endlessly fascinating

I’m a morning person, but my brain has its limits to what it can take before coffee washes over it. In short, my EQ dwindles without coffee. My caffeine addiction started way back in high school. And from then on, it has become part of my being, said just about every other person who’s fallen in love with this elixir.

As a coffee drinker, you’d learn exactly how you want your coffee—piping hot, double shot espresso, creamy latte. It doesn’t always go hand in hand with knowing how to make your perfect cup. We all like it a certain way. They say you are the way you drink your coffee. Let me know how accurate this is:

Growing up, I’ve always thought I’m the reliable friend. The one that’s always ready to go for whatever misadventure, one of the pillars of our circle, the secret keeper. Fast forward to today, my usual dilemma would be keeping up with my own life and the ever elusive work-life balance. My friends probably hate me now. For one, I never fully understood why my “taken” friends are always MIA whenever they’re taken. I’m not complaining--I love my time with my bae but I honestly have keeping up with my friends another priority/goal/resolution for 2016.

Example A. I’ve been seeing my tribe (because we’re too ancient for “squad”), more often this year. Unfortunately, it’s really more of catching up before half our tribe migrates to some place else. We’ve gone more international than ever. From Japan, Canada, Shanghai and now, Thea, our first ever married friend and her hubby already moved to Sanfo. This leaves us with no excuse to tighten our knit!

Example B. I went out with my new blogger friend, Chin Chin, earlier this April. No business agendas, just COCOL. Actually, not really. We had dinner at this Japanese place in Greenbelt after work. Yes, Makati. Spent about 5 hours chitchatting about love life and other dramas, career talk and even as random as how she goes online shopping in ZALORA whenever she’s just bored i.e. her top that night which she bought online which I so love. This girl just made me check out the site and hoohah! Apparently you can get amazing deals and big discounts when you use ZALORA vouchers. Must score those vouchers!

Some Saturday ago, Mark, Charlotte, our tita and I went over to Showtime! It's my second time to watch it live and though I'm not really a fan of noontime shows, you can't help but get the highs while in the set. You'll just get the rush and the little panic of not getting picked on one of the segments.  There was also a tour of some the other studios of the network which came with the package TFC subscribers get for the ticket.

I think the best part was John Lloyd. Nahhh it was really how we lost count of our laughs that day. And my mother's epic reply on my message that John Lloyd was there: "Wehhhh".  Clearly, a scorn response of a John Lloyd fan girl.

Eversince my cousins Mark and John's family migrated to New Zealand, we've had rare occassions of having the cousins crew complete. Christmas and summer breaks weren't the same but nevertheless it's cool when we have them around. They are afterall, the people I grew up with.  And more than that, they are family.  I love this side of my family. I have several reasons why I just feel proud how our lola raised her family.  More than that, I love how we are in ways, growing.

Early this year, we got the privilege of having a little get together and meeting my cousin's girlfriend, Charlotte. I now consider her part of the family because she totally belongs. She's just as hilarious and fun and very much Pinay at heart.  One thing I like about her is how she was able to point out how Mac probably got his feminine charm.  We're mostly girls in the family as you can see.  Another thing would be how similar her and my beliefs are; she's a Catholic who adapts Buddhist beliefs as well.  She also taught me how to swim deep.  Apparently, you breathe underwater.  Crazy.

I, being the eldest, and being the most "available" in terms of employment or lack thereof, was tasked as their tour guide for this 3-week vacation. We settled for a daytrip in Camaya Coast, Mariveles, Bataan.  This is a first for us to go out of town together without the parentals. I was obviously, the designated tita.  I may have given this a 2-star rating on Trip Advisor, but nevertheless, we had heaps of fun and enjoyed this trip.

This was a break from it all I think, like a little highlight for our crew though not everyone made it. I'd say this one's for the book, this whole almost monthlong vacation where I got to see the world with fresh eyes.  Everything just seems radiant and the silverlining was too obvious not to notice.

My mother was asking me what hashtags were though I've told her about it a few times before.  I tried showing her opening Twitter with this as one of the trending hashtags.  She was surprised that I hadn't heard the news.  The interviews for the past two days weren't an excuse with the technology now which reminds me that I should get a news app.

