schreave

Today I got picked as one of the people to represent for the Ibalong Dance Competition. 

For a moment, I felt really honored. 

I felt like I mattered. It felt very overwhelming that most of the teachers did agree about picking me and letting me join in. It was one of the moments I was surely treasure it was the least I’m expecting to happen. That at some point in life people will recognize me for my passion and my strengths. 

But then. Of course. Life has to be bullshit. 

All of us who got picked weren’t informed about the event we’re joining in since it’s supposed to be announced to us upon the meeting in the lab. But we weren’t entirely clueless. We were hearing bits of information but we’re still not sure if it’s really legit. We still don’t know who and what to believe so we waited till the meeting happen.

But I was positive that it’s one of the things I’ve thought of. My instincts were telling me it was about what i love doing. It was about representing the school. 

If I was a normal person, I would be grateful for it and I wouldn’t even think twice about joining but I’m not. 

Talking about my physical attributes, I’m sure as hell not normal. 

I’m a girl with skin disease. Skin asthma. I’ve been living this ever since I got here on Earth. It has pretty much been with me from the very beginning of my existence and still hasn’t left. 

It’s like I’m living with a big scar I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. And it is the indeed the very reason why I’m hesitating.

Why I didn’t join...even if I want to.

It was the only thing that’s stopping me. When we were gathered for a meeting and was told that they will do a screening on Saturday and will surely get those with flawless skin, that was my cue. That was my cue to exit because I know it’s not for me.

With all my heart, I really wanted it. I wanted to become part of them. But it’s not really meant for me. They told me I should give it a try but then for what? So they can slap me with the truth that I won’t be accepted because of it? To humiliate myself? 

So even if I never wanted it, even if I never wanted to leave...I had no choice.

I left with a heavy heart. It felt like I was walking away from someone I love. It felt like I was being shot when I had to walk away. 

I was at the verge of crying when I went out but then I stood firm. It was like I have to act like it didn’t affect me but deep inside, it did. It did and it fucking hurts. It was way worse than a heartbreak. It was the hardest thing in my life I ever had to do. It was one of the things that made me feel so weak and worthless. It made me feel so little. 

When I walked away from that room, it was like half of my existence was taken away from me. That was my passion. I was walking away from my passion. I had to walk away from my passion. 

All because of these scars. Of this fucking skin disease. It was never meant for me. I know that for sure. But I didn’t know it was possible to hurt me this much. 

The hardest thing I ever had to do was to walk away from something I always wanted to do and I love doing.

And it’s not because I’m being a coward or I’m just too scared. 

It’s because I know it’s not meant for me. I don’t belong there even if a part of tells me that I do.

To those who doesn’t feel like joining just because they think they lack talent or skills, don’t take it as a reason not to grab the opportunity. Because all of those people that was chosen doesn’t have any burden like me. You should be grateful. Anyone would fight for the position you have right now.

I once had the opportunity but It’s not meant for me so I had to let go of it.

Go grab it, pips. That would be an experience. 

It happened. 

The very first time I heard your voice. I still remember how the butterflies appeared for a split second and how nervous I felt. It was all surreal. Probably because everything was new for me. It was like the feeling of entering a room full of people you don’t know but then at the same time, you’re ready to meet and gain new friends. It was like the feeling of trying new food. It was like the feeling of trying to engage on an adventure that’s new to you. It was like stopping at the entrance of the cave, scared of what’s inside, not knowing it’s worth the shot but you still give it a try because you know life is about taking risks and that’s the risk you’re willing to take. 

It felt odd. But it was that odd type of feeling I’m willing to feel again. 

For a moment, cheesy as it sounds, I wasn’t able to process everything. Upon hearing your voice was like hearing my favorite song being played inside the supermarket. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. I thought I would just be totally cool and fine with it. But I wasn’t. It wasn’t. 

Your voice somehow managed its way through my system. Through my mind and my thoughts. Just a mere moment of staring into space, your voice would echo in my mind. It sounds crazy but that’s the truth. 

