as she seems to understand, his smile becomes softer ― more genuine, rather than a cruel mockery of kindness. she is his sister, of course she would understand. a sense of relief, shoulders relaxing ... but, then, her words that follow, & his mouth almost falls agape with the very thought of it.

" nonsense, " a sharp rejection, an immediate cut to that line of thought. his voice is heavy, & his words are final. " you would never cross me. " & it is a point to only mention her. were he in a better state of mind, a quiet & stumbling voice attempting to justify himself would say through his tears that his father would never do anything to him out of ill will, either. but, light has grown up, soichiro has told him how willing he is to sacrifice his own life for his sense of justice.

if he is willing to die, than it's easier to see him as already dead. whether that death be natural, or at the hands of kira himself, yagami soichiro's selfless justice has already led him to ruin. &, so, the apple truly has not fallen far from the tree.

" i don't expect you to accept this with open arms. " he admits, finally, after a pause that left his confident words hanging in the air. kira does not expect to be readily accepted by others, when a face is put to his title. is it easier to imagine it as something incomprehensible, an angel, a demon, the all-seeing eyes of God who watches over the world from heaven. they do not realize that what they worship once was ― &, still is, for now, ― man himself.

EPHESIANS 4:26-27: BE ANGRY AND DO NOT SIN; DO NOT LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON YOUR ANGER, AND GIVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO THE DEVIL.

rage blossoms in the pit of his stomach at even the slightest thought, a dreamer's mind running wild with the persisting image of the possibility of sayu's body, deceased, laid before him. & in this vision of a cruel hypothetically, light feels the grief that he would feel if it was real. " but, even if you never do, i would never allow anything to happen to you. " it is kira who declares this, kira who replaces this thought in his mind with memories of sayu's bright smile, & times of play in their youth. " if anyone were to try, they would be the criminals, they will have committed a sin―! " to ease his anger, he takes a breath. a perfect crime, & his perfect flaws ... both on display, & only in front of his sister.

" & for that, i would kill them. i would hunt them to the ends of the earth. " & it is said with joy, almost. as if the same kind of promise made to always be by her side, in the same way he promised their father that he would always take care of her. IF SOICHIRO COULD NOT BE THERE FOR HER, EVEN IF LIGHT ONLY GREW DIMMER, KIRA WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER!

" but you ... i would never take your life. no one would. " the weight presses further down on the conversation, suffocating. his hand lands next to hers, atop the book, & his fingers curl around it all the same. almost apprehensive, & in his eyes, a plead. o' sister, do not ponder on a burden that is not yours.

" & my justice can change, i would smite down whoever dared cross me after i grant them a chance ... but, you would never betray me. you are not that kind of person. you are my sister. " you are kira's sister. & isn't that the utmost tragedy, to be kin to a murderer? isn't that the most painful heaviness, to be second born after God? light has always protected her from that pressure, light has always been the one glad to take on the weight so that she never had to. & even now, is glad to shoulder godhood so that she can live a normal life.

she is twelve years old and curious about make - up. the other girls in her class always come dolled up and she yearns to have the same look. soichiro is accepting but knows nothing of young girls, and so the make - up kit isn't used for weeks after it's purchased. she comes home from her dance lessons to light sitting on her bed, his eyes enhanced with an expert hand ( dark lashes and purple lids and no embarrassment of wearing make - up like other boys his age should've been ). he'd sat her next to him and with a steady hand applied mascara, eye shadow. he showed her the best means to contour her face.

that night, they'd ordered a load of her favorite food, and stayed up until sayu's own unsteady hand could mimic what light had done for her earlier. the next, light had meticulously done her nails. she never asked how he learned it, because it didn't matter. he had learned it for her.

because he loves her.

the memory ends and sayu stares at her brother. he's changed. he has done things that no one should do, but. . . sayu sees things that no one should see. it makes sense, in a way, that the both of them have something wrong with them. no, not wrong. . . different. they're different. and they've always been different. with a dead mother and an absent father, they've had to be different than other kids anyway. this, though, is a new different that leaves sayu's stomach churning. she worries she's going to get sick, that the pitiful remnants of her lunch will decorate his floor, this death note that he holds like a lifeline.

❝ i. . . i don't like this. ❞ she says when she feels like she can speak without the threat of vomiting. ❝ i'm never going to like this. i— i can't. it's too much. it's too much, and it. . . it changed you. everything you're saying is crazy, light. you scare me. ❞ the thought of killing for her, of killing anyone who harms her, is beyond terrifying. she notices, too, that their father isn't mentioned here. dread sinks to her stomach, and sayu breathes in deep. ❝ but you're still my brother. ❞

sayu loves light. she has loved him since she gained consciousness. he was there when soichiro wasn't, when everyone else was gone. light will be there no matter what, and she believes that with all of her heart.

her hands rest on light's, and sayu tries to smile.

