OOC: Blog is run by @catsithkelpie , who also happens to run @tma-rpverse and many many other TMA blogs
OC Intro Post, containing most info on my TMA OC,
Erik Lovman:
💬 2 🔁 1 ❤️ 17 · My TMA Self-Insert, Erik Lovman ·
Picrew concept design & faceclaim (because I have prosopagnosia)
Chibi style design (
"What is The Consumption?" (+And what happens if you try to fight it?)
Read his statement
Read London Fog's summary (Mostly Sharkivist)
Get a feel for Pettea Rivalry (weird time inconsistency warning)
Look at London Fog's designs
Look at Tim's design (B&W)
See Erik's siren form
Look at this awesome fanart that is the best ever
Oh now there are TWO fanarts that are the best ever. Let's never stop making fanart guys
Listen to Erik's playlist (Tumblr Post)
Meet the Team
Meet Erik's System
Read misc fics, poems, statements, etc
"Canon" RP Chains. (AU), Pt. 1, Pt. 2
"Canon" but Erik isn't there
((More important info below the cut.))
(In character, transcript.):
[QUIET AND MUFFLED SOUNDS FROM TWO PEOPLE.]
ERIK: "What's that? Oh- it's recording?
"Well, what do I say? For... Tumblr? transcript-? Oh– this is gonna be transcribed? Well why not just write it out, that seems like a waste of ta-
"Right, right, sorry, Martin. Yes, too late now. I'll start."
(louder) "Ahem. Right, yes. Erik Lovman, assistant archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Recording... an introduction to my new workplace Tumblr blog? Apparently the institute is encouraging its employees to socialize outside of work, as well as try to advertise the institute to a wider audience to encourage more statements.
"...And apparently, this is non-negotiable."
(Quieter) "You're sure this is mandatory? This seems like a rather roundabout way to- oh, yes, I'll turn it off-"
[CLICK.]
Tags:
#erik lovman tma oc: General OC tag, for anyone to use
#london fog au: Jon x Erik x Martin
#scorched mirror: Erik & Tim
#teateethtape&tim: All 4
#sharkivist: Somewhat in-character but non-canon interactions with @london-fog-archivist
#pettea rivalry: Same as above but with @mkb-london-fog
#siren culture: OOC or in-character posts about siren culture, rps excluded
#not safe for archivists: Stuff Erik doesn't want Jon to see (suggestive content and gay stuff, mostly) [no longer used]
#waterlogged transcripts: Transcripts and statements
Additional info:
This is a selfship blog! I actually have headmates of Jon and Martin now who I'm dating in-system. I have a friend who's Martin fictionkin, he used to show sometimes on this blog, and we both selfship with Jon.
Just for your convenience, Erik's pronouns are anything but she/her, and he uses masc, neu, fem, and nonhuman terms, same as mod's. Canonically he doesn't know about neoprns or nonhuman terms yet.
He's 24 years old. (I'm not exactly sure when his birthday is and what day it is in RP)
Has an accent, but it's not very consistent or placeable. Like a pirate's, with a crooning quality to it. He used to live on an island that served as a domain for a pod of cannibalistic "sirens," causing the unique blend.
Yes, that means Erik is a siren. They're constructs of The Web and The Consumption (my headcanoned fear entity) and function a bit differently than in typical folklore. Read Drowning in Secrets and Drowning in Lies for context.
Based around S2, but we're going into S4 now.
Magic Anons are VERY welcome, and NSFW is fine, but I have the right to answer or not answer them as I please, including Erik having a negative reaction (aroacespec). You can flirt with him as well but same rules.
You may also throw Erik at other blogs.
You may notice his personality switch from professional and reserved to impulsive, informal, and a "bit" freaky/salacious; this is intentional. He puts on an act for work.
He is an archival assistant to Jonathan Sims, who he's developed quite some strong feelings for. Sirens have an instinct to mate for life, with however many other sirens (or humans, or avatars) they choose. Jon is Erik's mate, and it's been made official with a bite scar (and a siren-tooth necklace, since Erik refuses to bite Jon.)
