OOC: Blog is run by @catsithkelpie , who also happens to run @tma-rpverse and many many other TMA blogs
OC Intro Post, containing most info on my TMA OC,
Erik Lovman:
š¬ 2Ā Ā š 1Ā Ā ā¤ļø 17Ā Ā·Ā My TMA Self-Insert, Erik LovmanĀ Ā·Ā
Picrew concept design & faceclaim (because I have prosopagnosia)
Chibi style design (
"What is The Consumption?" (+And what happens if you try to fight it?)
Read his statement
Read London Fog's summary (Mostly Sharkivist)
Get a feel for Pettea Rivalry (weird time inconsistency warning)
Look at London Fog's designs
Look at Tim's design (B&W)
See Erik's siren form
Look at this awesome fanart that is the best ever
Oh now there are TWO fanarts that are the best ever. Let's never stop making fanart guys
Listen to Erik's playlist (Tumblr Post)
Meet the Team
Meet Erik's System
Read misc fics, poems, statements, etc
"Canon" RP Chains. (AU), Pt. 1, Pt. 2
"Canon" but Erik isn't there
((More important info below the cut.))
(In character, transcript.):
[QUIET AND MUFFLED SOUNDS FROM TWO PEOPLE.]
ERIK: "What's that? Oh- it's recording?
"Well, what do I say? For... Tumblr? transcript-? Ohā this is gonna be transcribed? Well why not just write it out, that seems like a waste of ta-
"Right, right, sorry, Martin. Yes, too late now. I'll start."
(louder) "Ahem. Right, yes. Erik Lovman, assistant archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Recording... an introduction to my new workplace Tumblr blog? Apparently the institute is encouraging its employees to socialize outside of work, as well as try to advertise the institute to a wider audience to encourage more statements.
"...And apparently, this is non-negotiable."
(Quieter) "You're sure this is mandatory? This seems like a rather roundabout way to- oh, yes, I'll turn it off-"
[CLICK.]
Tags:
#erik lovman tma oc: General OC tag, for anyone to use
#london fog au: Jon x Erik x Martin
#scorched mirror: Erik & Tim
#teateethtape&tim: All 4
#sharkivist: Somewhat in-character but non-canon interactions with @london-fog-archivist
#pettea rivalry: Same as above but with @mkb-london-fog
#siren culture: OOC or in-character posts about siren culture, rps excluded
#not safe for archivists: Stuff Erik doesn't want Jon to see (suggestive content and gay stuff, mostly) [no longer used]
#waterlogged transcripts: Transcripts and statements
Additional info:
This is a selfship blog! I actually have headmates of Jon and Martin now who I'm dating in-system. I have a friend who's Martin fictionkin, he used to show sometimes on this blog, and we both selfship with Jon.
Just for your convenience, Erik's pronouns are anything but she/her, and he uses masc, neu, fem, and nonhuman terms, same as mod's. Canonically he doesn't know about neoprns or nonhuman terms yet.
He's 24 years old. (I'm not exactly sure when his birthday is and what day it is in RP)
Has an accent, but it's not very consistent or placeable. Like a pirate's, with a crooning quality to it. He used to live on an island that served as a domain for a pod of cannibalistic "sirens," causing the unique blend.
Yes, that means Erik is a siren. They're constructs of The Web and The Consumption (my headcanoned fear entity) and function a bit differently than in typical folklore. Read Drowning in Secrets and Drowning in Lies for context.
Based around S2, but we're going into S4 now.
Magic Anons are VERY welcome, and NSFW is fine, but I have the right to answer or not answer them as I please, including Erik having a negative reaction (aroacespec). You can flirt with him as well but same rules.
You may also throw Erik at other blogs.
You may notice his personality switch from professional and reserved to impulsive, informal, and a "bit" freaky/salacious; this is intentional. He puts on an act for work.
He is an archival assistant to Jonathan Sims, who he's developed quite some strong feelings for. Sirens have an instinct to mate for life, with however many other sirens (or humans, or avatars) they choose. Jon is Erik's mate, and it's been made official with a bite scar (and a siren-tooth necklace, since Erik refuses to bite Jon.)
Erik and Martin Blackwood used to have a petty workplace rivalry over Jon's affections, but after Erik shared his darkest secrets with Martin, confessed a desire for them to both get the guy, and they both put in effort to put their past behind them, they're friends now.