And this is the part where I defend myself. That I’m not crazy over you. I’m not head over heels when it comes to you. Everything is involuntary. It just happens and believe me. If I had every single chance of blocking you and your voice in my head, heck i wouldn’t even think twice about doing it.

I’m scared. I’m really really scared of how much you can affect me without you knowing it. I’m scared of vulnerability yet here I am unintentionally defying that for you. If I had the choice...If just had the fucking choice, I wouldn’t choose this. I wouldn’t choose this path. I wouldn’t choose this pain. I wouldn’t choose you.

But it’s too late. I got it all fucked up. I already fell...I guess. And I’m sure as hell that it wasn’t worth it. But it’s too late to swallow the words. I just have to deal with the pain until it hurts no more. Continue moving on without him knowing what I’ve been through. Continue with my life without him knowing how confused I’ve been.

I never even thought it was still possible for me to feel the butterflies. All throughout I was feeling it but I was trying to hide it. I was trying to dismiss the thought. I was trying to act normal. I was trying to act like it doesn’t affect me when in fact it does. Really.

And what’s making it worse is that I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not worth it. It was the fate’s bait. And I am well aware that it would bring me no good. It will only make me more confused than I already am. It will only mess up my thoughts again. It will definitely fuck me up

But my heart...my fucking heart always wants pain. It’s a masochist. Engaging on stuffs that will cause too much pain and in the end I’m the one who suffers. And what’s fucked up is that I let it do whatever it wants. 

But even if I did, I was clear and sure of one thing. That that’s only going to happen once. Fate allowed it to happen once and it’s now my turn to stop it from happening it again. It’s now my turn to make sure it will never happen again. 

Just this once. Just that night. Just that night I let myself commit a mistake. Just that night, I made a fool out of myself. Just that night, I let my heart do what it’s been longing to do. I let my heart do the work. I gave my heart a chance. A chance that will only happen once. 

And that’s it. That’s just it. That was it. It ends there. Everything ends there.

It’s time to wake up. Dream’s finally over. Time to stop getting my hopes up. Because truth to be told, I don’t deserve this. Nobody does. And I don’t want this. I never wanted this. But it was my fate and I can’t do anything to stop or control it. 

I’m long done with this. I’m already done with this part. I don’t want it to happen again. 

But hey. 

Honestly, I still don’t know what to react about the new bunch of people I’ll be with and I’ll be dealing with for the rest of the school year. I mean, yeah, sure, I know most of them but then the atmosphere...kinda feels weird. 

I was used to the little changes and being with the same people for the past 4 years that I’m finding out so hard to picture a school year without being with them in the same room. Sounds dramatic but that’s what I feel.

On the other side, I’m really happy that I got two of my bestfriends with me, I got a few people from Milton that I’ll be having as my classmate. 

All I’m worried about...are the changes. The adjustments I’ll be making. The adjustments we’re all going to make. I’m not just worried, in all honesty. I’m scared. Too scared about what’s bound to happen. I’m scared about anything that has something to do with changing.

I know for a fact that’s inevitable but I just can’t help but feel bothered about it. For sure I’ll be able to accept things the way they will be but that’s going to take a lot of time. And I know for sure that’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Nevertheless, I’m not closing doors. 

To my new classmates, I’m looking forward to the memories. Let’s not fight, okay? 

To the old ones, let’s not forget about each other, okay? And see you around the school hallways hahaha. I’ll be missing you. Really. 

I’m getting tired. I’m tired of letting myself believe that I can do something about it. I’m tired of hanging on to something i know I’m better off letting go. I’m tired of being scared to lose what I really don’t have in the first place. To have something half way is way worse and harder than not having it at all.

I just came into a realization that I can never ever keep on doing things that can hurt me. I can never want something that runs away from and doesn’t even want me. I can never push things to be near me. I can turn him into a poetry but I can’t make him love me. It’s nice to know that at some point I was this special person to him but that’s just it. I can’t hope for something more than that.