Erik and Martin Blackwood used to have a petty workplace rivalry over Jon's affections, but after Erik shared his darkest secrets with Martin, confessed a desire for them to both get the guy, and they both put in effort to put their past behind them, they're friends now.
Erik also gained a couple crushes from his misadventures. An alternate, future version of Jon (though he doesn't remember), and an avatar of The Corruption he met at a crystal shop. He hasn't had the best luck with romance, though. That crystal shop situationship broke up with him.
Every time he travels the multiverse, everyone's memories of the event get erased, leaving only physical evidence. Erik found a book that lets him travel the multiverse at will, and without losing his memory, but at the cost of swapping in that universe's Erik. This can and has had some lethal side-effects.
I HIGHLY recommend reading the canon rp chains. This whole blog is like a collaborative fanfic project meant to be viewed and enjoyed. We even have a group chat (which you can be invited to if you play a reoccurring character.)
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[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[It took them multiple long minutes to finally ward off the thick coating of fog in Tim’s mind. Neither knew how long it had been. Five minutes? Thirty? It didn’t matter, and the mix of jagged humming and constant purring was soothed both of them after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone on. Eventually, when Tim did come back to himself, he found himself still humming, tho more smoothly now, hoping that the moment wouldn’t end so soon. He couldn’t notice himself, but the burning in his side got a bit more bearable, and the closet regained some decent level of heat, if not exactly comfortable yet.]
Erik had entered a state of pseudo-napping from the warmth of Tim's shoulder. He noticed when it had gotten a bit cooler, and opened his eyes to look at Tim.
[Tim nodded when called upon, glancing at Erik as he stayed leaned against him. Some part of him was afraid to move, like one would with a stray cat that finally warmed up to them. The jagged shape of the muzzle leaning against his shoulder hadn’t bothered him, as long as he made sure not to think about the teeth hidden behind it.]
[Tim closed his eyes and cried, still leaning very lightly against Erik, just as much as he was leaning onto him. The heat retreated some more, and so did the cold surrounding them.]
“Yeah.. it’s nice. Guess you did one heck of a good babysitting job then.” [It wasn’t very jokey, even if the phrasing made it seem like one. He exhaled some tension in his body, then remembered something.]
“You have experience with that.. dissociation thing? Martin, well, he had some advice but you noticed much quicker.”
"Is that what it's called? I've just been calling it 'brain fog'... You got all fuzzy, and your eyes lost focus, so I recognized the thing that my brain does. Makes me feel like I'm not me. I can't think, or at least I can't think right. I dunno how to describe it..."
Erik's tail wrapped around Tim. He hoped Tim wouldn't mind.
[Tim definitely didn’t mind, but he wasn’t about to say that out loud.]
“Yeah, for me it’s more like I’m not real, or everything around me isn’t real.. I can’t really feel the things I’m doing and I can’t talk well. At least that’s what I’ve noticed, I’m no doctor. I don’t know if it’s exactly what you have but they sound pretty similar..” [He trailed off, not having noticed when exactly he got comfortable enough to have a conversation with Erik. This was almost brand new territory for them.]
“Guess we can, I don’t know, cope together with our brokenness?” [There was a slight lift to his voice, almost.. relieved.]
[Tim guiltily stayed quiet for a few long seconds, and that spoke just as loud as the words he ended up saying.]
“I.. like this. I’m sure Jon and Martin can wait a few minutes.”
[He had to resist the urge to pet Erik’s ears and tail. They weren’t that close yet. He’s surprised they’re even close at all, though he did hope all this wouldn’t go away once they stepped back into reality.]
"Good plan," Erik agreed again. Little did Tim know that Erik would have absolutely loved to be pet by just about anyone, but crucially, that included Tim.