Erik also gained a couple crushes from his misadventures. An alternate, future version of Jon (though he doesn't remember), and an avatar of The Corruption he met at a crystal shop. He hasn't had the best luck with romance, though. That crystal shop situationship broke up with him.
Every time he travels the multiverse, everyone's memories of the event get erased, leaving only physical evidence. Erik found a book that lets him travel the multiverse at will, and without losing his memory, but at the cost of swapping in that universe's Erik. This can and has had some lethal side-effects.
I HIGHLY recommend reading the canon rp chains. This whole blog is like a collaborative fanfic project meant to be viewed and enjoyed. We even have a group chat (which you can be invited to if you play a reoccurring character.)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldnāt apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didnāt help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
āItās not like we had much to begin with.. but..ā [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] āI.. I did miss you..ā
āYou tell meā [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
āWeāre brokenā [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didnāt know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] āWhat is wrong with us, really? I canāt believe myselfā
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a momentās notice.]
āY-yeah, itās fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. itās.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.ā [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
āI uh-.. Iām struggling here, give me a sec..ā
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didnāt help.]
āYeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.ā [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but heād only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erikās clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldnāt speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldnāt apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didnāt help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
āItās not like we had much to begin with.. but..ā [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] āI.. I did miss you..ā
āYou tell meā [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
āWeāre brokenā [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didnāt know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] āWhat is wrong with us, really? I canāt believe myselfā
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a momentās notice.]
āY-yeah, itās fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. itās.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.ā [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
āI uh-.. Iām struggling here, give me a sec..ā
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didnāt help.]
āYeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.ā [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but heād only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldnāt apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didnāt help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
āItās not like we had much to begin with.. but..ā [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] āI.. I did miss you..ā
āYou tell meā [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
āWeāre brokenā [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didnāt know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] āWhat is wrong with us, really? I canāt believe myselfā
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a momentās notice.]
āY-yeah, itās fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. itās.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.ā [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
āI uh-.. Iām struggling here, give me a sec..ā
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldnāt apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didnāt help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
āItās not like we had much to begin with.. but..ā [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] āI.. I did miss you..ā
āYou tell meā [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
āWeāre brokenā [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didnāt know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] āWhat is wrong with us, really? I canāt believe myselfā
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldnāt apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didnāt help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
āItās not like we had much to begin with.. but..ā [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] āI.. I did miss you..ā
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didnāt pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
āRight yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.ā [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as theyād been for a few minutes now.] āI- I know itās not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of himā
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Timās eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
āYou have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?ā [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldnāt keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasnāt about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
āYou said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- itās fine if youād rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?ā [He didnāt know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that thereās no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Timās face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erikās figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
āYouāre horrible..ā [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] āCan i..?ā
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? Whatā No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
āI donāt need you taking care of me!ā [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
āI- Iām doing fine on my own, I donāt..ā [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] āWhy are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didnāt fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isnāt giving it back!?ā
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erikās words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasnāt wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
āR- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know itās bad, look-!ā [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] āBut I-.. I still..ā
[He couldnāt finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldnāt tell who was in the wrong, and he didnāt know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erikās. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions heād been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
āItās- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- Iām so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I canāt.. I hate it but-ā [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
āYou got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I wonāt.. I said I wouldnāt ask again, I wonāt. Shit, I canāt deal with this..ā
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "Iā I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
āItās.. fuck why would you be sorry?ā [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] āYou- I donāt.. I canāt..ā
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Timās eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the sirenās mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasnāt much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldnāt bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasnāt sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last theyād seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didnāt ask for, or maybe he did with how heād caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didnāt look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldnāt cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
āMartin!?ā [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man heād being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] āWhat the fuck- are you doing..?!ā
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
āā¦fuck.ā [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
The phone rang. At first, Jon might have dismissed it as a spam call, but then it kept calling, from that same number, over, and over, and over...
When Jon finally picked up the phone, he heard Erik's voice, sounding seconds away from heartbreak.
"Jon..? Is that you...?"
Erik?! I- Youāre- I thought you-! Are you alright?! Where are you?? (Jon immediately stood up from his seat on the couch and started to pace, fidgeting with his ring. That was Erik. He was back. Jon fought back tears as he waited for Erik to respond. He hasnāt realized how badly heād missed that voice.)