Did we really elect a president who would be present at every social except the public events he is supposed to be in? I didn't.

How in the world would a Commander-in-Chief chose a car plant's inauguration over welcoming his soldiers who fought against Asia's Osama Bin Laden? How could a president not know his priorities? I get it that either way, people would say things.  Let me say my piece for the president.

We wouldn't even care if you did go to that car plant's inauguration or not. People would rather see you acknowledge the bravery of these men and console their families. I rather have you done that, because you represent us. I know for a fact that the Mitsubishi Motors plant isn't going anywhere because it just moved to their other plant in Laguna from our place here along Ortigas Ave. Ext. where they have been for more that 20 years.  I know your intentions of sustaining good relations with Japan would be of help with job opportunities as well.  But I also think that regardless, that inauguration would go on without you there.  I question your sense of priority and how else he manages his country. 

I get it that you were in the necrological services but it does not do much to the mourning to know that you would rather be elsewhere than to console your people.  I hope you know that your people would die for you given that you are our president.  But this tops my list of moments you have disappointed this country.  Being unemployed, I know I have no right to say much.  But unemployed or not, I am a Filipino who mourns along these families.  Being the son of a man who died for his country, I was hoping you would know better. You should know how it feels to get a medal instead of an embrace from your loved one.

You pointing fingers as to whoever gave the command for this combat isn't assuring to those families.  This is basically you telling us that this battle is not even a valid mission, that their death is not for this country.  This is even more alarming, to get such information that this mission might not even be instructed by the Commander-in-Chief, and that almost everyone else under you doesn't know about.  With the $5 million-reward for Marwan's capture, it could be for someone else's benefit.  Otherwise, well, you should know men's whereabout all the more.

Explored Nichi's turf some weeks back.  Let's just say I was so excited about this day and everything in it.  I went for an interview I was actually looking forward to, the work just brings passion running in my bloodstreams but that's another story.

Makati is one of those places I could literally get lost in. But this night, it was mostly the money I lost over the coolest thrifts I've had in ages. I remember I bought a denim jacket on a trip to Binondo last July.  I love that too. Before that though, the last thrift shopping I did were back in college.  It all seemed so far away now.

This 2015, I came up with little projects to pump up my creativity, broaden my knowledge of the world, gain more insights and overall stretch myself more.

It all aims to bring back my lost passion for life and moreover, stir that thirst.

The title of this entry is a clue for this one.

Pinto Art Museum is one of my so-called hideout places--the few corners of the world I could just be. I live nearby though not exactly in Antipolo which is why I'd never skip a chance to go there when some friends pop an invite.

I keep a close knit of friends. One of them I have to say is one of the few  constants in my life. 

My bestfriend too. Despite not having the same interests and likes and dislikes, we just click. It's comforting to know that we always have each others' backs.  And this date was just proof of that. Possibly the epic part was we got these off of the Starbucks card her Mom was gifted.

Before the surge of third wave coffee shops, we happen to find a Starbucks we'd call ours.  Our original third place is now demolished though we usually go there for breakfasts or dinners with her nightshift then.  It was mostly for shit-I-need-you-meet-me-now dates that happen afterhours. Topics were mostly heartaches of different sorts: the office, guys, family, plans where to go next. Very typical you'd say.  And not much has changed now to be honest.  Just a few additional matters like everyone's getting married.

We're finally here, 2015!

I know the greeting's a few weeks late, but nevertheless I am so glad with the New Year—something  about closing a chapter and opening a blank page on a journal kind of thing for me.  Every year, I do have this "This will be the year I ________" theme going on and it's been serving me well until last year when I did the exact opposite of the whole theme I came up for 2014.

It was supposedly the year I commit. To my life goals, that eventually changed. To my career, which I resigned from because I had the courage to admit it was not the path for me after all.  To my family, who are still my family despite my crazy. To love, which I cannot handle with that emotional state of existential crisis of yes, the quater-life. To travelling, that I did a lot of mostly for work.  To saving up, which didn't really happen.  To reading books, that I did thanks to my friends who gave me books to read and e-books because the best things in life are free. To making art, that's of course always functional. To loving life, which is basically what I do in this life but 2014 stretched me in unproportionate ways that I lost the passion and literally the appetite for everything at all.  To happiness, which existed in the brief moments I was laying on the bed with air plants by the window. Faith, hope and love nestled me.  I felt safe and I know I was home.