❝ i don't like this. but i love you. ❞

she tries to smile again. it's a pained one.

defeat. acceptance. love.

for a moment, he is quiet. & then, a sigh.

unceremoniously, he pushes himself up off of the floor with his hand, a couple steps taken towards his desk. " i'll tell you everything, since you surely won't get it from anyone else. " (IF IT WILL HELP YOU BELIEVE ME, HELP YOU UNDERSTAND.) a pen is grasped between the tips of his pointer & middle fingers, ― " &, besides, no one could give you the tale as in-depth as i. " ― & his body language is far too lax as he twists it apart, taking piece by piece & sitting it to his desk, dismantling it like an emotionless machine, like God watching his world under a microscope.

" you can see ryuk, so this should be rather simple to understand. " head jerks slightly over his shoulder, a gesture towards the monstrous companion in his room. as he says this, things begin to make sense to him. their childhood, nightmares that ― when described by his younger sister ― always felt so oddly real. monsters that watch humans for entertainment, that have the ability to steal their lives with as simple as a glance & a choice to write.

it's unfortunate, how wrong she is that her brother would never become a monster like that. with how he reaches towards the drawer of his desk & disarms the elaborate trap set by a paranoid mind to prevent the discovery of his secret. the diary kept, full of genuine memories, is tossed to the side as an afterthought, & the black bound note is slipped out from the compartment it laid within.

even holding it, a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. a sensation of power, of divinity, that no one else could handle the way he does. & it's a smile that remains even as he makes his way back over to his sister, & returns to his kneeled position on the ground.

" with this, " he holds it out, though his grip on one end is a grip like iron, that refuses to have it pried away from him. " i can kill anyone so long as i have their name & face. " one hand moves, the tips of fingers ghost over the cover, before slowly flipping it open. on the first page, a crossed out scribble, & lower down, a name written with such poor penmanship, it was clearly written in fear. it is a name she knows. it is her very own prayer.

but, kira skips over it. & goes page to page. each one after the first full of perfect lines of dozens, hundreds of names. " ryuk dropped it, i picked it up ... &, you can figure out the rest, right? "

a shinigami drops his tool, a human picks it up, & that human is no longer just a human ― but God himself. kira's words mimic light attempting to persuade sayu to answer questions on her own, a joking refusal to answer all of her homework for her. you can figure it out, this is a problem you can solve with everything i have taught you.

" at first ... the guilt was crushing, truthfully. " now, however, the feeling of his own heart in his throat feels like a lost memory. " but the world has to be fixed. if i gave up this notebook, someone else would have gotten it, & one can only wonder what would have happened. "

a glimmer in his eyes, kira tilts his head ever so slightly. " if i let go of this, & grew up to become a lawyer like i've always wanted ... if this notebook was out there, & i made a wrong decision in my judgements, i could have been the one who died, if i was unlucky enough to wrong whoever had their hands on this. " it is manipulative, he knows. but sayu must understand.

when he comes back to kneel with her on the floor, blank eyes stare at the black - bound book in his hand. death note. what a sick, twisted name. she's still trying to piece together everything. ryuk. death note. like misaligned puzzle pieces, she tries to put them in an order that makes sense. light opens the book, and mechanically, she leans closer to read it. the first name, scratched out in what was clearly a panic. the second, with light's shaky penmanship, an answer to a prayer no one else would hear ( bile threatens to rise in her throat; had it been her that killed him, then? light had written his name, but it had been her plea; guilt hits her like a brick, and her hand flies to her mouth to stifle the gasp ).

but, there is no fear or tremor in the pages that come after. light writes these names as efficiently as he writes explanations for math problems that she struggles with. it's horrifying, but more horrifying still is the flawless execution with which he explains his sense of justice. her hand lowers down as light places the book between them, and she hovers just above the pages, filled with judgement and corruption alike. she doesn't want to touch it, afraid that if she does, it will corrupt her just as it seems to have corrupted him. ❝ ryuk. . . ryuk gave this to you. ❞ whether or not it was dropped as an accident or not, sayu finds the blame lies with ryuk anyway. she ignores it, however, despite its attempts at getting her attention now that it knows full well she can see it. ❝ and you took its power for yourself. to bring justice to the world. ❞

none of these are questions. sayu is solving the equation with the clues he's given her, because she knows it's what light wants. finally, she lowers her hand to touch a page. it's just a book. it's just a book, with an immense power. the power of a god. the god that light thinks he is. her index finger traces the names of criminals, of people light saw fit to kill for one reason or another. she thinks about the person who may have been attached to the name; she thinks about the life they left behind, and if they had a family. someone who loved them.