He decided to pull some strings but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to change my mind. Believe me when I say I can fight for something for a long time. I can fight for something for as long as I can. But not when it’s not even giving me reasons that it’s worth fighting for. I can tolerate pain. I can endure the pain. But I really just don’t see the point of suffering too much, the point of enduring this pain when it’s not even worth it at all. It’s like bleeding for nothing. It’s like bleeding but not because I was stabbed by somebody else, it was bleeding from stabbing myself when I can definitely stop myself from doing it but I didn’t. Because again...I thought it was worth it.

I was really happy. Really really happy. Even at the last moments he made me feel happy without him even knowing it. But things must come to an end. I can’t keep on holding onto something doesn’t want to hold me. I may be overreacting but this pain can ruin me. I don’t even know myself anymore. And that’s the last thing I want to happen. Not again.

I don’t know how to end this entry. And I think I’ll just leave it like this.

Maybe we were never really meant for each other. And I have nothing against it. But I’m glad that even for a sheer moment, it felt like we were.

I haven’t written anything here for the past few months but that doesn’t mean I didn’t go through hell or anything serious Actually, the very reason why I decided to write tonight was to update this so called diary of mine.

We’re going to Caramoan again on Saturday for a vacation. I’m with my guy best friend and mom’s with her friends. I’ve been to that island for how many times already and I should actually get used to it but I still find myself falling in love with that place...which is i don’t know? Weird? 

So yeah. I just got back from writing and these past few weeks I don’t know what’s with me but I can’t seem to find the inspiration to write what I started. I thought I was only having a writer’s block but then it was constantly happening I knew for sure that this isn’t just writer’s block. I don’t know how to end my story. And for my other story, I don’t know how to start it. 

Don’t get me wrong. I looooove writing. But sometimes, I let the pressure get into me. And when I think too much, my pessimistic side would tell me I’m better off as a reader. I don’t know. I’m just really finding it hard to develop a good plot that’s worth reading. 

So I thought maybe this vacation can help me. Maybe if I had a moment of silence with just the sea and the breeze, I might find the willingness to continue. Maybe...just maybe...if I had a moment away from everything else, I might forget about him. 

I really hope I’d be back on track after this vacation. 

I really really hope so.

I’ve always been thankful for my ability to manipulate words and use them to express my thoughts. But actually, it’s both a blessing and curse to be able to do such thing. The words I write are the ones who bleed for me. The words I write use are the ones who cry for me. They probably think it’s all about the good thing. Truth is, it’s not. The words that I write are like guns and knives all aimed at me and they only do two things; ease the pain or make it worse.

I decided to open up to my friends. I told them a quarter of what’s going on in my mind, but not everything. There will always be thoughts I should only be the one to know. No one else. Not even the world. Just me. 

So what did I tell them? All my confusions. How frustrated I am to myself. How lost I feel. How bothered I am. How stupid I am to think of these stuffs now. Everything. I just felt like I needed to say it to them. I just felt like I needed someone to listen. Because if not, I’ll probably don’t know what to do anymore. And I fear the day I might just explode like a ticking bomb. And that’s what I hate the most. Showing a piece of my vulnerability.

I always tell myself that maybe...just maybe...it’s the right kind of love. But definitely the wrong timing. Maybe it was something else. Or maybe...it will be worth it. But up to when? To what extent?

He was never supposed to be a bother to my thoughts. He was never supposed to see a part of me. 

I was never supposed to feel this way. 

It felt a hundred times worse while I was trying to tell them my side. I should feel happy  while narrating to them our conversation. Talking about him back then was a good thing for me. In fact, it somehow makes my day a little complete. But I guess right now...I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. 