He let himself relax as the two of them just sat together, enjoying eachother's presence.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[It took them multiple long minutes to finally ward off the thick coating of fog in Tim’s mind. Neither knew how long it had been. Five minutes? Thirty? It didn’t matter, and the mix of jagged humming and constant purring was soothed both of them after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone on. Eventually, when Tim did come back to himself, he found himself still humming, tho more smoothly now, hoping that the moment wouldn’t end so soon. He couldn’t notice himself, but the burning in his side got a bit more bearable, and the closet regained some decent level of heat, if not exactly comfortable yet.]
Erik had entered a state of pseudo-napping from the warmth of Tim's shoulder. He noticed when it had gotten a bit cooler, and opened his eyes to look at Tim.
[Tim nodded when called upon, glancing at Erik as he stayed leaned against him. Some part of him was afraid to move, like one would with a stray cat that finally warmed up to them. The jagged shape of the muzzle leaning against his shoulder hadn’t bothered him, as long as he made sure not to think about the teeth hidden behind it.]
[Tim closed his eyes and cried, still leaning very lightly against Erik, just as much as he was leaning onto him. The heat retreated some more, and so did the cold surrounding them.]
“Yeah.. it’s nice. Guess you did one heck of a good babysitting job then.” [It wasn’t very jokey, even if the phrasing made it seem like one. He exhaled some tension in his body, then remembered something.]
“You have experience with that.. dissociation thing? Martin, well, he had some advice but you noticed much quicker.”
"Is that what it's called? I've just been calling it 'brain fog'... You got all fuzzy, and your eyes lost focus, so I recognized the thing that my brain does. Makes me feel like I'm not me. I can't think, or at least I can't think right. I dunno how to describe it..."
Erik's tail wrapped around Tim. He hoped Tim wouldn't mind.
[Tim definitely didn’t mind, but he wasn’t about to say that out loud.]
“Yeah, for me it’s more like I’m not real, or everything around me isn’t real.. I can’t really feel the things I’m doing and I can’t talk well. At least that’s what I’ve noticed, I’m no doctor. I don’t know if it’s exactly what you have but they sound pretty similar..” [He trailed off, not having noticed when exactly he got comfortable enough to have a conversation with Erik. This was almost brand new territory for them.]
“Guess we can, I don’t know, cope together with our brokenness?” [There was a slight lift to his voice, almost.. relieved.]
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[It took them multiple long minutes to finally ward off the thick coating of fog in Tim’s mind. Neither knew how long it had been. Five minutes? Thirty? It didn’t matter, and the mix of jagged humming and constant purring was soothed both of them after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone on. Eventually, when Tim did come back to himself, he found himself still humming, tho more smoothly now, hoping that the moment wouldn’t end so soon. He couldn’t notice himself, but the burning in his side got a bit more bearable, and the closet regained some decent level of heat, if not exactly comfortable yet.]
Erik had entered a state of pseudo-napping from the warmth of Tim's shoulder. He noticed when it had gotten a bit cooler, and opened his eyes to look at Tim.
[Tim nodded when called upon, glancing at Erik as he stayed leaned against him. Some part of him was afraid to move, like one would with a stray cat that finally warmed up to them. The jagged shape of the muzzle leaning against his shoulder hadn’t bothered him, as long as he made sure not to think about the teeth hidden behind it.]
[Tim closed his eyes and cried, still leaning very lightly against Erik, just as much as he was leaning onto him. The heat retreated some more, and so did the cold surrounding them.]
“Yeah.. it’s nice. Guess you did one heck of a good babysitting job then.” [It wasn’t very jokey, even if the phrasing made it seem like one. He exhaled some tension in his body, then remembered something.]
“You have experience with that.. dissociation thing? Martin, well, he had some advice but you noticed much quicker.”
"Is that what it's called? I've just been calling it 'brain fog'... You got all fuzzy, and your eyes lost focus, so I recognized the thing that my brain does. Makes me feel like I'm not me. I can't think, or at least I can't think right. I dunno how to describe it..."
