My Skin And Bones Have Seen Some Better Days

Doing pretty good with May so far, the beginning started shaky as my boyfriends brother and his band arrived in May 1 for a weekend long stay from Florida while they played shows around New England and it was my boyfriends birthday, so a lot of eating out.

My weeks with ww start on Fridays and I am already killing it which is big for me cause I usually fail on the weekends.

I also pretracked my whole day for tomorrow cause we’re planning on having Boston market for dinner and I wanted to make sure my day was in plan.

Hopefully I can keep it up through the week, my grandmother passed away unexpectedly Friday night, so I have the funeral on Wednesday and I am not sure where they are planning on having the receptor after. My grandmothers passing is so weird to me, we aren’t close with my dads side of the family and she wasn’t a warm loving grandma so I feel more guilty than sad. Guilty that I don’t really feel sad at all, guilty that I’m dreading having to socialize with a family I do not know well, guilty that I find this to be inconvienent that I now have to take off a day of work, guilty that I’m more upset over the fact my brother is going on a business trip so I have to go to this thing without him.

But anywho, here’s a picture from when I was feeling myself yesterday when it was 70 and sunny after a month and a half of rain and cold.

Honestly, didn’t do too bad for April considering how this month started. A lot of my no blue dot days aren’t because I went went over my points but because I forgot to track.

Works been absolutely crazy and won’t calm down until November, but I’ll make it through it.

Just getting through this week, and then I have a half day Friday, following my boyfriends brothers band on their tour in CT,MA and NY, then a day off on Monday with my love for his birthday.

Just enjoying the little things lately.

Also, the Jonas brothers are announcing a tour tomorrow and I am UNSTABLE

Life’s been crazy since my boyfriends been home from the hospital. We’re slowly getting back to normal.

The upside is my weight is down, as of this morning (4/21/19) my weight is 175.4, which is the lowest I’ve been in a while.

I feel I’m finally in a place where I can focus on my eating, so this weeks goal is to get blue dots in weight watchers every day!

The semester ends in 3 weeks and I can finally get back to the gym after that.

The most important thing tho, is I’m feeling extremely confident in my body, and that’s a huge thing for me emotionally.

So here’s a picture from today!

I’m laying in bed shaking and crying. I threw up earlier. My anxiety about this is not ok.

I would feel much better if he was going to work to. But he’s not. He’s home without me.

I have lost 7 pounds since Friday night.

Part stress. Part not having an appetite.

I’ve also barely slept.

His mother is driving me up a fucking wall cause she doesn’t want to listen to anything I have to say about his care everytime I say “he can’t walk down the stairs when he’s home alone” she comes back with “yes he can I’m his mother I say what he can do”

She doesn’t see him struggling to get out of bed. Or limping around unsteady on his feet. She doesn’t get a say. If she wants a say she can keep track of what time he took his medications, she can ask him what’s hurting everytime he makes a noise or a face. She can sit on the edge of the tub while he take a piss or a shit, she can sit on the toilet while he’s in the shower. I haven’t even been back to work yet cause I’m so anxious about leaving him alone.

She fought with me cause she wanted me to take a picture of his truck when we went to the police station, we told her she could see it when it was home I didn’t want a picture to remind myself of the god awful experience, our best friends drove by the accident as they were towing his truck away, they said it was HORRIFIC, my best friend is still having nightmares about it. I don’t want fucking photographic evidence. She wants to fight me on everything and it’s getting to the point where I can’t hold back fighting her.

But I can’t get the feeling of wanting to throw up to go away. Probably because I haven’t slept since Friday. And even then it was only an hour of sleep before the mayhem.

His cousin was one of the EMT’s who arrived at the scene. He didn’t even recognize him. He had no clue who he was until after the fact. The cops wanted to pronounce him dead at the scene. But the EMTs wouldn’t let them.

Last night at midnight began the absolute most horrifying 12 hours of my life.

The police knocked on the door. My boyfriend was in the hospital after a horrific accident.

It was awful. He is the luckiest boy in the whole world. But I will never get over this fear.

As I lay in a recliner next to his hospital bed I can’t help but be so so so so so thankful to his gaurdian angel above who made this miracle happen.

Please hold the ones you love close for me tonight. I know I am.

Bought these jeans at Charlotte Russe during their closing sale.

Lol, I was talking all this shit that I was back and signed up for weightwatchers and went back to the gym.

Then Wednesday I was planning to go back to the gym but had a migraine that forced me to leave work early and crawl into bed and cry. I went over my points that day

Yesterday tho I finished the day with 7 points left but gained 2 pounds 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I woke up with another migraine and as much as I would like to call out of work, I’m planing on working extra hours today which I so desperately need.

After weeks and weeks and weeks of telling myself that I was gonna eat right and work out and focus on my self and not doing a damn thing about it YA GIRL DID IT.

ReJoined weight watchers after finding delicious weight watchers meals that I wanted an excuse to eat.

And I went to the gym today!

Got back from a mini vacation to Orlando last night and now ready to work on myself (body and life)

Today my boyfriend and I both took off work to get back in the swing of things.

Going to look at cars cause I’ve paid about 1/2 my car off and want another one, I need AWD for CT snow storms. Bluetooth would also be nice. So we’re going to see what is available and what I can get as a trade in.