It's that time of the year! We finally got to the last day of 2014 and I am beyond grateful. I've been religiously doing this yearly recap for several years now but it's a shame when I checked up to learn that I haven't been sharing them here. It's a lengthy post that I hope I did well with the grammar with because I won't be checking that. So here it goes:

1) Was 2014 a good year for you?

I'm not exactly the type who'd say she's having a bad year but this is honestly the worst of my 24 years of existence. There. 2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Despite being the "worst", I have a lot of favorite moments for 2014 but the best was this one night where everything thing lay still and I knew I was home.  3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? That time I was letting my boss know of my resignation, was seriously the time I was putting everything I have down. 4) Where were you when 2014 began? Some New Year's Eve Party with the whole fireworks shebang. 5) Who were you with? Family. 6) Where will you be when 2014 ends? At the Villanueva's.  7) Who will you be with when 2014 ends? Momo, Hannah, Nikole and Inda, basically. 8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2014? This is year is the year I said I'll commit, to my career, my family, to love, to travelling, arts but honestly, I was working harder to keep myself committed this year than actually committing.  I did ticked 3 out of 5 of my 2014 Top 5 goals but traveling outside the country and putting up a start-up are still on the works. 9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2015? This is the year I'll make it happen! 10) Did you fall in love in 2014? Over and over and over and over. 11) If yes who? Same person I'll fall in love over and over with no matter what. 12) If yes, do they know? He knows it.  13) Are you still in love with them? I still am. 14) You regret it? Regret, what? 15) Did you breakup in 2014? Technically, no. 16) Did you make any new friends in 2014? Yes sir! 17) Who are your favorite “new” friends? Yna and Did who were new to our team just before I left my former work. 18) What was your favorite month of 2014? It's a tie between July and August.  But it's always August. 19) Did you travel outside of the Philippines in 2014? Ughhh can you stop reminding I didn't get this off the list? 20) How many different provinces and/or states did you travel to in 2014? I think 4 is quite the number. 21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2014? Thankfully, none. 22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? My lola. 23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2014? Favorite's a big word but the best I've watched this 2014 were: The Science of Sleep, Her, The Spectacular Now, Short Term 12, Boyhood, Elizabethtown, The Godfather, The Grand Budapest Hotel, When Harry Met Sally, Miracle in Cell No. 7, Gone Girl, The Giver and Prince of Persia. On the local screen, Maybe This Time all "relate" feels. 24) What was your favorite song from 2014?

My most played songs this year aren't even from this year, that's how bad this year is. 

25) What was your favorite record from 2014? Argentina's Under Pressure, Over Time. 26) How many concerts did you see in 2014? Oh god, I don't even remember any!!!!! 27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2014? My Bathroom Concert Series 28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2014? Not even close. 29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2014? I didn't do any. 30) Did you do anything out of character in 2014? My character is about not being one. 31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? It might be a bad year but I'm proud of everything I did this 2014. 33) What was the worst lie you told someone in 2014? None of it was life-changingly bad. 34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2014? Almost. On the very brink of. 35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2014? I'd say no one has ever crossed me this bad.

36) How much money did you spend in 2014? Enough to make me happy. 37) What was your proudest moment of 2014? When he went up on stage for that film he did, I knew I wouldn't miss it for the world.  38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2014? It's either I can't recall one or they're just an everyday occurance. 39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2014 and change something, what would it be? Wouldn't have the worse any other way. 40) What are your plans for 2015? The only plan is to make it happen! 41) What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before? I have this belief that how you spent your New Year's Eve is more or less how the rest of the year would be and I did it completely different this year. I also have a thing for 'firsts' and I had a lot of those to say the least. 42) What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014? Passion.  Bet you didn't see that coming. 43) What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 30, 2014. 44) Did you suffer illness or injury? My hernia is officially diagnosed and I'm preparing for the operation in 2015. 45) What was the best thing you bought? A kilo of lansones. 46) Whose behavior merited celebration?

