&— what am i leaving behind me?

ROUGH HANDS GRASP JAY'S FACE, DRIVING THEIR LIPS TOGETHER.  sloppy, untender ﹠ selfishly wanting.  all teeth and the frantic pull of breath, childish in his desires, desperate for another living  body  against his own,  a  hunger  only  worsened   by   jay  entwining   their   lives  together,   once   unwelcome,  now  .  .  .  tim  cant   imagine   a  life  without  jay’s  meddling.   when   did  he   get   so  [ .  .  .  ]  fucking   deprived  ?   only  a  sliver   of   connection,   a   brief   few   months  of  living  his  life   alongside  someone  other   than  himself,  and  yearning   has  morphed   and  contorted  into   this   desperate,   famished,   all   consuming  want.  his  fingers   CURL  and  TWIST,  gripping   jays shirt,  as  if  sheer  force  ﹠  will   alone  could   keep  jay  anchored  here.  TIMS HANDS TUCK BENEATH JAYS SHIRT,   trailing over   fever-hot skin.   his   nails   scrape   along   jay’s   ribs  ,   raking   a   path   of   red  up  his  back,   his nails   dragging   up — higher,   higher —   his   fingers   curl  and  tug  at  jay’s  hair,  jerking him  back.  tim  takes  in  jay,  lips   parted,  cheeks  flushed,   neck  damp  from  sweat.  surging   forward,   TIM CROWDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL,   closing   the   distance   between  them  driving   jay  back,    his   shoulders   hit   the   wall   with   a   dull   thud.  

lyrics  pulled  from  sabrina  carpenter’s  album  ‘  emails  i  can’t  send.  ’  please  amend  pronouns  where  necessary.  nsfw  content  present. 

EMAILS  I  CAN’T  SEND.

“  it’s  times  like  these  i  wish  i  had  a  time  machine.  ”

“  were  you  really  sleeping  ?  ”

“  were  you  lying  to  me  and  the  family  ?  ”

“  there’s  no  us  in  us  when  i’m  lacking  trust.  ”

“  you  want  to  discuss  ?  ”

“  you  disgust  me.  ”

“  don’t  make  me  cuss  you  out.  ”

“  why  did  you  let  me  down  ?  ”

“  don’t  say  sorry  now.  ”

“  thanks  to  you,  i  can’t  love  right.  ”

“  i  get  nice  guys  and  villainise  them.  ”

“  i  read  their  texts  like  they’re  having  sex  right  now.  ”

“  i’m  scared  i’ll  find  out  that  it’s  true.  ”

“  i  blame  you  for  every  worst  i  assume.  ”

“  don’t  think  i’ll  find  forgiveness  as  fast  as  mom  did.  ”

“  god  i  love  you,  but  you’re  such  a  dipshit.  ”

“  you  were  all  i  looked  up  to,  now  i  can’t  even  look  at  you.  ”

VICIOUS.

“  it  was  dressed  up  in  heated  emotion.  ”

“  i  tried  to  look  for  the  best  in  the  worst.  ”

“  fuck  me,  that  caused  a  commotion.  ”

“  you’re  lucky  i’m  a  private  person.  ”

“  i’ve  quietly  carried  your  burden.  ”

“  everyone  thinks  you’re  an  angel  but  shit,  i  would  probably  use  different  wording.  ”

“  you’re  so  vicious.  ”

“  love  me  and  then  pretend  you  didn’t.  ”

“  crush  my  heart  and  wreck  my  image.  ”

“  why  you  gotta  be  so  vicious  ?  ”

“  you  just  run  to  whoever  is  winning.  ”

“  you  said  it  was  me  and  you  for  life  and  now  you’re  kinda  acting  like  i  died.  ”

“  you  don’t  feel  remorse.  you  don’t  feel  the  effects.  ”

“  you  don’t  think  you  hurt  me  if  you  wish  me  the  best.  ”

“  i  should  have  known  all  along  i  was  only  the  next  one  to  take  your  love  songs  as  a  promise.  ”

“  i  loved  you,  but  i  wish  i  didn’t.  ”

READ  YOUR  MIND.