Erik's tail wrapped around Tim. He hoped Tim wouldn't mind.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[It took them multiple long minutes to finally ward off the thick coating of fog in Tim’s mind. Neither knew how long it had been. Five minutes? Thirty? It didn’t matter, and the mix of jagged humming and constant purring was soothed both of them after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone on. Eventually, when Tim did come back to himself, he found himself still humming, tho more smoothly now, hoping that the moment wouldn’t end so soon. He couldn’t notice himself, but the burning in his side got a bit more bearable, and the closet regained some decent level of heat, if not exactly comfortable yet.]
Erik had entered a state of pseudo-napping from the warmth of Tim's shoulder. He noticed when it had gotten a bit cooler, and opened his eyes to look at Tim.
[Tim nodded when called upon, glancing at Erik as he stayed leaned against him. Some part of him was afraid to move, like one would with a stray cat that finally warmed up to them. The jagged shape of the muzzle leaning against his shoulder hadn’t bothered him, as long as he made sure not to think about the teeth hidden behind it.]
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[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[It took them multiple long minutes to finally ward off the thick coating of fog in Tim’s mind. Neither knew how long it had been. Five minutes? Thirty? It didn’t matter, and the mix of jagged humming and constant purring was soothed both of them after the rollercoaster of emotions they had gone on. Eventually, when Tim did come back to himself, he found himself still humming, tho more smoothly now, hoping that the moment wouldn’t end so soon. He couldn’t notice himself, but the burning in his side got a bit more bearable, and the closet regained some decent level of heat, if not exactly comfortable yet.]
Erik had entered a state of pseudo-napping from the warmth of Tim's shoulder. He noticed when it had gotten a bit cooler, and opened his eyes to look at Tim.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim was unresponsive for a few seconds before gripping into the nearest piece of fabric from Erik’s clothes that he could reach. And by gripping, it mostly meant weakly flexing his hand over the fabric. He couldn’t speak for a while, avoiding looking at anything as his mind raced and fogged up at once. The feeling of derealization was not a new one, but it never got any better. After a while, he was able to quietly hum something under his breath. He kept having to pause for several long seconds before getting a few notes out, but he tried his best.]
Erik instinctively perked his ears up at the sound of humming and tilted his head. He didn't hear any notes he recognized at words, of course, at least not coherently. But, just the sound of humming was comforting to him.
Erik scooted close enough to press their legs together, and leaned against Tim's burned shoulder. It was just on the side of painfully warm, like a nice hot shower. His tail flicked contently, and a soft purr left his throat.
His own purring reminded him of a fun fact he'd learned about cats some days ago, and he tried adjusting the frequency of his purr to the one he'd heard, that supposedly helped to calm people down and soothe pain.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim nodded quietly, and tried to grip at the wall to connect with something sensory, but the texture was too cold and smooth, which ultimately didn’t help.]
“Yeah I.. have been kinda doing that. Since we entered here.” [He muttered, wondering if his words would even reach Erik. Would anyone hear them but him? The look in his eyes was very recognizable, but at least not from anything before the Incident had happened. Tim knew what was happening by this point, but he’d only gotten mediocre at dealing with it.]
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
[Tim nodded lightly, closing his eyes tightly as if fighting something in his mind. He was, in fact, trying to not mentally leave the situation at a moment’s notice.]
“Y-yeah, it’s fine they can lecture us later.. this is just.. it’s.. well, not nice, but good, I guess.” [His chest hiccuped a bit more and his lips weakly turned upwards for a few seconds before he had to take a moment to look back at Erik and gesture at his head.]
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
“You tell me” [Tim huffed in a fit is hysterical laughter. It was muted and pained, a far cry from the sound that used to be oh so common upon his lips.]
“We’re broken” [He rested his head against the wall, arms falling limp in his lap. He was so drained, he didn’t know what his body and mind were even going to try pulling out to deal with all this.] “What is wrong with us, really? I can’t believe myself”
"Jon or Martin would probably be really upset with us for saying stuff like that. Good thing they can't hear us... Unless of course they've been listening through the door. Or Jon's spying. Wouldn't put it past them."
