At a certain point in recovery, you can look back and laugh, even make jokes if you're in the right audience. But the people around you are always going to worry whether or not you're moments away from relapse. It's embarrassing and it's hard.

But sometimes you gotta screenshot the tiktok of a girl saying "I don't make fun of 12 year olds shopping at Sephora cause when I was 12 I was taking apart razor blades so maybe it's not that deep," and cackle to yourself. Cause yeah... I haven't hurt myself in almost 12 years. ✨12 YEARS✨ which I never thought I would ever be able to say. But here we are. Things are ok. It did get better... eventually. And I'm proud of myself for actually making it this far.

One time I was so anxious that I woke up the next day covered in hives.

Sometimes I'm so stressed that I get migraines that make me vomit.

Sometimes I have nervous tics where I can't stop shaking my head and gasping.

Sometimes I lose control of my fingers and my whole body shakes.

And sometimes I get so overwhelmed and anxious that I think it might be easier to just *not be here anymore.*

And I think that's why me and my daughter argue sometimes. I have these same exact sensory issues, but I'm old enough and self aware enough to know when to force myself to wear something, eat something, or drink something else. I'm really good at masking the things that eat at me. I literally smashed my finger at work and just squeezed my fist until I finished the project one handed.