Eros' Lessons

"do you want company?" i ask with a smile. our friends have gone out, so it's just the two of us. "yeah, that'd be nice", you reply - so I grab my laptop and settle on the couch next to you. we parallel play for a little, the silence is comfortable and this is a dream come true. after some time, i'm not keeping track you get up and ask if i want anything to drink "maybe get a bottle of water for the table? that way you don't have to keep getting up?" you laugh and agree and i tell you to bring over some of the timtams i left in the kitchen too

when you return, water bottle placed on the table along with the plate of snacks you sit back down and say "hey" i save my work and look over at you "what's up?" i reply with a smile, you smile back. "i actually got you a gift too" "oh my god you did not have to do that, seeing you is a gift. truly." "well i did. you declare firmly though your voice is filled with amusement go on, open it"

i open the smallish jewellery box and lose my breath. i look at you all the swirling emotions written on my face. "you know, there's some conversations we've had that stick with me," i say and you hum, wordlessly asking my to continue. "this one was one of them." i'm surprised you remembered it though that I don't say. "It was one for me as well," you tell me, quiet and honest, "i thought you deserved something in return for everything you've done for us." "your friendship has been all i ever needed." i reply. "do you like them?" The earrings glint against the dark material they sit on and i nod, wordless. I glance back up at you,"if it's not overstepping" (i'm always wanting to be respectful of your boundaries) "will you help me put them on?" "it's not." you reply and move so that you're straddling my lap, hands ever so careful as you replace the earrings i have in with your gift.

it was one comment

from someone i dont know

not care about but now

everytime i start to

forget myself and

make noise especially

during solo play i just

hear it over and over

you sound like a goose

still hot though

and i get embarrassed

and sad and all the desire

to come has gone from me

god what id give to

be made to forget

but

i absolutely hate the terms daddy/mommy to the point of them being a literal turnoff. like i wont listen to an audio where the speaker refers to themself as daddy or mommy.

i dont mind if a partner wants to uses either term to refer to me because i want a partner to feel comfortable but even then its not a turn on more a neutral.

and thus it becomes super hard to find content for (and to explain). it also shows up way low down on my bdsm test despite its presence in my fantasies.

(thank god for my one enby friend and their sending me a gorgeous audio that fulfils this need because it scratched an itch so well.)

"youre pathetic"

which literally knocked me out of a dream that was getting sexy

and

"pathetic little slut"

which (to be fair i have to be in the right mood) is a massive turn on

i think its that even without actively roleplaying theres some part of me that finds inhabiting the quote unquote character of a slut or a young lady or an owner or a mistress when im having sex that makes compliments easier to accept and degradation more delicious because its doesnt feel as personal?

im probably not explaining this well but for me the degradation i like is a) usually mixed with praise and b) feels untargeted (unlike the first example)

like yes for the right person id be a needy little whore or a pathetic slut but its just that, an identity suit that im wearing for that person.

what its like to submit

but im scared to trust

scared that after the

bad drop that happened

that theres no way i could

relax enough to fully just

let go

and the people i would trust

maybe the most with this?

i dont even know if they

would be remotely interested

so sometimes i find myself

mourning might have beens

and maybes and lost opportunities

calls me a brat when i respond in a certain way

how much i dislike the term same as naughty

and how often me "bratting" is actually me

just flirting back but from a neutral point

cause like im a switch but i need a certain

amount of trust and also to be in the right mood

to sub or to dom and for some of my dominant leaning

friends if im not in a super subby mood my

attitude comes off as bratting. also one of them

i think thats the kind of stuff he enjoys and i

enjoy it far less but in the right mood I'll lean in

to it a little to flirt with him and to make him feel good.

is pain is undesirable is

damnation

means if you ever catch a shy

smiling tease with a make me

on her lips well she trusts you

enough to try and undo years

of awful religious conditioning

because you make it fun

because you make it safe

the sleeping dream - a promise

a fire a glorious release a pen

picked up to begin to write

a notification

and here i am wondering

why im too scared of someone

to feel comfortable writing today

i wish that people didnt do that

were just kind like no i dont want

to piss on you no i dont want your

sleazy dms you dont fucking know me

Bit of the 1.3k words i wrote for my OT3 today under the cut