Instead of being happy, the sadness was rather dominating. The sadness starts to kick in and eats you up. Affects you’re whole being. Lets you think things that wasn’t even there in the first place. And the worst part? You can’t do anything about it. The only thing you can do was to let out a deep sigh in front of them. Just to stop anything that’s on the verge of falling. You become afraid to see you cry. Not because you don’t want to see them you’re vulnerability but because of the absurd fact that you’re crying over someone you barely knew. And was close to being a complete stranger. It was like knowing you are in pain and you are feeling the pain but you don’t where exactly it’s coming from. You don’t know where to make a remedy. You don’t know where to stop the bleeding so you just stay still and let every pain in your body kill you. It just...sucks.

I’m looking for answers. I have a lot questions in my mind I can’t seem to answer. And it’s sad how I’ll only get to hear the answer from him. And I’m only gonna get the answers I’ve been looking for once I asked him straight to the point. 

I’m afraid. Whether the outcome is a good or a bad thing.

It’s hard to read him and his emotions...much harder since he’s halfway across the world. And maybe not being able to see him adds up to that. 

It’s hard. Really hard. I feel like I’m the only one who can feel the urge of wanting to know him better. I was hoping to find him on the other side. But I guess I can’t picture it out anymore. It’s like convincing yourself it’s gonna be worth it even if you know half of it won’t be. It’s like drowning and seeing someone standing at the shore noticing what’s happening to you and not knowing whether he’ll do whatever it takes to save you. It’s like standing at the edge of the cliff not knowing whether someone’s gonna pull you back and say it’s dangerous because he/she cares for you. 

It’s like we’re living in a parallel universe and I’m the only one who has the guts to try and reach him out. How complicated can it get?

You see, he’s a mystery. 

And even after knowing a few things about him, he still is. 

But he’s the type of mystery I’m willing to decipher even if I don’t have the slightest idea of what lies beyond.

But I guess, ever since he was taken for granted, he made it so hard for him to be solved.

The walls around him right now is even higher than before.

He made it so hard for anyone to climb on. Especially for me.

So damn hard...it’s getting tiring and anyone who would dare to climb it would just walk away.

Not even having a glimpse of what lies beyond those walls. 

Leaving empty and shattered.

And honestly, I can see from myself being able to experience those things.

YEAAAAAAAAAH! *screams incoherently*

It was all unexpected. Really. I’m torn with not expecting to win but wanting to win. Honestly, with the little preparation we had, becoming the champion was the last thing we’d ever imagine. We were at the verge of giving up. We had problems the day before the actual competition and was only able to fix the whole choreography on the day of the competition--which is morning, btw.

I offer this glory to God. This wouldn’t be possible without His guidance. We offer it all to Him. By far, the best Christmas Gift I’ve ever received. 

And ofcourse, my fellow mates--family. I’m proud to have these guys waiting for me at the end of the line. They’ll always be the people I’ll choose to be with. I asked God for happiness. And He gave me these people and this award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your back to back champs--

10 MILTOOOOOON!

And to all my classmates whom I consider my home, you guys are the best. The best Christmas gift I ever received this year. You made me so proud. No words can describe how proud I am to have you by my side. Thank you, mates. 

So basically, I have no idea why i’m writing this and why I came up with this crap. This is will literally just contain random shitty things I would most likely do if I ever did have a boyfriend or if someone would ever dare to date me lol

Tbh, I’m one of the NBSB squad. Sure, I’ve fallen in love and was able to experience its bad side but that was just confirmation of mutual feelings. There wasn’t any girlfriend-boyfriend label involved. 

Okay. But really, though. I shall proceed to the main game. 

1. I’m not the jealous type of girlfriend. It won’t really bother me if my boyfriend has girl-friends or if he hangs out with them. I usually trust my significant other that much to the point that it’s perfectly fine to me if say for example he’s gonna be paired with another girl for a project or whatsoever. Just tell me the reasons and I will be the understanding one. I’m not really just into the idea that just because I’m someone’s girlfriend, doesn’t mean his attention should only be mine and that I should be the only girl in his life. That’s too much. I don’t like that person to feel like I’m getting them tied up to me. He has the right and can live his life the way he wants it and still do the stuffs he should do as my boyfriend.