I can't think of any worthy of the merit.  47) Whose behavior made you appalled and disappointed? A girl. 48) What did you get really, really, really excited about? Coron trip and a few things. 49) What song will always remind you of 2014? The Association's Never My Love 50) Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Sadder. thinner or fatter? Thinner. richer or poorer? Richer. 51) What do you wish you’d done more of? Make. Make cake, make blog, make shift, make art, make crafts, make music, make love. 52) What do you wish you’d done less of? Passive ranting. 53) What was your favorite tv program? SCANDAL. January 29 must come faster. 54) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? With a passion. 55) What was the best book you read? Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn by John C. Maxwell. Every much like 2014's theme for me. 56) What was your greatest musical discovery? Argentina and Carousel. 57) What did you want and get? A second chance. 58) What did you want and not get? An out of the country trip and starting a business. 59) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I celebrated with my family and I turned 24.  My mother asked me this question and it made me tear up because I honestly didn't see that coming. 60) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? The courage to want what I want and to go after them. 61) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014? Transitional. 62) What kept you sane? Home. 

63) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Marie Forleo, LaurDIY, Danielle Laporte, Michelle Dy, Rachel Bilson, Poppy De Levigne, Rachel Zoe etc. 64) Who do you miss? The Prince of Croatia. 65) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

This year brought it's fair share of lessons I'd say would apply for the years ahead. Here's a little run down in no particular order:

1. Job interviews tell you more about yourself than the interviewer. Choose those opportunities wisely.  It will take some effort to get all suit up but chances are you're in for a win-win. I gained fresh insights about myself with those interviews.

2. It's okay to get attached. To your work, your routine, the love of your life.

3. Routine's are essential. Someone once told me that she won't be living a life of routines, waking up doing the same old and she was always right to me then but then this year, routines were the thing that held me together for a time. It did change how I looked at routines, that they were not just some systematic approach or operational procedure of quagmire.  They are actually a set of habits aimed to achieve a certain result; success. It's your morning routine, your fitness routine, your eating habits, your reading time. Habits form your values and indeed, as Sean Covey says, we are what we repeatedly do.

4. You have to want what you want. Really look at them and want them so bad you know there is no other choice but to make it happen.  Considering plan B, C, D don't work for me. It's always do or die.

Life has been rough lately.  Rough in ways I could actually consider terrible. But I guess, more than how things are going, it is the way I am responding to them that is even more terrible.  Ways I'd say, isn't me or how I do things.

But today, of all fateful days, as if after the heavy rain and lightning storms, I opened one of my old email addresses that I keep for random subscriptions and well, this tumblr.

And I got this:

 It was honestly horrifying when I saw this pop up on my inbox.  I was even scared of opening it because it seems like a ghost from the past.  It even reminded me of Toni Gonzaga's role in "Starting Over Again" which my jologs self shamelessly admits watching in the theaters. The date I chose to mail it to myself clearly says something too. I may not know now just yet, but I know there's just something there.

I think I did myself a favor opening it up and braving to read it.  It was comforting; the kind that gives me hope just when I need it most. 

So, I'll make the right decision (whatever that maybe) because who knows. Life might turn out for the best.  Like always.

Sunbathing Babies

You gotta admit we’ve fallen in love with this communal passion of planting life.

**Credits to the owner of the artwork above.

Our father asked us to memorize this some years ago so he could have us recite it to him when he gets back for vacay from his work abroad. I'd have to say it really grew on me, like I've come to gnaw on the words and live by them for most of my life since.

This one deserves a blog post. More than anything else. Not that it's the most relevant thing to talk about right now, but because to me, it is. The kind of self-issue you want to tell your closest friends about but then you don't.

I really want this more than you know. My levels of frustration is already out of this world. It's a depressing kind of day, really.

I grabbed some late lunch with a colleague yesterday and we were talking about life after this work. Then our topic went to something like dreams being dreams and dreams could be just that—dreams. Maybe he was right about me being such a dreamer. Maybe I’m being naive but there’s something he quite missed out.