Erik heaved a sigh. "It's kind of nice to have someone validate the feeling, for once, instead of just politely tell me 'No, you're not broken! You're perfect just the way you are!' ...Makes it... easier. Y'know, to- to think about it. To process it. Maybe to actually figure out the answer."
Erik fidgeted with a ring on his middle finger. He'd started accessorizing more as he got more comfortable dressing casual for his job.
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[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim shook as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen in a self-hugging gesture. He couldn’t apply much pressure, and the trembling sure as hell didn’t help, but it was better than nothing. His emotions felt frayed, like they were about to burst from his chest and consume him at any moment.]
“It’s not like we had much to begin with.. but..” [He needed a few seconds of silence to continue his sentence.] “I.. I did miss you..”
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim nodded, trying to ignore the chills dancing across his right arm, which didn’t pair well with the overwhelming heat from his left side.]
“Right yeah.. I just- wanted to offer.” [He turned his gaze away, tears falling freely as they’d been for a few minutes now.] “I- I know it’s not safe, Martin would be so fucking mad at me if I did that in front of him”
[His next chuckle was self deprecating at best, and wobbly with shame and pain at worst.]
"I don't know," Erik muttered, and it was the truth.
"Do we... I mean, could we even repair our relationship after something like this? And if we did, could it ever be anything more than how it was before? Just... neutral? Do you even want that?"
Erik's eyes were full of doubt and heartbreak. He'd had his hopes crushed one too many times to believe anything could go his way.
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim’s eyes and mind were blurring with how much he had to face the situation in front of him, but he tried pushing it back to keep it going at least not horrible.]
“You have a muzzle on, what are you gonna do?” [He huffed, knowing very well a muzzle wouldn’t keep Erik in check if he really wanted to eat him. He knew his argument was flawed, but he wasn’t about to back down when something finally peeked through the dark clouds in his mind.]
“You said you made the choice to not be a monster, you told me that to my face. We- it’s fine if you’d rather keep your distance, I just-.. after all that speech you just did are you really going to turn around and eat me?” [He didn’t know where this false confidence came from, but it was probably from the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there’s no way this is real anyway.]
Erik's lip quivered, and his ears went from pinned behind him to drooping at the sides of his head.
"I- I just... can't. I can't make myself do it. The thought of touching you at all makes alarm bells go off in my head. It's sweet that you want that, or at least that you're trying to do it for my sake, but I'm terrified. If you really want to hug it out, or whatever, I'm gonna be stiff as a board."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
[Tears started running down Tim’s face once Erik finished speaking. He could recognize the crooning sound as similar to the sounds Alealani made towards him, but this one sounded rather heartbreaking. He panicked on what to do, eyes darting across Erik’s figure and finally landing on the muzzle. He gently pulled his burned hand forward, which was still steaming hot inside and unnaturally warm outside, and hovered it over Erik hesitantly.]
“You’re horrible..” [He mumbled weakly, not even trying to rub at his eyes.] “Can i..?”
"What?" Erik asked, before realizing what Tim was referring to. He flinched away.
"What?? What— No!! Are you- well I guess you are crazy, we both are- but no!!!"
Erik did his best to cover his face. "What if I hurt you again??? Sure, I did the stupid meat gorge, but- We're trapped in a confined space, and I know what you taste like- you're the first and last human I've eaten in years- There's nowhere for you to run if things go south! You don't even have a weapon!"
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
“I don’t need you taking care of me!” [He snarled pathetically, backed up against his corner. His full-body shaking told another story.]
“I- I’m doing fine on my own, I don’t..” [He started hyperventilating as he spoke.] “Why are you avoiding me then if you feel bad about this. If I didn’t fuck it up for everyone again- why do you try so hard for someone who clearly isn’t giving it back!?”
