eRality

cold to numbness she doesn't stop

the woods are a puzzle piece she will never complete

the pieces just  don't add up

round and round

start and stop are constant

the same really.... 

but she cant stop

the wet clothes are the only memory of reality

splash drop...

mud and water settle

for uncertainty is unreachable...blick

Tom criusing her mind

And as she sleeps all her days

work stuck on rewind,

it’s not her fault she lost love

lust is all she could find.

  Thinks of her life in the past

and tries to leave it behind.

But too many cracks on the pavement,

so she’s in desperation

traumatized she becomes a slave to intoxication,

has no patience,

gave up on life.

What’s the point of living?

Only scars left by the mascara.

Tears to quench her hopeless dreams.

Cause this is life, nothing is what it seems

The whispers..

Whispers of doubt

Deception

Unforgiving truth

I can.

Shadows from the dark tryin to blend in.

I can't help it if I do these things.

I think about these thoughts

about you.

We are like the same..

Right?

But we're not.

We're different.

Very different.

She went by Selita. Her green goddess like eyes that can make your mouth drop by a small glimpse of her. Her exaggerated plump lips were a seducer of their own. Her Richly enthused ebony skin that directed you to her African roots. Oh and let’s not forget about her body. Almost as she was carved out of stone by some prodigy sculptor inspired by an angel. I remember just looking at her knowing that she would be the only one for me. Cliché? Maybe. Though I wasn’t wrong about us ending up together. Let’s just say things got pretty intense and in the end the feeling was left unmutual. She left me for a deadbeat football player who I presumed consecutively got the better of her as I recall an incident with her and a swollen black eye which was certainly not from “falling”.

I remember the day so vividly. Me, opening the door to find my previous girlfriend 4 months pregnant with another man’s offspring. I thought my eyes were deceiving. HER? I thought to myself? The same woman that I had thought was as holy as one could get was standing before me with a child out of wedlock. She came in tears taking me through all the events that had led her to this point of desperation. By the end of everything I stood aghast. I had to process all this information so fast and not only was she telling me, but she wanted my help which I voluntarily agreed to. I agreed to help her as a friend, to take her to her pre-parent classes and even to hold her hand during the birth. Looking into her eyes, you could see the distraught and misery that lied inside them which would make me a fool to deny her of help. So I dare to ask the question again, after showing my kindness, why could you leave me with such a burden?

James was 2 years old now. Yes, I, a single 34 year old guy, have been raising a baby for almost 3years. His 3rd birthday was right around the corner which pushed me to ask myself the big question. What am I doing? He’s not my baby, and she’s not my wife. It’s not my responsibility. I shouldn’t have to clean up somebody’s mistake for my whole life while being in complete darkness about Selita’s whereabouts. It’s a matter of being realistic. Cold hard facts.

I can’t say I haven’t grown to love the kid, on the contrary, also not a day goes by without thinking why this is my place in life. Every time I look at him it’s just a sad reminder of the life of mine that has gone to waste. I know I sound like an incredible douche but it’s the honest to god truth. I’ve kept him with me because of the love I had for this woman. A love so deep that I wait for her everyday hoping and praying that the next knock on my door will be a woman who is finally ready to be a mother. I’d feel wretched to have to tell her that I gave her son up to a foster home and that I’m not exactly sure where he is. I know there’s a part of me that is willing to wait for her forever. But I can’t. I can’t do this to James, I can’t do this to myself, and I don’t have anything to prove to Selita. She chose to give her child up and to do something that bold, there are consequences that come along. I took a profound breath and walked over to the phone.                                                                                                                                                                             

- Wangu