EngineeringasFemale

Personally I found it impowering and amazing that I didn't have to care about what I was wearing. I loved that I looked identical to all my coworkers. Also so many pockets. 😍

When it was her turn to pretend confront the squatters, my coworker demurred, "I'm a small girl," which, wowerz.

(Please never call yourself a girl.  Unless of course you are a child.)

Despite my initial distaste, I'm torn.  Because I get it.  Sometimes, at least as a college educated white lady, the patriarchy works for me.  

I've literally been told to use "my youthful charm" to get cranky warehouse operators to help me.  Though I scowled through this suggestion, provided breezily by a well seasoned female engineer, I did it.  I smiled and said, "um" in a way Alexis Rose would approve of.  And he moved 30 super sacks for me so I could write down batch numbers.  It took at least an hour.  

I always feel this pricky shame.  I always know what I'm doing.  It always works.  

I tell myself I'm just being nice, which isn't a lie.  I'm being much nicer than my default.  And is that such a bad thing?  Being a little nicer to people so they're more inclined to help me?  It's not like I'm flirting with them, just smiling and enthusiastically listening.  I would act this way with a female operator, there just aren't any to prove my point.  

And I watch my male peers, barge into conversations and gracelessly demand what they want.  They never get told to smile more or to stop yelling when they're calmly explaining something, and they actually yell and curse at people.  

My New Year's Resolution is to not move out of the way when white (they're always white) men are about to run into me. The men I work with seem to need some help developing their spatial reasoning skills. I'm here to help.

Last year my resolution was to not read any books by white men. I highly recommend that resolution. It was just refreshing. Felt like a rebellion in our post-Trump hellscape.

Today my work group was referred to as the "Process Ladies," and it made me so fucking happy.

I get called girl a lot, which is decidedly less cute.  

I once joked with my dad that unless you changed my diaper, you don't get to call me a girl.  (Despite this caveat designed specifically for him, he now calls me the hilarious and gender neutral "engineer", as in, "The Engineers have arrived."  I'm not mad at it.)

It seems like something so small, but it's really important.  It's a baseline of respect that you 100% deserve to insist upon.  I gently correct people all the time.  I correct myself!  It's a hard nut to crack.  

Women are professionally undermined by being called girls.  It’s obviously gendered.  No one calls a grown ass man a boy.  That premise is laughable to me.  No well meaning older woman has EVER said to a young man fresh out of college, “You’re a good boy.”  Did your skin crawl reading that?  Mine did writing it!  Yet it’s happened to me several times, just obviously reversing the genders.

And if you aren’t convinced, here’s some heavy, heavy proof as to why names matter so much: https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2019/08/jeffrey-epstein-and-the-myth-of-the-underage-woman/596140/.   

Then, and I'm not exaggerating, she immediately launches into her logistic nightmare of trying to get her son to a doctor that day (he broke his finger being a teenage boy) while making a crucial meeting.  

Like, Brenda*, that's the fucking point.  

No one thinks you, a highly educated white engineer, is repressed.  

However, it does seem like you're the primary parent.  Was that a conscious decision or did your husband expect that of you?  Do you also do all the housework and emotional labor while holding down a fairly high key job managing people?  Doesn't that seem like a lot for one person?

The patriarchy is insidious and deeply internalized for most of us.  It's really hard to unpack, and it's really hard for even well meaning men to understand the particular struggle of being a female in the workplace. That's what the group is for.

So this to say, don't feel guilty for wanting a support network. Of course it could be worse and lots of people elsewhere have it way worse That's a silly argument that is trying to invalidate your feelings.

Support networks are wonderful. They make you feel seen and less alone. Everyone should have several.

I didn't realize how tense work made me. And I honestly loved what I did, but I was constantly being reminded I was the only female in a world not really built for females. It was mostly just awkward but sometimes it was gross. Sometimes I'd be a meeting of 80 plus men and I'd realize I was the only female in the room. I'd get so anxious. I felt defenseless.

I was always on guard. I overthought every action. I was afraid of being too friendly while simultaneously afraid of being a bitch.

I was so afraid of making a mistake because maybe I'd lose all that respect I spent six months gaining.

I thought about what my body looked like. Was I accidentally sticking my butt out? Was I leaning over too suggestively? DEAR GOD was my stomach visible as I climbed a ladder? How could I bend over in the least sexy way possible? How is bending sexy?

I feel guilty for leaving for a lot of reasons. But it plagues me that I gave up and let it be an issue for some other female. I wish I could have stayed and broken glass ceilings left and right and created some weird process engineering Utopia for everyone.