"I wanted to know if you came back to us. I'm sorry I took so long to come back, myself... I'm still not sure it was the right decision. Uh- anyways... Can you come pick me up? Or send someone? Not Tim-"
The speed with which Erik specified anyone but Tim betrayed his lingering guilt about the whole... bite situation.
(Jon bit his lip. Martin wasā¦ working. Jon would go pick him up by himself. The only question is how? Itās not like he has a car. Heāll call an uber or something, he just needs to get to Erik. Maybe he can use Erikās truck?) Iāll come pick you up. We can talk more when I get there, okay? Can I use your truck?
"Yeah- Yeah, you can use my truck, Jon..." The question seemed to amuse Erik, judging by the disbelieving laughter in his voice. Jon Knew that Erik would let him use his truck, his house, his entire bank account- anything he asked.
"I-... Nevermind. I'll tell you when you're here."
Iāll be there as soon as I can. Stay safe, please. (Jon rushed out to the truck, Knowing where the spare key was kept and grabbing it. He didnāt even bother to wait until Erik hung up.)
(Jon didnāt even know exactly where Erik was. He just kept on driving trying to find a cafe near the beach. The only thing that mattered to him right now was finding Erik. It had been so long since heād seen him, and he couldnāt deny that waking up and hearing that he was gone stung.)
(Eventually he found the cafe and quickly parked the truck as close as possible. He made his way over to Erik, pushing through people when necessary.)
Erikā¦ (He didnāt know what else to say, staring at the man before him. He looked like hell. Christ, Jon missed him.)
"Jon..." Erik breathed, like he was witnessing divinity. His muscles tensed, and his fingers twitched, like he wanted to reach out but he didn't know if it was allowed.
"I missed you too," he answered to Jon's internal longing. The sound was choked, and beaten, and weak. So weak...
(Jon rushed forward and hugged Erik as tight as he could. He couldnāt bear to hear him sound that weak. He wished he could just fix everything, make it all okay, so heād never have to hear Erik sound that defeated again. He let his tears fall, leaving a wet spot on Erikās borrowed shirt.)
Erik hugged him back, a little too painfully tight at first- like he'd forgotten his own strength- before he loosened his grip. Tears started to fall from Erik's cheeks as he full-on sobbed in Jon's arms.
"I love you, Jon... I love you so much. I'm so glad you're alive. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for everything."
I love you. Donāt apologize, Erik you-ā¦you all were struggling. Donāt you ever leave like that againā¦ (Jon meant that last sentence as a threat but it didnāt come out quite as intimidating as he wanted it to in between his sobs.) I love you and I missed you so much. Iām so glad youāre still here I- (His grip on Erikās shirt tightens.) I was starting to think you werenāt coming back.
"I almost didn't, but... I needed to know if you were alive. And, now, it's selfish but... I don't want to leave again now that I have you in my arms."
Erik let out a shaky breath as he finally started to relax. "I'm really glad you didn't kiss me. I haven't eaten anything but seaweed and some whalefall in months. I really need meat..."
(Jon tightens his grip on Erik just the slightest bit, as if even the thought of him not coming back could make him disappear. He relaxes his grip soon, after Erik relaxes as well.) Letās get you some meat then. (Jon thought, the sooner he could get Erik fed, the sooner he could kiss him. He quickly shook that thought away out of embarrassment.)
Erik nodded, and pulled away to go and talk to the person who'd helped him out. Then, he picked up what looked like a rusty dog muzzle off of a table outside and brought it with him.
"I picked this up off the ocean floor before coming to land. Figured I'd probably need to put it on... but I didn't wanna freak you out, seeing me with it on first thing- which was probably stupid- uh, but I'm gonna put it on in the car. Unless you happened to bring my clean one from my apartment?"
He made a face like please don't tell me I have to put this disgusting thing on.
Erik. (Jon shot Erik a look.) You are not putting that thing anywhere near your face. Absolutely not. (He sighed fondly.) Just get in the car. I trust you.
"I don't. I'm putting 'that thing' on. You know what happens when I haven't eaten. It's either this or a gag. At least with the muzzle, I can still speak."
