I feel like my existence is fading in every way that mattered. That being have been forgotten in the minds of nearly every one I’ve ever known. It really makes you wonder if anyone still remembers me… if anyone will ever remember me.

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@ephemeralhaven
I feel like my existence is fading in every way that mattered. That being have been forgotten in the minds of nearly every one I’ve ever known. It really makes you wonder if anyone still remembers me… if anyone will ever remember me.

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Hiro
During my junior year of high school, there were a bunch of Japanese students that came to visit my boarding school for a weekend. I was in my first year of Japanese instruction at the time, but was a total overachieving weeb, so my Japanese was probably the most conversational out of the group of students that were assigned to hosting them (which isn’t saying much… it was and is still pretty basic but it helped to create common ground much more quickly). They were visiting to help with and experience our school’s night of nations, and apparently a new group came every few years. The Japanese students knew English better than we knew Japanese for sure so it wasn’t too hard to communicate back and forth.
The student I spent my weekend with was an awesome guitarist named Do Hiroyuki or Hiro as I called him. The few days were in all honesty nothing to really write home about in the things that we ended up doing. We mostly followed the schedule of the events happening on campus over the weekend but the Saturday morning before anything had started, he wanted to go into downtown Andover to see more of the place. We ended up getting breakfast at this bagel place called Bruegger’s that was connected to the local Starbucks. We spent hours talking over good breakfast sandwiches and good coffee. Most of the talk was about our interests, mostly in the world and what we wanted to experience in it, but that obviously lead into talking about our interests in each other’s cultures and countries. Conversation was often slow and clunky as we were trying to convey more complicated and personal matters of opinion and experience to each other, but not for a second did I feel like either of us thought that it was too much of a hassle to figure out exactly what the other was trying to convey… and that feeling was much more profound than I guess I realized at the time.
Unfortunately, the time I spent with Hiro falls roughly into a period of depression where nothing really sticks out very clearly any more, as a muddled mess of days blurred together into one huge mess. As such I cant accurately recall very many of the details of conversation as it was also quite some time ago, but there was a section where we finally started talking about music an what music meant to us. At a base level the conversation was about our likes and dislikes (It was super funny when he called my taste in Jrock basically the japanese equivalent to underground or hipster rock with bands that weren’t actually very popular whereas he spent time naming off some of the most well known rock legends of the western world). However, there was this moment when we were talking about liking songs we didn’t necessarily understand in the other language, just from the sound of music and how sound could convey a message that was more or less accurate even before we looked up translations. We talked about how meanings seemed to always shine through for us in the things that we knew we loved regardless of how many people criticized us for it and it was that moment where I felt like we were genuinely two people on the same page. That a connection was formed through genuine interest, no matter how clumsily or long it took us, to form it, there was a genuine type of connection that was created that I felt like our interests and mindsets pushed us to want to form.
As I said, at the time, it was nothing more than a feeling and nothing really seemed to stop and hit me until he had to leave for his flight back to japan with his class. I was in class when this happened so we ended up saying goodbyes rather early, but one of my friends at the time was able to see Hiro one last time before he left our campus and Hiro gave her one of his guitar picks to give to me as a memento I received later that day along with a promise to maybe someday in the future to play guitar together no matter how clumsily or long it took us to do so.
Hiro and I haven’t talked much at all since he left. We kept up for a little bit through facebook and at least make sure to wish each other happy birthdays, but distance and the business of life definitely keeps our friendship stuck as more of a happy memory and the promise than anything more…
However, after what I would call a pretty unsuccessful past few years of trying to create meaningful relationships among the people I’ve met in life, I’m constantly drawn back to this moment I shared with Do Hiroyuki. A moment that I’d consider a success no matter how small, no matter how little of an actual bearing it has on any aspect of my life, no matter how purely sentimental and wishful that promise that music had made for us seems, the connection formed over 3 short days was a success in comparison to the shallow and unfulfilling interactions I’ve had with the same people over years and years. As with any connection, I’d be lying if I said I keep it close as a reminder that things like these can be formed, as I try to see each personal relationship as unique and specific, almost to the point where things such as these are insane exceptions to typical human interaction… yet I’d also be lying if I said I wouldn’t kill for another chance at creating a friendship like the one I had created with Hiro.
In the early days of Tumblr I had so many mutuals that were so nice, but all going through shit. I miss so many of those people that would help me get through the day to day. I glanced at my following page and many of the names I still remember haven't even posted on Tumblr in 4-8 years. This entire blog feels like a crazy time capsule and even if it's only been less than a decade it feels like an eternity ago.
I just hope at least a few remember me...
Everything feels so hopeless lately. I barely even feel like I have time to be emotionally exhausted. I just feel empty and actually exhausted. Like everything I am is constantly spent. Like I'm nothing but a battery constantly being drained, and the minute I stop working I will be discarded. I feel like I try to be happy, enjoy myself, and be excited and motivated to enjoy my life and my passions... but at every moment something is saying I'm not allowed to because I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it, I need to work harder and that it will always be this way... I try to ignore it, but everytime I do, eventually I feel like I'm proven wrong and all of the happiness I try to force becomes tainted until it eats away at itself until nothing is left and I feel empty once again.
I have a box of things I was supposed to share with a special person one day. It was inspired by the anime Toradora but it's my own spin on it. These things that I can only trust that one special person to see. Not secrets, not anything bad. Hopes, dreams, ideals, the essence of everything I loved to be shared with the one I love, I thought. My heart in a box. Yet even now when engaged, I don't think I'll ever find anyone to share it with.
I suppose some things in life are only meant to be carried to the grave.

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Bakemonogatari
Source: おやすみプンプン
For a long time, I thought people were impossibilities. I thought that any and all relationships I had with another person, no matter how basic or complex, was hollow. People made me and a lot of my emotions feel invalid and for a long time I felt like I could never get as close as I wanted to anyone I knew. Every time things would feel one-sided. I'd worry everyday that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I'd feel like I always needed them more than anyone ever needed me.
I knew what it felt like to be wanted how I wished to be wanted. I knew what it felt like to be so close to someone that losing them would hurt. But that was only because those people that brought me true genuine happiness were taken from me and I've been trying to fill a void ever since.
For a while, it hasn't felt so bad. Maybe because right now a lot of my friends are new and I'm working toward a few goals I'm actually motivated to try to complete. Bonds feel strongest before they're given a chance to bend. "Maybe this time will be different," I always think.
But last night, the most important person in my life said some very hurtful things. She said she never needed me. And that void no longer feels like a passive swathe of empty space in my chest... It feels like a black hole actively trying to consume me.
RPK-16 [Girls’ Frontline]

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