erinluv

i define words i don't know when i read (pictured below) (i always wish for a better vocabulary). i lost my lispector book água viva when i was halfway thru but i think i got the jist considering there is no plot. reading laure peignot still. read a DFW essay, have a susan sontag essay book in my luggage for when i finish this on tour. was rereading the gay science during coachella trip bc i love nietzsche...... :P read a catchy acker pocket book called new york city in 1979 when i was in NY bc it felt appropriate.

just like that, it comes rushing in, out of nowhere. they told me this would happen, the flood—

the room is a creamy milky ivory, and a sonorant hiss emerges from the cylindrical object rotating above me, dispensing “snow.” a woman plays the piano indefinitely, amateur yet earnest, and only stops to pour herself more wine, lent et douloureux. she spills increasing amounts of wine on herself and the floor as she proceeds to intoxicate herself further, though her playing remains steady. in an instant, she is clean again, and though she is out of sync, she never stops.

poetic work is sacred insofar as it has the ability to self-violate,

        is it that “writing is a form of therapy, nothing more”

                 not solely.

further, it is baring, a “communication to others of a reason for living,” a reason for living that shifts, sinuous in its nakedness

what is this car called?

*slew of words*

well what’s the coolest thing i can call it? 

how compelling, 

so this is extremely invigorating for me, no matter what happens, but the chemistry is so different—

and you come back to that childlike voice, the one that hasn’t changed. 

different how?

safe, grounded, gracious, sweet, light,

it graces my head

and my thoughts

not in the obsessive, worrisome, unpredictable way

to where i am sitting in the airport

          smiling

                    and i stop to consider if anyone has noticed me smiling to myself. 

when alcohol is involved, some things leave the brain and present themselves later upon spontaneous recall. this can be an enjoyable experience or a debilitating one. 

shame can replace excitement in an instant.

once the framework is established, there is free rein for expression.

touching knees, conversing, 

     i’m not really shy anymore

               i feel really, like, well, 

i guess the term is grounded, but maybe just stoic. 

greatest strength:

or rather, defense mechanism

self preservation tactic

vengeful, but not in an overt way…

the ability to revoke access to yourself upon multiple accounts of disrespect; protect self by safeguarding one’s life, care, love and the privileges surrounding that; revoke access when mistreated. 

the greatest revenge is living. 

the ability to play for time, to note a given situation and act in the long run, calmly, and not in fits and starts of “hysterical” reactions

the wish for debasement, to make people feel sorry for you, pity you, bemoan you, the blackmail of weakness, 

“if you flee you betray me”

i’d like to end on a more positive note.

it is time to edit, to iterate. for reflection, studying, practicing. there is stillness, no unravelling, dismantling, or self-annihilation— for now. right now is repose, ease, serenity, bliss.