i dont ever feel regret i would do it all again

i get the feeling the worst when i draw and post my interests. i dont really know why i feel like this but i think its rooted in some weird self hatred and social norms. ive always thought or myself as a “weird kid” but at the same time i hate people that are normally thought of as “weird”, i dont wanna be like them but then i go home and play dandys world for four hours,,, its objectively weird kid behavior,,,

i do think there is a pretty obvious social hierarchy with todays kids,, id rather not feed into it but its EVERYWHERE i go. i wanna get on tiktok? performative people playing with needohs and bulling people like phibz for their “weird kid” behavior (i dont support phibz but yk their the only example i can think of ((ALSO PRETTY PRIVILEGE ☝️))) when i go to school theres an obvious divide in the different kids (pretty, athletic, nerdy/smart, weird, “hood” (sorry idk what else to call that,,) and the ones that are higher on the “hierarchy” bully the lower ones. i see when i go downtown too, people stare when people dress out of the norm.

i think i really only feel insecure because of how much i think about this stuff, i know i am inferior to other people and they think of me as lower, if i grow up and “act mature” (drop my “weird interests”) i might have a chance at being liked more and not put down like people do to me all the time.

also a lot of my insecurities are coming from isolation and declining mental health i think, i barely have anyone to talk to because right before last school year ended i dropped all my “weird” friends for fear of ruininh my social status (dont frame me as a monster for doing that. none of us ever got along anyway and they were all just rude people in general. i dont have a hatred towards weird kids i just dont want to be seen as one of them and get bulled because of it.) i also had two people someone i was very close to attempt suicide a few months back and its weighing down on me a lot.

in conclusion: my insecurities about my interests are rooted in fear of ruining my social status, and im just an angry miserable person in general

also i finally ripped everything down from the walls of my room :p