Erik wobbled toward his truck, nearly tripping, and caught himself against a lamp post.
"Ah. Right. My legs are a little... Uh, unused to walking at the moment. I was a little wobbly before heading to the ocean too. Uh- now that I'm healed, it'll only be a matter of time before I can walk properly."
He hobbled all the way to the driver's seat and got in, then reached over to pop the passenger door open.
(Jon opened his mouth to argue but decided against it. Erik likely wouldnāt listen to his objections. He sighed.) Fine.
(He got into the passenger seat and looked over to Erik, studying the rusty muzzle over his mouth. He still doesnāt like him wearing that. Just the sight of him in it makes him cringe.) Are you sure youāre alright to drive?
Of course I still love you. Erik I-ā¦ (Jon paused for a moment as he thought of what to say.) Youāve been a steady presence in my life for a while now. Everything youāve done for me, itās helped me in someway and I-ā¦ like I said before, I trust you.
I had an advantage in this situation, Tim didnāt. He didnāt have the Eye keeping him alive. I have a feeling he wouldnāt have survived if you hadnāt been there. You made the right decision, Erik. You care about the people you love so much, itās one of the things I love about you.
(Jonās face was slightly darker as he spoke to Erik, unable to keep himself from blushing despite trying to.)
Erik avoided tearing up, and just gave Jon a watery smile.
"Thanks..."
After a few seconds, he added, "Uhm- a-anyways, my point was, if... If you're still serious about this, about me, I-... I should probably show you what I really look like, one of these days. I had a lot of time to get comfortable being in my- uh, true form I guess- again, I just need a while to get comfortable with the idea of someone... seeing it.
"I-I mean, you definitely Saw bits and pieces of me like that in my... memories... but I don't want you to associate my body with... murder. So, I want you to see it one day, as a positive thing. Martin can come too. We can go down to the beach on a rainy day, and I'll just, y'know, show you. I-I just hope I won't scare Martin."
(Jon nodded.) Whenever youāre ready. Iām happy to go down to the beach with you and see it someday. Iām sure Martin would like to come as well. (Suddenly, Jon was reminded of Martin and Tim. He should probably message them to let them know Erik is back. Especially Tim. Maybe heāll call him.)
I should probably call Tim, tell him that youāre back.
Alright. (Jon opened his phone and scrolls to find Timās contact. His finger hovers over the screen for a moment before he finally calls him.) Tim? I um- Something happened. (Great. Awesome way to say that. He hopes Tim doesnāt think someone died or something.)
[Tim picked up the phone and was immediately met with a very worrying sentence from Jon. He quickly put down his phone onto the nearest flat surface on speaker mode as his left hand started trembling.]
āWhat?! What happened? Are you alright?ā [He responded as soon as he could, letting out a little breath at the end of his sentence.]
Iām alright, Tim. I shouldāve worded that betterā¦ Itās just um- Erik is back. (Jon pauses to take a breath.) He uhā¦ heās okay. Just thought I should let you know. I didnāt want to not warn you.
[Tim froze, his whole body reacting in an instant. He could feel the pain in his shoulder spike up again, but not the heat for once. He was suddenly thankful that he had put his phone down.]
āWhat..? Is he- is he with you right now?ā [Tim was holding his breath for some reason he couldnāt quite pinpoint.] āWhere are you?ā
[It didnāt translate through the call, but Timās hands were struggling at trying to stim at his sides in reaction to the situation.]
He is. (Jon was starting to feel anxious at Timās reaction. He hopes heāll be okay. Heās sure this is a lot for him to deal with.) Weāre in the car on the way back to the house. (Jon fidgeted with his ring. Maybe they shouldnāt go back to the house. What if Tim isnāt ready? Jon wouldnāt want him to spiral now. Not when heās been doingā¦ okay, for a while.)
[Tim stayed quiet for a few seconds, leaving a suffocating silence to sit between them. His voice softened, but not in a reassuring way.]
āHeās with you, right uh-ā [He paused again, shuffling around the room before stilling once more.] āI should move out, shouldnāt I?ā
[Tim looked around at his belongings but his mind was already partially elsewhere. He absentmindedly started packing up his few belongings and clean clothes regardless.]