But that's a lot of pressure, especially for a first job. And you can't create anything if you're miserable.

Aside- I wonder if men ever tangle themselves up in knots like I do, overanalyzing their every action. History suggests not.

I’m super late to the game on this, but Plant Money has a really good podcast episode called “Economics, Sexism, Data” (get it here).  It’s all about this undergrad student who looked into an anonymous economics job forum and how gendered the posters’ responses were.  It’s super interesting if you’re into research and economics.

It was also super interesting for more personal reasons.

Old school female engineers gave me a lot of advice like, “Don’t take everything personally” or “Let things slide.”  Also, “Learn golf,” but gross.  

Before I started talking to other female engineers, I thought this was just part of the job.  That sometimes your coworkers are going to be weird and gross.  You’re probably gonna get paid less.  You’re going to have to prove yourself time and time again, and every mistake takes you right back to the beginning.  That’s what you signed up for, right?  

But this generation is starting to take names.  We’re talking about it, openly.  Women, like Alice Wu in the episode, are creating quantifiable datasets that can’t be waved away as P.C. snowflake nonsense.  Whole countries are making the gender pay gap illegal.  In a fairly dark moment in modern history, I’m warmed by this conversation.  

I am sure everyone has come in contact with the phrase “Bitches get shit done”. I have heard Tina Fey, Michelle Wolf, and many other talented ladies speak on this topic, probably because it bothers almost every intense woman in the world. The theme of successful women being call bitchy when a man with the same attributes would be called driven is wildly frustrating and can be seen in every industry. 

Yesterday I went onto one of our sites where the General Contractor’s Project Manager, basically the person running the job, is a woman. I was warned by all 4 of my male coworkers how ‘crazy/unreasonable/aggressive’ she is to everyone. 

I haven’t been in the industry for very long, but I have met a few women who have been in construction for 15-30 years. I have noticed that these women do tend to be more intense and direct with their expectations from the first interaction. From experience I can guess that this is due to years of having to prove themselves over and over again, which would make anyone want to drop the bullshit. 

I even tried to explain this to my 4 coworkers, who did listen, and my lead project manager even seemed to agree with what I was saying.  We both believe that once a respectful relationship is built she most likely will not feel the need to set such a hard tone. However, even as the other guys listened they said they refuse to talk to her and I would need to do it moving forward, which seemed kind of silly to me.

I did not mind talking to her, she is much like other successful project managers I have met (concise, smart, exhausted, and stressed). My complaint is mainly that I feel her personality was being analyzed more than what she was saying, which is the opposite for the male project managers I have worked around.

I am sure everyone on this site has had a job of some sort in their life and experienced the frustration of the first few months. No matter how impressed people are with your resume or interview the work tends to slowly trickle in as your new coworkers learn your abilities. I understand this process, and have done it to other people, but it doesn’t change how frustrating it is to not have enough to do (especially when everyone else has way too much to do). 

I’m not sure if this occurs more often with women compared to men, I doubt it, but I do know women have to prove themselves in more ways than men. Everyone knows engineering is male dominated, and the construction industry even more-so, so it’s not surprising that I am the first female project engineer/manager/non-admin at my company. Some see this as a huge flaw for a company, but as long as the men I work with are respectful and open I see it as an opportunity to open the door for more women in the future.

This also presents the opportunity to break down any misconceptions that my peers may have previously held for women. These misconceptions can be as simple as women talk a lot (severely not true in my case), or deeper entrenched ideals like women can’t be authoritative or make critical decisions.  I understand all these misconceptions are annoying, harmful, and most often untrue. Hopefully one day human beings will meet each new person with an open mind, but humans are flawed, and this isn’t likely to happen any time soon. We may as well do the best with what we have for the time being.

What I have learned from initial job slowness/misconceptions is to tackle them with positivity (or at least neutrality) and determination. I take every task, no matter how small or menial, and look to see how it is helping the bigger picture. Instead of getting offended about tasks ‘below your pay grade’ take it in stride and do it the best you can, even try to improve the process if possible. I know from experience that when someone successfully helped me with any sort of task, allowing me to focus on higher level items, I only developed a deeper appreciation for that peer and looked for ways to get them more interesting work and help them overall.