❝ are you going to write my name in here, too? ❞ sayu's voice comes out weak, still, but the tremor has left. she traces over another name. ❝ if i reject you and this. . . whatever this is, whatever you think you're doing for the world. . . am i a criminal, in your eyes? ❞

she pulls her hand back and looks him dead in the eye. kira's stare is firm, and so sayu does her best to match it. whether he's become a monster or not, he's still her brother.

and she finds that nothing he does, nothing he confesses to her, will make her love him any less.

❝ you pass judgement on people. what if that judgement changes? what if someone you decided to let live later crosses you? ❞ she reaches for the book again, and hears ryuk's cackling laugh. finally, she barks a bitter shut up in its direction, before her attention goes back to the present. her fingers close around the edge of the book; not intending to take it, just to hold it and feel the weight of righteousness.

but, it does not scare kira. &, so, with sayu's sweet concern, he only smiles.

MATTHEW 26:41ㅤ―ㅤWATCH AND PRAY, THAT YE ENTER NOT INTO TEMPTATION: THE SPIRIT INDEED IS WILLING, BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK.

" it's a line that had to be crossed, " confidence in his statement, an unwillingness to back down even as every part of his body wants to run & hide. kira demands that justice not be strayed from, & light would clasp his hands together & pray for strength in response. " & i won't die for doing what's necessary. " veiny hands come up to gently pry sayu's from his cheeks. light has always been the one taking care of her, not the other way around, & he intends to keep it that way.

the burden of this all is his to bare, & it would do sayu wonders to understand his words, to engrave them into her heart the same way he engraved the justice he shares with their father into his. light would always be there for his little sister, & kira would always be there for the shining smiles that need to be protected. there is not an inch of him that would ever allow sayu to suffer.

even now, knowing that this moral dilemma is drawing tears from her eyes, it compels him to speak, & continuously reassure.

" even if criminals are put away, they can get out. through money thrown around by a singular lawyer, it can overturn a conviction. through a façade of good behavior in their time, they can get themselves out. law never guarantees safety. law never guarantees that these things will never happen again! " he speaks, & his tone grows in intensity. his smile drops. but, despite his passion, it does not reach a scream like it would were he to explain himself to anyone else.

" but ... but kira does! i do guarantee it―! " it is the passion of a man who has seen one too many people get away with what they never should have.

" what i am doing is not just getting rid of the evil that already exists, but is preventing more! people know what will happen to them if they maintain their ways, & so they repent! everyone is kinder to each other, smiles line the faces of everyone who walks past me! people offer to me their names, even against the police trying to stop it! "

a heavy breath, eyes wide ― crazed. & yet, his smile returns. a wild smile, a smile that lacks humanity, that attempts to feign having it. the people want kira. the people want yagami light to be kira.

sayu is very, very tired. she feels much younger than her fifteen years. she adjusts herself, and her hands take light's. maybe he doesn't want her comfort, his sense of pride and whatnot too grand, but sayu needs to offer it to him, just as he has always offered it to her.

she shakes her head. and slowly, lets go of her brother's hands in place of dropping them to her lap. her head bows. ❝ you think you're doing good. you think that people are seeing what evil does, but. . . you don't see that the evil is you, do you? ❞ she doesn't expect an answer, not really. she's musing aloud, trying to rationalize his justifications. each word turns over in sayu's mind, and the more she thinks, the less sense it makes. her fingers bunch up in her skirt, and sayu sniffles. ❝ what. . . how? how are you doing it? how are you doing this without getting caught? i— no one will tell me the details of the case. no one will tell me anything. ❞

her head lifts. tears keep making little rivers down her cheeks, but she forces herself to look light in the eye. ❝ how can you kill people without guilt? what happened to you? what did this to you? ❞ she imagines it has something to do with the demon now lounging on light's bed, snickering and muttering about how this is entertaining. sayu wants to tell it to shut up. instead, she only focuses on her brother.

❝ the light i know. . . the light that raised me. that takes care of me. . . he'd never do this. he'd never play god with a human life. he'd find another solution. he'd find some other way. ❞

his gaze is downcast at the floor. dull, but not empty. an unsteady stare, but the lower half of his expression is unwaveringly serious. light promised not just their father, but himself as well, that he would always be there for her.

MATTHEW 18:15ㅤ―ㅤMOREOVER IF YOUR BROTHER SINS AGAINST YOU, GO AND TELL HIM HIS FAULT BETWEEN YOU AND HIM ALONE. IF HE HEARS YOU, YOU HAVE GAINED YOUR BROTHER.

sayu is the one person that he would always listen to.