"Because I care about you, you dumbass!" Erik's voice had raised to a shout.
"Implicitly as a person, as my mate's beloved friend, and as a member of my fucking pod!! I want you to live so we can finally get over ourselves and talk to eachother! I want you as a part of my life, because you've been part of it since the day I met the man I want to share it with! You have always been here, through all of the crazy bullshit we've dealt with since.
"We're all bound to this stupid fucking job, and that means we have to stick together! The people I care about care about you, and that means that I do too! I want you to be a part of us, dammit! But I went and fucked that up, and I'm sorry!"
The silent tears turned into sobs as Erik gritted his teeth. A quiet, pitiful croon was just barely audible over the noise.
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[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
[The truth of Erik’s words hit Tim like a brick in the face. It was hard to deny, as much as his mind wanted him to do so, that Erik wasn’t wrong in his justification. The closet got colder.]
“R- right I.. I guess. But if you were starving, how were you in the right head space? I, fuck I know it’s bad, look-!” [He gestured at his shoulder that had the bite mark on it, hidden underneath his clothing.] “But I-.. I still..”
[He couldn’t finish his sentence, unable to rationalize or justify what had happened. Who couldn’t tell who was in the wrong, and he didn’t know who this tidal wave of mixed emotions should be targeted at.]
"I should have done everything in my power to prevent it happening. I got too confident in my capacity for self-control, and I was selfish by procrastinating my own physical pain at the risk of your life. It was my fault. I just don't want to do it again, and I want to do everything in my power to, if not make it right, make your life better than it was before I almost ended it. So you can see that you didn't need to ask me to do that."
[Tim had moved back into his old house in a rush once he heard the news of Erik’s return. It used to be his family’s house, built for four people to live in, and now.. simply occupied by one. Once he arrived, he didn’t even want to take in the dusty state of the place. Nothing had moved since he left it, obviously, but that just made his heart ache and the temperature in the room plummet. That night, he’d managed to shakily call the birdsitter Erik had helped him pay for to let them know he’d be picking up three of the only living beings that would love him at his worst the next day. It has been.. nearly seven months since he had seen them, ever since right before the Unknowing, when he’d had the foresight to place them in a temporary -though possibly permanent- residence before everything went to absolute hell.]
[Once he had his birds and his luggage.. mostly unpacked, he had to confront the reality that he had a soul-sucking job pulling him back against his will.]
[That’s how he ended up sitting at his desk in the archives, foot tapping rapidly on the ground, and mind only half-present as he tried to not fall apart with all the ups and downs his life had taken once more. He only had to hope he wouldn’t run into Erik.]
Unfortunately for Tim, nothing ever went his way. Erik knocked on the door, and simply announced, "More statements. I'm gonna leave them outside the door."
Footsteps receded. It would seem fate had enough of a conscience to not force them to interact any more than necessary. Or maybe Erik was just as intent on avoiding Tim as Tim was, Erik, if not moreso.
[Tim was completely quiet when Erik knocked on the door. It was a stark contrast to the way he used to at least let out an affirmative noise, or an annoyed noise, but now? Complete silence. Inside, he was frozen, stuck on how to react to this whole situation. Along with his mind actively setting up walls he didn’t ask for, or maybe he did with how he’d caused this for himself, he had to deal with actually having Erik right there, but so far away at the same time.]
[Tim slowly stalked towards the door, inadvertently letting out the freezing air from inside the room when it opened. Crouching to grab the documents with a shaking hand, Tim didn’t look up to make sure Erik was fully gone, he just hoped they wouldn’t cross eyes. Then, he tried to slink back to his desk like nothing had happened.]
Such a pattern kept up for days, weeks even. Martin had watched with a look of concern as the two of them went out of their way to never speak face-to-face. Martin figured it was none of his business, but Jon was concerned as well, and asked Martin to do something about it.
"You're better with people," he'd said, and Martin had tried not to blush at the compliment.
It fell to Martin to do something about this. So, that's what he did.