2. This actually has something to do with the first one. Yes, I’m not the jealous type of girlfriend. I don’t usually get jealous but if I do, he probably did something and passed the danger zone. Or she probably did something that made me feel uneasy towards her real intentions. Both or one of them have gone overboard. And believe me when I say I won’t easily admit that I’m jealous but at the same time it’s already quite obvious with my actions and the way I speak.

3. If you’re not into fangirling as much as I do, then I respect that. Just don’t say anything towards them because I’m pretty much sensitive when it comes to the things I love and love doing. Say for example I’m a fan of this certain kpop group or artist, I’m not gonna ask you to love them or also be their fan. Just understand and that’s it. We cool. *wink* 

I’m also fond of getting too attached with fictional characters (i’m a bibliophile, duh!) and really treat them as if they’re real, cry over them, get over them and even tell them stuffs you’’ll really find weird but then again, just try to understand. That’s all I’m asking for...and patience. Hahaha!

4. I’m not clingy. (i told you i’m not a girlfriend material, lol) Wait, lemme rephrase that. I’m not completely not clingy. There are days I’m not and there are days I am depending on my mood. But most of time, I’m not. 

But since I rarely show ‘too’ much affection towards my significant other, I guarantee you that I always give back. I always make sure I would also do my part. And sometimes It’s way beyond your expectations. When I make it up to my significant other, I double the effort. I return it twice because if he did an effort  and can do stuffs for me then why won’t i?

5. There are times I don’t know how to express my feelings. And there will be times I’m hard to understand. There will also be times I look like I don’t appreciate stuffs and it’s not a big deal for me, but believe me when I say it is. I suck at making someone feel appreciated (like i told you, im not clingy and rarely do i use sweet words) But hey, my future significant other, if you happen to read this by any chance, I want you to know that all your efforts are highly appreciated. 

6. I would probably bring my boyfriend everytime I go to a bookstore and let him wait for me until I finish reading and buying that book I wanted to buy just to test his patience.

7. Having me as a girlfriend doesn’t always mean you have to be by my side 24/7. I get to live my own life and you get to live yours. I get to have my personal space, you get to have yours. It’s actually quite a good thing for me if my boyfriend and i won’t see each other everyday because we’ll have a valid reason to miss each other lol 

8. I’m not into the idea of sharing the passwords of my accounts to my boyfriend and vice versa. Being in a relationship doesn’t always mean ‘what’s his will be yours and what’s yours will be his’. That’s where everything starts. I really hate it when a person’s trust and love is being measured based on his/her guts to give you his/her password. You still have to have your personal space. Believe me when I say sharing each other’s passwords would create situations and problems that aren’t even there in the first place--especially if your other half is the jealous one. He/she would over think, get paranoid and even the little things that don’t mean a thing would already have a whole different meaning.

9. My daily mood is very hard to deal with. It will always change is just a matter of second and I’m not even kidding. One moment we’re good, the next thing you know, we’re not talking to each other. 

10. I really despise it  when someone doesn’t appreciate my efforts as a girlfriend. Especially if I really made an effort to give you something, to say this to you, to make you blah blah and you didn’t even bother acknowledging what I did. I don’t like that.

11. Don’t give up on me easily when we’re having a fight. I tend to do the same. Once you stop talking to me, I would do also the same thing even if I really don’t want it. I value my pride sometimes you’d be so annoyed you’ll not be able to convince me to forgive you. But that’s just sometimes. If you swallow your pride for me first, then I’ll most likely do the same--depends on the situation.

12. NEVER. EVER. CHEAT. ON. ME. I SWEAR. TO GOD. I WILL. NEVER FORGIVE. YOU. 

But then I found myself doing the same thing

The only difference is that the paper stayed empty for quite a long time 

And this time, I was lost for words

For a moment, I can’t describe what exactly I felt

Not because my heart was so happy that I ran out of words

But because just like the paper, I knew inside I felt empty too