" ... i had no other choice, " there is no tremble to his voice, " i obtained the means, before i had the mission. " the resounding thud against the pavement, the feeling of something greater upon the first moment he had even picked it up. an allure, an itch that would insist no matter how much he tried to ignore it. the pain of his hand that had skidded across the rocks of the concrete road & the blinding lights of a motorcycle nearly hitting him head on.

yagami light wrote one name, & kira took a breath for the first time. sakota genbu, a selfless kill at the prayer of a scared, trembling friend ... & his purpose became clear. " if anyone else were to obtained what i have, the results would be catastrophic. " the power of the divine, a means to eliminate whoever they so pleased. if someone with nothing but hate in their heart got their hands on such an item, kind & innocent people would drop like flies.

kira kills to protect those people.

" listen to me, sayu. " hands loosen, slide down from her arm. he trusts her not to leave, he trusts her to listen. (THERE IS NO ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO KIRA.)

the one who kneels before her now wears his face, but can't wear its heart on its sleeve like light had.

❝ there's a difference. ❞ her voice trembles, but her tone is firm. this is something she learned from light; how to be afraid, and speak anyway. ❝ this— this is crossing a line. you must know that. you have to see that. ❞ not everyone deserves to die; the man who had almost killed their father, of course. but sayu and light had already lost their mother, and she knows neither of them could handle another heartbreak. she supposes she can't fault light for that — she had begged someone to kill him, after all, and. . . light had taken the shot. she doesn't know the specifics. she doesn't want to know. but the proof is in the monster in his room ( snickering, she notes; such a cruel laugh ) and how she can no longer see the strong, long years of time with him.

sayu doesn't want her brother to die. she worries she's already lost him all the same.

❝ who are you protecting? so many of those people were already put away. the world was already safe from them. what does killing do? how does that make you any better than those men that dad locks up? ❞

sayu pulls her hand away when his grip loosens, and she wants to run. instead, she lowers herself to the ground with him, both knees hitting the floor with a gentle thud. her hands come up to cup light's face, just as he had done for her when wiping her tears away when she was small.

looking at light, she can't understand how he fell this far. the brother she knows and loves feels countries away, a lifetime away. but she holds this one in her hands all the same.

everything suddenly makes perfect sense, pieces of a puzzle falling into place. her hands are tightly pressed to her mouth, eyes wide as she looks to her brother again. it's been months now since she's seen his lifespan, strong and clear beneath his name. now, she understands why. after a series of anxious, shocked moments, she lowers her hands. her voice trembles, barely contained tears thickening the sound, ❝ kira. ❞

light would do anything for sayu. he knows it, their father knows it, & he is sure even ryuk knows it. ryuk would encourage him to kill his father, but never sayu. he's sure the shingiami knows that would be out of the question, even if sayu ever became suspicious.

she never would, light always told himself. sayu is an angel, his own flesh & blood, & there is nothing she could do that would ever upset him ...

& then, she barges in without announcing it. he prepares a speech in his head to whatever her complaint would be. did he forget to do the dishes? did he accidentally wash something she didn't want washed? did he accidentally throw something out that she needed?

whatever the complaint is, it never comes. light follows her gaze, slowly. she is looking at ryuk. & when she looks back at him, his eyes are wide, tears pooling at the corners ... but, his lips are pressed into a tight line. when sayu looks back, it's hard to tell if she's still even looking at her brother.

" sayu― " he begins, a low mumble to where there would usually be nothing but the gentlest concern for his sister. he slowly, methodically, rises out of his chair. he hardly realizes how quickly he crossed his room, but her wrist is now grasped in his hand. tears stream down his cheeks, but his face remains cold.

light does not know how to face his sister like this, he doesn't know what face he should be making, he doesn't know how he can talk his way out of this one ... &, so, he brings his other hand to also grasp at her same arm, a silent plead for her not to leave.

there are tears streaking down her face, unhindered and blurring her vision — for the best, really. she can't stand the sight of him right now, but everything about him demands that she look at him. the tone of his voice, the grim look to his face, so alike &. yet unlike it should be that it terrifies her. his grip on her arm doesn't hurt from the tightness of it, but because this touch is unfamiliar and too wrong. she doesn't bother pulling away. where she knows light wouldn't give chase, she doesn't believe kira would offer her the same.

sayu won't tell anyone, despite that she knows what's transpiring is wrong. she won't tell anyone, because she loves her brother.

❝ you're the one who taught me right from wrong. ❞ her voice is very small when she speaks. she still makes no effort to pull her arm from his grasp, but she angles her body away from him now. she dips her head, because even through tear - blurry vision, she can't stand to look at him. she sniffles and lifts her free hand to wipe at her face. ❝ you're the one who taught me about justice and how it's for the weaker person. how does this help the weaker person? how does this help anyone but you? ❞

crime has gone down. bullying has gone down. but even then, sayu knows this is wrong. it's wrong, because it's changing her brother.