Tim and Erik were far from happy to be shoved in a closet together, and eager to get out. Martin tossed a muzzle inside- since he knew Erik would want one- before he slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a chair.
"It's for your own good! The two of you need to talk things out!"
“Martin!?” [Tim exclaimed once the door to the closet was forced shut. Being unexpectedly manhandled had left him shocked enough to not cause a fuss on the way, but now that he was effectively stuck inches away from the man he’d being avoiding all week, the fight had returned to him.] “What the fuck- are you doing..?!”
[He knocked on the closet door with his elbow closest to it before promptly giving up, drained of however little energy he had nowadays. While his voice sounded aggravated, it was only a weak front for the pit forming in his stomach, and his injuries deciding to start throbbing once more.]
“…fuck.” [He muttered, trying to keep his gaze away from Erik throughout all of this.]
[Tim’s eye drifted to look at the muzzle as Erik picked it up and got it secured on his face. His breathing was heavy and his eyes unfocused quickly after getting a look at the siren’s mouth for even just a second. His body tensed while he tried to move into a move comfortable position, but in the cramped closet, there wasn’t much his arms could do to help position him better with their reduced mobility.]
[He couldn’t bring his gaze away from the muzzle. He wasn’t sure if it was because he could finally see Erik back and in front of him after months of him being missing, or if it was because of the item held snuggly to his jaw, a clear consequence of what had happened last they’d seen each other.]
The two of them stayed silent, keeping to their sides of the closet, for a while. That is, until Erik let out in a pitiful, beaten croak, "I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything more, but he did start to tear up, and wiped the tears away with his sleeve while his free arm held him palm up in an "I'm fine, don't try to help," gesture. Not that he really expected Tim to want to help. It was moreso so he wouldn't feel guilty for not helping.
Erik felt like a piece of shit for being the one to cry. He didn't deserve to cry. He was the one in the wrong here.
[Tim sat in silence, his body temperature slowly creeping higher, meanwhile the closet, which should be warm thanks to how cramped it was, dipped lower in temperature than it had been moments before.]
“It’s.. fuck why would you be sorry?” [Tims voice was nothing more than a mumble, but it resonated like a gunshot in the tight space.] “You- I don’t.. I can’t..”
"Of course I can," Erik rebuked at a noticeably higher volume. "Because of me you can't even use your arm properly! I almost killed you! We're lucky Martin threw in a muzzle because I've been terrified I'm going to do it again! How- How can you possibly say I can't feel sorry???"
Erik had an expression of disbelief. He blinked a couple times, just trying to wrap his head around the concept Tim had expressed.
[Tim took a big yet shallow breath before continuing, also raising his voice slightly to match Erik’s. Though with how quiet it was before, it only reached normal speaking level after being raised. In a moment, all the emotions he’d been compressing and trying to move on from since he made his promise to Martin came crashing back down on him.]
“It’s- I asked, you fucking idiot! Fuck- I’m so mad at you, I- but also.. you just did what you should have way before and- I can’t.. I hate it but-“ [His foot started tapping steadily against the wooden floor of the closet. He burned.]
“You got rid of your hunger and you almost got rid of me, that was the point! I- I won’t.. I said I wouldn’t ask again, I won’t. Shit, I can’t deal with this..”
"You asked because you weren't right in the head! It was horrible of me to take advantage of that! It was horrible to even risk it happening! If I had just sucked it up and gorged sooner, I'd have never been tempted to accept your offer, and could have actually helped you instead!"
The tears kept flowing, and Erik just decided to ignore them. "I— I... I rationalized it to myself by saying it was your choice, and that if you truly regretted being saved, that was ultimately your decision. That was bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to murder someone." Erik swallowed bile that had started to build up in his throat.
"You couldn't have been trusted to consent to something like that. You were in the middle of a suicidal episode and couldn't see any path forward. I almost took away your chance to find it. And I hurt you... I can't ever take that back."