Right now I am processing a lot of T&M sheets and invoices, it is an easy thing to pass to someone new because they don’t need a ton of entrenched knowledge to complete the task, mainly you just need to be detail-oriented. It is hard to stay excited or motivated when processing paperwork, but it is a key time to shine and show your worth. Carefully go through each item, this will help you learn the key craft/equipment on each job and allow you to catch any discrepancies. I always write down questions/discrepancies as I go through, so I don’t forget, but wait to ask any questions until I have taken it as far as I can. By waiting to ask sometimes I answer my own questions, which happens a lot, or at least I’m not bugging someone every five minutes. By going to your superior with these questions/concerns they see that you care about your work and want to help the project/company be successful. This will give them the confidence necessary to start passing along more challenging/interesting tasks.

I was finally given a cool project at my old job. I'd be in charge of three operators. I'd make an actual difference. I was thrilled by the opportunity.

My manager, me, and an Ops supervisor were working out the details. He looks at me and says to my manager, "We have to be careful about the operators we pick. Tessa isn't what you'd call... commanding."

My manager said nothing.

I sat silently, feeling like something was wrong with me, wondering how I could change myself.

A year later, I see it differently.

He's right. I'm not commanding. I don't order people around. I don't talk loudly or take up a lot of space. Most of the time when I walk into a room, people don't immediately notice me.

But that isn't a bad thing.

Nothing is wrong with me. I do my job, and dare I say it, I do it well. I was routinely complimented on my interactions with the operators from the operators themselves as well as upper management. When I left my job, the four of us were near in tears saying goodbye. We were that close.

He was falsely equating fear with respect.

If you have to yell to be heard, you aren't a good communicator. If you have to boss people around so that they help you do your job, you're not a good person. Don't ever let a person you don't respect make you feel inferior.

I haven’t posted on this blog since…….I don’t remember when :/ I’m sure I could scroll back and find my last post, but it would probably just make me sad. Thankfully Tessa has been a champ and has not let the posting ‘ball’ drop.

I want to talk about something that I think a lot of engineers ignore, work-life balance. 

In college I had minimal work-life balance due to Drexel’s general intensity and my unnecessary desire to push through a BS/MS program and minor. However, I always saw this imbalance as a necessary part of college so I could be set-up to get an awesome job upon graduation, then I would have free time, right?

This idea was true within the first year of employment, mainly because I didn’t know enough to be very useful. After that first year though the intensity was cranked up steadily until I was working 12 hours a day with a minimum 3-hour commute. I saw my boyfriend for less than an hour a day, during which I was a zombie who sat and ate the food he prepared, then went directly to bed. I began taking CBD supplements to help manage my stress levels and curb the panic attacks/anxiety fueled nausea.

This quality of life obviously didn’t make my romantic or non-romantic relationships thrive. I couldn’t pursue any of my other interests and had minimal time to unwind. Thankfully a situation presented itself where I could move back to Philadelphia and significantly cut down on my commute. Now I am back in the city that I love, close enough to friends to have impromptu hang outs, and I get to spend time in the morning/night with my boyfriend. 

You may be saying…. you just started a new job, obviously you have more time, but how do you keep this job from taking over your life like the last one? Good question, I have thought about this a lot. This time I have the benefit of past experiences to guide me, although I know I still have a lot to learn. Below are my key lessons, hopefully they can help someone else avoid losing themselves to work. Please feel free to comment and add any of your experiences/lessons learned.

-If you don’t have time sensitive work then don’t stay late, even if other people are and you feel awkward/don’t want to look lazy. If you have a good work ethic then your boss/peers will notice that and very few will pass judgement on someone wanting to go home at a normal time, and if they do? So, what! If your work is done well, and you work the hours you are paid for then it really shouldn’t matter.

-Tell your boss when you feel overwhelmed, if you don’t communicate with them then you will just keep getting more work, then you will feel obligated to stay late and get it done. Communication is key with your direct supervisor.

-Don’t rush work just to get it done quickly, this opens you up to sloppy mistakes which are just embarrassing.

-If something is wrong (long commute/hours, issues with management, etc.) and you don’t feel like you are getting help from your direct supervisor try talking with HR, that is their job.

-Don’t be afraid to make a change if a job really isn’t working out, most of the time there are other options to consider.

A former coworker asked me how he could make the company more diverse. The company was so undiverse that a straight white lady qualifies as a diversity expert (redflag numero uno).

But it got me thinking on how to nuture an inclusive community. I'm hardly an expert, but my immediate thoughts:

1.) Face the facts about the diversity deficits and sit with the discomfort those facts should give you

2.) Acknowledge that different types of people think differently and like different things. Celebrate it. Those different life experiences and cannons only make the company richer and more creative. This is scientifically proven.

3.) When you are in a position of power, make sure all people are comfortable. 