(Jon looks to Erik anxiously.) Tim I- I really donāt think you have to move out. Not if you donāt want to. If itās uncomfortable to- to stay there, that alright but uh- I donāt think thatās necessary. (He kept looking at Erik for confirmation, tilting his head in question.)
@erik-lovman-tma (if you wanna add something) or @tstoker-londonfog
Erik's voice broke as it came out. "I-... I don't think Tim wants to stay, Jon. How could he? I almost..."
Leaning the slightest bit closer to the phone, Erik uttered, "...I'm so sorry, Tim. I promise you, it will never happen again. I won't ever let myself get to that point."
[Timās breathing audibly stuttered at the sound of Erikās voice. A war was raging inside him between the trauma response threatening to drag him down and the relief that he hadnāt lost another person forever.]
āItās-.. itās over now, donāt worry about it..ā [His voice trailed off, quiet. The room he was in was rapidly chilling, but he couldnāt feel it. He kept robotically packing his bags. Speaking up again, he hoped it would be Jon that would respond rather than Erik, since he didnāt know how well he could hold a conversation with the siren in this moment.]
(Jon took a deep breath.) Aboutā¦ fifteen minutes or so? (He really hopes Tim will be okay on his own. He doesnāt want Tim to move out given this whole situation. The Lonely is lingering too close to the archives and the archive staff and their little group is suffering more than just supernatural issues. Hopefully Jon could find time to visit him regularly. Martin could stay with him but Lukas has been dragging him away too often.)
āRight- okay.. I should be out by the time you arrive. Donāt worry about thatā [Tim shakily exhaled as reached for the proper hook he bought inspired by the one Erik had given him all those months ago, after heād just moved in.] āMake sure youāre both alright.ā
[Tim desperately wanted to ask if Erik had eaten, but he didnāt know if the answer would sink him deeper into the haziness forcing itself into his head, so he kept the question quiet and hoped Jon could deal with the situation.]
We um- Weāll try. Stay safe as well, Tim. Please call me if you need anything. (Jon waited for Tim to make a vaguely affirmative noise before hanging up. He exhaled.) Rightā¦ (He looked back over to Erik, hoping to see how he was doing by just looking at him.)
To be perfectly honest, Erik was not doing too great. He shrunk into himself, and looked near tears.
"I should probably eat something. Uh, I'll pay you back, but can we stop at a restaurant? There's one I usually go to when my cravings are strong... I want to eat as soon as possible. I'll do the rest of the gorging when I have access to my own card."
Of course. I- Anything you need. (Jon hesitated before snaking his hand over to rest it on Erikās thigh and offer some sort of comfort. He gave Erik a sincere look. Jon was going to tell Erik he doesnāt have to pay him back but Erik would make sure that Jon got the money anyway so arguing was pointless.)
A watery smile broke out on his lips. He swallowed, and changed routes to head to the restaurant.
When they arrived, Erik found a spray bottle in the car and spritzed the contents on his face. His features began to shift until he looked like that version of himself Jon met in the alley. Dangerously perfect.
Erik took a deep breath. "Alright, let's go." His teeth had become perfect pearly whites. Human. Erik pocketed the spray bottle as he got out of the car.
(Jon studied Erik curiously. Honestly, he much prefers Erik without the full human glamour. In this form, he almost looks too perfect. Itāsā¦ strange? Jon doesnāt know how to feel about it really. He follows Erik into the restaurant. Heād never been here before so he shadows Erik silently, sticking close by him as they enter the restaurant.)
Erik removed his muzzle at the last possible second, and headed inside. The employee who walked them to their booth seemed to recognize Erik, judging by how they were chatting him up. They asked who Erik had brought with him.
"Oh! This is my boyfriend, Jon. Uh, I may have mentioned him... before..."
Erik let out an awkward chuckle, and the employee met it with a giggle. "Maybe a bit," they agreed.
Erik didn't even have to order. The employee just pointed with their pen, said, "The usual," and then pointed to Jon to ask, "And for you?"
Umā¦ (Jon didnāt know what to order so he skimmed over the menu quickly. He hates going to new restaurants. On top of that, hearing that Erik has talked about himā a lot based on the employeeās reactionā made him flustered.) A caesar salad, please. (Luckily most places tend to have one of his safe foods since theyāre very common.)