“  i  can’t  read  your  mind.  ” 

“  you  say  that  you  need  to  be  alone,  but  night  and  day  you  want  me  at  your  beck  and  call.  ”

“  you  say  you  know  that  you  might  be  crossing  a  line..  ”

“  to  think  we  could  ever  be  casual.  ”

“  you’re  not  my  friend.  ”

“  why  the  fuss  ?  if  you  say  you  wanna  be  mine  ?  ”

“  tell  me,  what’s  going  to  happen  when  it’s  you  and  me  in  a  room  but  you  know  you  can’t  have  it  ?  ”

“  did  i  get  the  message  in  the  way  you  intended  ?  ”

“  tell  me  that  you  need  me  in  your  life.  ”

BECAUSE  I  LIKED  A  BOY.

“  you  showed  up  with  a  boombox.  ”

“  who  knew  cuddling  on  trampolines  could  be  so  reckless  ?  ”

“  we  bonded  over  black  eyed  peas  and  complicated  exes.  ”

“  it  was  all  so  innocent.  ”

“  now  i’m  a  homewrecker,  i’m  a  slut.  ”

“  i’ve  got  death  threats  filling  up  semitrucks.  ”

“  tell  me  who  i  am.  ”

“  guess  i  don’t  have  a  choice.  ”

“  i’m  the  hot  topic  on  your  tongue.  ”

“  i’m  a  rebound  getting  around  stealing  from  the  young.  ”

“  everything’s  derailing.  ”

“  i  was  only  trying  to  hold  you  close.  ”

“  you  said  i’m  too  late  to  be  your  first  love  but  i’ll  always  be  your  favourite.  ”

“  and  all  of  this  for  what  ?  ”

“  when  everything  went  down,  we’d  already  broken  up  !  ”

ALREADY  OVER.

“  we’ve  been  talking  for  hours  about  how  we  shouldn’t  talk  for  hours  on  end.  ”

“  we’d  probably  be  better  off  as  friends.  ”

“  same  time  here  next  weekend  ?  ”

“  say  we  won’t  do  this  again.  ”

“  how  am  i  supposed  to  close  the  door  when  i  still  need  the  closure ?  ”

“  how  am  i  supposed  to  leave  you  now  ?  ”

“  selfishly,  i  don’t  want  to  give  you  time  to  be  on  someone  else’s  lips.  ”

“  after  the  aftermath,  i  know  you’ll  be  coming  back.  ”

HOW  MANY  THINGS.

“  there’s  no  hiding  from  the  thought  of  us.  ”

“  i  got  ways  to  find  you  anywhere.  ”

“  i  consider  you,  i’m  not  trying  to.  ”

“  it  doesn’t  matter  whether  or  not  i  want  to,  i  can’t  help  it.  ”

“  it’s  a  habit.  ”

“  your  corner  in  my  mind  is  well  established.  ”

“  i  wonder  how  many  things  you  think  about  before  you  get  to  me.  ”

“  i  feel  myself  falling  further  down  your  priorities.  ”

“  i  still  make  excuses  for  you  constantly.  ”

“  remember  when  you  left  once  ?  that  never  made  too  much  sense  to  me.  ”

“  it  hurt  you  so  bad  hurting  me.  ”

“  you  really  came  to  me  for  sympathy.  ”

“  am  i  not  even  a  second  thought  ?  ”

i’m not sticking around to watch you go down .

i hope that you don’t suffer ,  but take the pain .

the truth is , i’ve never seen a mouth that i would kill to kiss .

we will be everything that we’d ever need .

you only listen to your fucking friends .

you made a few mistakes .  it’s alright ,  it’s okay .

i’m trying to get better , but i can’t do that when everything is about you .

i can name a couple ways this shit might go .

can you feel my heartbeat fuckin’ kickin ?

you were my everything and all you did was make me fuckin sad .

it’s kind of tripping me up , i’ve got it bad for you .

i’m on my own , i had some space to deal with it .

i’ve got it too good to cry .

i don’t know where i am or where i’ve been .

don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled .

finish up the bottle , then we’ll go .

this room is so suffocating .

motherfucker , don’t play with me .

there’s no doubt in my mind that if you could ,  then you would try .

i’m not the type to be out past dawn .

it’s been a long time since i felt this good on my own .

