh blow against a tear stained cheek and the halo shatters. inho wonders to this day ; had he made some noise, would icarus cease to fall ?? but S I L E N C E follows his query & he remembers then, the hands enclosing around his throat : ' you'll stay quiet ' hands are tied. there is no way to fix it. he is SIXTEEN : they've settled down, but he is never home. what was he RUNNING from ?? what was he AFRAID of ?? starry eyed boy listen in to another conversation -- same vicious tone, the same scarring tendencies. ' protect your place ' . he was EIGHTEEN : and he stands beside a closed casket ( AGAIN ) , this is a lesson he's learned by heart now ( everyone you have ever loved will someday die ) but G O D, he was just so ( young ) . the voice invades his ears in the same violent manner it ALWAYS did, as it professes : ' you're gonna pay for this. '
but INHO came from love. it seemed like a typical love story at first. ( YOO HYUNJAE ) & ( BAEK YOOJUNG ) , a broke musician who loved no one but himself & a girl whose eyes were so P U R E, they'd learned how to burn through skin & reach the heart. ( they fall in love ) but the odds are never on their favor. she pulls him forward, but the world pushes him backwards & further, further, further, -- until he is finally out of reach. ( STILL ) inho came from love. his body was rooted in gratitude & though ' i'm sorry ' , seemed to become the biggest poem inside him --- he would never fall out of love. he would never become what ( WHO ) he despised. a man whose hands never shook, a man whose heart remained whiskey & ICE. a man who'd destroyed the ONE person who loved him through it all ---- he would NOT become that man. yes, he had said such a thing, but fate was MALICIOUS. he felt the starry eyed boy slip through his fingertips while the darkness of that man's CURSE came in through the cracks.
but there was H O P E ; his hands were still shaking. ( 11:11 ) he sits alone on the large space, grieving the silence that swallows him up. his brain is on FIRE & so, he writes ; a letter he will never send, words he will never utter, moments that DESTINY stole from him : ' jiho, it's friday night & i love you, but the blood is still there. ' ( 11:11 ) salt water marks paper, but it doesn't matter, because it's only clumsy handwriting & wishful thinking : ' jiho, it's saturday & i love you, but i still left. ' ( 11:11 ) he steps outside this time. close to running towards a warm embrace that he KNEW, was waiting for him. but his heart was an anchor & this love would end up drowning both of them, therefore, he returns.
"i love you." his confession was only a faint whisper, but nothing else was needed. he'd gotten close again by now. [ it was clear that he craved touch ] his body was his favorite instrument & he loved how it could tell stories when words seemed to fail him. "you are my first love, and everyday it feels more -- like you will be the last." humorless laugh. yes, he had a bad habit. make fun of it, until it doesn't hurt. S M I L E so they won't see that it's K I L L I N G you. "what i want from you ??" what a loaded question to a boy who was used to offering parts of himself & calling it a gift. but he knew exactly what he missed about JIHO. he knew what he wanted ( he knew the things he couldn't have ) "when we visited my old nanny, you said it was like meeting my mom, because you knew that's what she tried to be. you played all day with her grandchildren and helped her cook even though you didn't have to and i just thought --- how nice would it be, right ?? a small house somewhere close to the sea. our friends visit on the weekends and it's me and you. maybe someday, a kid running around and she explains to the others at school about her two dads." hands traveled to his arms & downwards, until he finally held one of jiho's hands into his own. "you would talk about dance moves that i didn't understand late at night just because i had a nightmare and couldn't sleep. --- you were always trying to pull me closer and it was like --- like you were afraid that i would disappear. that i wasn't really there to begin with. you were always trying to win me the big bears on amusement parks, you always wanted to meet my friends and i know -- i know you didn't like them but you never said anything." a gentle ( starstruck ) grin graced angelic features & his eyes were locked into the other's caramel orbs as if trying to see past his soul. if only, he had been left with his mother's grace. "i never had any of that. and i always thought -- how nice would it be to have it forever. --- that's what i wanted. --- w-what i want."
hyunjae leaves a message & a promise that he will come back. he will take his son and the woman he loves with him -- where ?? he wasn't sure. ( SOMEWHERE ) far ( ANYWHERE ) they would be safe from fate's cruel whims. inho never learns of his father's words, nor his NAME, for that matter. if he did, maybe there would finally be a reason to resent the man for going away. not for never reading bedtime stories, not for being a COWARD who never faced his own son -- no. just because if he really had come back, mom would be alive & he wouldn't be here, standing as a fool ( hopeless & begging to be loved ). yixuan would be in med school & his uncle would've wasted away by now. the world would be a PERFECT PICTURE of undivided happiness & there would be no burden to carry. but as it was ; his father remained his biggest I D O L. how could one turn away & never look back ?? how could ( anyone ) be so strong ?? he would like to be ( JUST ) like him. unfortunately, he was young & weak. he knew nothing about indifference, nor love. he was YOUNG & YOUNG & YOUNG & YOUNG --- and weak. so, he leaned forward to press their lips together again, softly. because he was weak & jiho was all he WANTED.