(Jon watches as Erik and the sever bantered. Hm. He must come here a lot. Based on their conversation, the employeesā or this one at leastā must know about Erikās wholeā¦ thing. He gave Erik an intrigued look.) You um- You must come here often. (He fidgets with his ring.) The employees seem friendly.
"That one is. They became an avatar after I started coming here. I could smell it on them... so I offered to help them find their feet. I took them hunting for fear and taught them the ropes of ethical consumption. Now we're sort of casual friends. I hope they didn't worry too much when I didn't show up for a while..."
Erik took the silverware on his side of the table and set the steak knife far to the back end, away from him. He seemed satisfied once it was out of range.
Oh. Yes, well I guess that makes sense. Itās good to have someone like that. Something did seemā¦ off about them. I suppose I havenāt gotten the hang of sniffing out avatars yet. (Jon smiles slightly. He looked over and saw the steak knife out of range and cringed a bit. Whatever Erik needs to feel secure, he supposed.)
(Jon blushes a bit at the casual pet name.) I um- I read a couple statements when I woke up? Been reading them periodically when I get tooā¦ hungry. Theyāre not very filling, though. They tide me over but I donāt feel full.
"Sounds like you need a live statement, then. I don't think I ever gave one about when Leitner tried to shoot me? Or how things went when you were in a coma."
Erik sucked in a sharp breath as an image of the gaping wound he created in Tim's shoulder came to mind. He flinched away from it.
"...Actually, let's stick to when I almost got murdered. That'd be more pleasant."
Oh. I- Right. (Jon nodded stiffly. Itās almost laughable that āthe time Erik almost got murderedā would be more pleasant thanā¦ well, any other traumatic event. Guess thatās what you get when your lives are being run by evil fear gods.) You donāt have to. I mean, it would be better than taking statements from civilians butā¦ you donāt have to do this for me. (He looks across the table at Erik thoughtfully.)
Erik frowned, an unreasonable but clearly negative expression on his face. Jon Knew that he was weighing the pros and cons.
"I mean, it's not... fun, reliving my trauma as if it were happening for the first time. But, I like being compelled, and I love you, so I want you to be healthy. I'd rather you take my fear than someone else's... At least I'm consenting. It's ethical."
Erik heaved a bone-tired sigh, shoulders sagging against the back of the booth. "It'll have to wait until later, though. I don't want to do it in public. I know human food probably isn't very filling to you, but I hope you can make do for now."
Thatāsā¦ thank you, Erik. (Jon smiled sappily at him. Erik was so good to him. He felt like he didnāt deserve it. Maybe he was being selfish for accepting it. At this point, that was this least of his concerns. He was allowed to be a little selfish.) I love you too.
Iām not starving, Iām sure human food will do just fine. I donāt think I actually need to eat. I can, I just donāt think I need to. (Jon shrugged.)
Erik nodded. "Right. Sometimes I forget that most avatars don't need food. It's just... hardwired into me as a construct, I guess. So I have a reason to keep eating."
Jon's salad arrived with one that was apparently for Erik. It was more iceberg lettuce than anything else, with croutons, bits of carrots, and cucumbers. Erik happily munched on a piece of lettuce and thanked the server.
"Speaking of eating, try the croutons. The ones here are amazing. I don't know what drugs they put in them to make them so buttery and crispy, but I'm addicted."
(Jon nodded and picked up his fork. He took a bite of the salad with one of the croutons. Holy shit those are good.) Those are good. Wow. (He happily took another bite of the salad.) We have to come here again. These are great. (Jon was very satisfied with his salad. Maybe they could all come here togetherā Martin, Erik, and himself. )
(Tim could also come, if he feels up to it. Jon wouldnāt want to force him. But he would like for him to be thereā for them all to get together and do something again. He misses the rare times Tim would drag him out to drinks with the rest of the crew. Even those good memories are tainted with the knowledge of a friend he canāt remember though.)
"We can come here as many times as you want," Erik assured with a lovesick smile as he watched Jon eat. "I can pay. Or, we can rock paper scissors for it if you want a chance to foot the bill. No cheating by Knowing what I'm going to pick, though."
Erik's lips shifted to one side in contemplation. "I suppose we could always make Martin play in your place, so we can keep things fair."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erikās return. It used to be his familyās house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didnāt even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, heād managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know heād be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when heād had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[Thatās how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldnāt run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