4.) When they aren't, try your best to help. They probably feel like they can't call someone out or they will reinforce the stereotype, like women are sensitive or unfunny.

5.) Ask the person their opinions because they might not feel comfortable expressing them. Echo their thoughts if they aren't being listened to. Give them credit for their ideas. Don't allow people to talk over them.

6.) Avoid language that reinforces stereotypes. For example, don't call a women bossy. Give concrete examples like, "when you're running a trial you don't communicate well enough." They can use that to become a better employee.

7.) Don't judge everyone against the straight white male expectation. Women probably aren't going to seem as confident. They're more likely to say, "I don't know", to deflect praise, and to attribute their success to other people. That doesn't mean they aren't capable. Look at their actions. Are they getting the job done well, just differently?

I now work exclusively with females. It's wild and wonderful and I highly recommend. It's mostly because I got out of manufacturing and went into a more corporate engineering setting.

Some differences became immediately apparent.

The office is an appropriate temperature. I'm never cold.

The bathroom has free tampons and pads! Also a separate room for breastfeeding mother's. Like there's a sign and everything.

My lead, when asked if she knows something, routinely laughs and says, "I don't know!" I've never heard a male dismiss a question like that. It has the often very valid point of, "why would I know if the valve B2N is acceptable off hand?". I've had numerous male coworkers tell me to stop saying "I don't know". An engineer told me once, "fake it". Erm, no?

I have yet to talk about sports or Adam Sandler. It's glorious.

I get compliments on my cute ass outfits. (Also my clothing now gets to reflect my personality which is new and exciting).

I've dated my boyfriend for a long ass time. When it seemingly inevitably comes up (always at work?) people like to be like, "omg EIGHT YEARS and NO RING? What are YOU waiting for?"

After workshopping several zippy replies, the one with a 100% success rate of never having to talk about it again is, "I've got better things to do."

Honestly, it's just a deeply personal question that absolutely no one wants an honest answer to. Also are you gonna pay for it?

The worst is when it's somehow my boyfriend's fault? Like they automatically assume he's a committmentphobe weirdo who doesn't know what he has and they've never met him. It's very cliche and gendered and I don't care for it.

I once put my foot in my mouth in front of my boyfriend's mother and sarcastically said, "sorry I aspire to greater things than marriage."

Because my previous job literally blew up, I’ve been interviewing like a mad woman.  

Quite unintentionally, asking your (inevitably) male interviewer where the women’s bathroom is has become a pretty good litmus test for how friendly the company is towards women.  Sometimes, the guys don’t know.  Sometimes they seem confused and slightly embarrassed that you have to pee.  Since I go to the bathroom about once an hour (stay hydrated, kids!) that’s gonna be an issue.

You can straight out ask the company how many women work in engineering.  If they start just listing names and counting on their fingers, you have your answer.  Once I had a male sigh and explain that they just can’t keep women and they don’t know why.  Also not a great response, but points for honesty.

I had an interviewer ask me, “You’re going to be working with all men, is that okay?”  

To which I said, “I’m used to it,” which is true and sad.

He continued, “I don’t think I would be uncomfortable having my wife or sister around any of them.”

The world is wild.  You think?  Have you never thought about this until this exact moment?   Why did you have to specify?  

I was recently asked by a beleaguered white male how do you support women at work. And what a great question, thanks for asking. Here are some quick ideas.

1.) Don’t sexualize her. Fun fact: women aren’t looking for a significant other at work.  They’re just trying to do their job. And they’re kinda confused why this needs to even be specified.

2.) Don’t tell her she is shrill, naggy, bossy, etc ad infinitum when she is doing her job.  It’s a gendered insult and you know it. Unless you also call men that insult seriously, don’t use it.  

3.) Assume she knows how to do her job unless she specifically says otherwise.

4.) Don’t tell her how to do her job unless she specifically asks, is in imminent danger, or you’re her actual manager.

5.) Hire women.  

6.) Maybe don’t talk golf quite so much.  Just a thought. It’d be a big help for me at least.  

7.) Actually all sports really.  There’s a beautiful wide world out there.  Explore it.

8.) Don’t interrupt her when she’s speaking.

9.) Don’t let other people interrupt her when she’s speaking.

10.) Support a pay transparency policy to end the wage gap.  Tell your female peers how much you make so they can ask for the same amount.  

11.) Understand that different people have different histories and canons.  For example a 24 year old female in 2019 probably didn't grow up watching Adam Sandler films.  That isn't a tragedy. She's ok. It's ok. We can still work together.