i really wish that i could say it to your face .

i kinda like it when you talk to me the way you do .

i’ve got something up my sleeve , i walk my talk .

i love you , but i know i’ve gotta let you go .

it’s getting hard to find a silver lining .

of course it hurt , of course it fucking hurt .

i know that you’re hiding something from me .

i don’t need to be loved by you .

trying to ignore it is fucking boring .

i tried to pretend ,  but it just doesn’t feel right .

i just can’t take it anymore .

i’m not trying to change your mind .

living in the city isn’t where it’s at .

don’t waste the time i don’t have ,  don’t try to make me feel bad .

i almost did it … glad that i didn’t .

you better run , you better do what you can .

yeah , i don’t really wanna be here .

pretty things should be seen and not heard .

can’t you bother someone else ?

now i’m sitting here wondering , when did this all start ?

i’m terrified but i can’t resist .

is there someone else or not ?

i’ve been around long enough now to know that good things never last .

i’d rather be the girl that got away than be under your thumb .

it ain’t so bad if i wanna make a few mistakes .

wish i could get some fuckin’ sleep without wasting all my weed .

you scared me to death ,  but i’m wasting my breath .

i feel like a kid again .

you were always taught to believe that everything you think is the truth .

nothing comes without a consequence or cost .

i don’t deserve someone loyal to me .

thought you were headed somewhere new .

touch me like tonight we’re gonna die .

can we go back to the world we had ? 

you should know right now that i never stay in one place .

i’d suffers hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight .

the games you played were never fun .

you said you’d stay , but then you ran .

if i can’t hold you like a lover , i won’t hold you at all .

you and i have history ,  or don’t you remember ?

i’ll be the one to deliver the news .

i’m better than this ,  i know my worth .

there’s something tragic about you .

you don’t know what it’s like , waiting up all night .

thank you for teaching me how i could live without you .

tell me what it is you wanna know .

you’re not a monster ,  you’re just human .

maybe i need better friends . or maybe i need a wake up call .

there’s so much to do , i’ll never have the wherewithal to do it .

i know i’d miss you ,  if i left right now .

i don’t like anyone better than you .

they told me once nothing grows when a house isn’t a home .

what makes you sure you’re all i need ?

i know you feel the way i do .

forever never really felt so right .

i overcommunicate and feel too much .

you say you’ve changed and you’re sorry ,  but i don’t wanna know .

i know i’ve got friends ,  i still get so lonely .

i’ve been doing greater good for a long time .

i’m no hero ,  but i can take a punch .

i thought it would all be great when i was older .

i used to be the one that was lying .

i can’t stand your condescending tone when you talk to me .

we’re still going cause we’re not quite dead .

i wanna scream ,  but what’s the use ?

i know what’s going on in your head .

you know ,  i never wanted to hurt you .

i don’t want to be a prisoner to who i used to be .

if we could stay this way forever , would it be enough ?

can’t you see that i’m getting bored ?

i hope you don’t think that shit’s fair .

i never knew you had such a dirty mind .

sometimes i don’t have a filter .

i’m the worst mistake that god has ever made .

you know i love you , but i’m still learning to love myself .

darling , you’re sick in the head .

am i someone you can’t live without ?

if you don’t come back , at least i’ve got nothing to lose .

did you think that i should listen to you ?

the meds aren’t working for me anymore .

goodbye to my good side ,  it only ever got me hurt .

you know ,  you’ve got a real smart mouth .

i know i’m where i belong .  deep down inside ,  i’ve known all along .

i’ve been putting myself on the sideline .

i was worth something , and it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food .

i know i took the path that you would never want for me .

my tongue’s gotten real tired of me biting it .

you’re acting like your deadbeat dad .  you’re better than that .

i swear i changed my ways for the better .

i hate it when dudes try to chase me .

when you’re in love ,  you get so cruel .

sorry , but i guess i’ve gotta let you down again .

just fucking leave me alone .

i walk through this world just trying to be nice .

i can’t be your savior ,  i don’t have the power .

will heaven step in ?  will it save us from our sin ?

follow my lead ,  take my hand .

you should’ve made some plans with me ,  you knew that i was free .

there are things that we’ll never say , but we know .

