Fangs up

I’m trying to focus more on the positives every morning.

Like Beauregard’s cold little noise pressed up against my cheek or the weight of Ryan’s arm on my hip or John just existing as a person.

That’s all I can think about.

That’s all I can focus on.

This is all my fault.

Gabe won’t tell me directly but

I know.

Why am I married why am i breathing why am I awake why am i in a band why do i do anything?

And it’s like clockwork.

Ryan is holding my hand.

He’s stroking my hair and telling me that he loves me and is feeding me and calling me a baby deer just like he did way back when.

I’m still insanely low but.

I know why I’m married.  My husband loves me.  I am awake and alive and breathing and I love creating music and I love Ryan and you know what?

I love myself.

The worst part is it doesn’t ever sneak up on me.  I can be the happiest boy in the whole world one day and the next just eating feels like the world’s biggest chore and I just want to sleep forever.

The worst part is I had huge plans this week/month.  At the end of this month I wanted to see if we could figure out a double date with me and Ry and John and Stephen and maybe go do dorky fall things.  I guess that’s off the table now.

The worst part is, I know deep down that everyone is so disappointed in me because I keep ruining plans.