the only way you can know is to give it all you have .

i’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain .

you get me through every dark night .

i know that i’ve done some wrong ,  but i’m trying to make it right .

now you’re over there ,  and i’m way over here , what are we gonna do ?

think about what you believe in .

if i keep my eyes closed ,  he looks just like you .

i don’t wanna feel better .  no one’s ever gonna love me like that again .

there are things that you say ,  and you don’t say .

all my filthy life i loved someone i barely knew .

bless your soul ,  you’ve got your head in the clouds .

what did you say ?  you’re breaking up on me .

if you adore me ,   why do you ignore me ?

you’re not as brave as you were at the start .

it was a bad idea ,  calling you up .

i see it on your face ,  you’ve had a bad day .

people are so fake ,  this world is a cruel place .

i’d rather be hunter than the prey .

someone’s gonna hate ,  it’s never gonna change .

you used to be so kind .

never gonna be easy ,  was it ?

every day’s another shot but all i do is fuck it up .

i can take the hate and all the pain .

it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right .

tell your baby that i’m your baby .

they’ll kick you and they’ll beat you ,  and they’ll tell you it’s fair .

i wanted to pretend that this time was the end .

no one around me knows who i am or what i’ve done .

i would’ve gave it all for you .

i won’t run ,  i’m not afraid .

same way that they come ,  that’s the way they go .

somehow ,  i just want you more .

i never regretted the day that i called you mine .

i don’t want to get over you .

take it out on me .  i don’t mind if we fight if you make me bleed .

you look better in that dress than i do .

i know i let you down ,  didn’t i ?

it’s a cruel ,  cruel world .

i know i don’t want to live without you .

i’m always tired ,  i just can’t fight it .

i’m too consumed with my own life .

you didn’t think it’d be so much fun .

i won’t let you go ,  so don’t let go of me .

darling , you’re so pretty it hurts .

how’d i ever get so off my rocks ?

tell me where i went wrong .

what’s a king to a god ?  what’s a god to a non-believer ?

they’re out to get you ,  better leave while you can .

i know i’ll never know just what to say .

goddamn it ,  i was worth something .

we don’t need to be enemies .

should’ve kept my ass in bed .

i tried to love you ,  but you’re not my type .

there’s something here that i just can’t explain .

baby ,  is that really what you want ?

i’m not good at making friends .

i keep a close watch on this heart of mine .

i’m obsessed ,  i’ve never met someone like you .

can’t you see that you’re lost without me ?

when i’m like this , you’re the one i trust .

i was born into this , won’t hesitate to use my fists .

i always get my revenge .

the world thinks i’m a mess .

there’s something wrong with me ,  cause all i wanna do is get high .

it’s been a long time since i gave a shit .

sometimes i have these thoughts , they leave me all confused .

when i said take me home ,  that wasn’t what i meant .

oh my god ,  why are you sad again ?

you have to show them that you’re really not scared .

i don’t have many friends .  most of them are pretend .

i had my cake ,  and i ate it too .

i’m too afraid about the things i might say .

shit wasn’t real ,  it was all in my head .

it’s too late to apologize .

i know my disposition gets confusing .

you’ve gotta be so cold to make it in this world .

satisfaction is a distant memory .

no one can ever know .

there’s you in everything i do .

i wish i could say that i’m sorry ,  but i’m over that now .

you’re playing with your life ,  this ain’t no truth or dare .

fool me twice ,  and i know that’s all i need .

i hope if everyone leaves ,  you choose to stay .

i was afraid to leave you on your own .

where along the line did we stop seeing eye to eye ?

if they laugh ,  then fuck them all .

i’m sick and tired of everyone in this place .

i miss the way you made me feel .

he’ll never stay . they never do .

take a dose of something to forget .

aren’t we too young for this ?

i’m not the type to admit i’m wrong .

i shouldn’t think the things i’m thinking .

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies (thank you hozier)

devoted as a dog

hunted down like a dog with rabies

how a dog loves

I can be a good dog. I can be good

like a good good dog

I want to be your dog

bad dog gets punished

loyal like a dog

a wounded dog will bite anything

I'm not a violent dog. I don't know why I bite

a dog’s trust

chained up like a dog